Perceptions Series: 05 Memories
by kalinda001
Summary: You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories. Revisting of a traumatic memory for Avon & Vila. Just when you think you know what happened, you keep finding out that you don't know everything. A special moment finally occurs between Avon & Cally.
1. Chapter 1

"_You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories_." - Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

**Chapter One**

Servalan was out of sorts these days. Sester was out in Sector Ten; she was angry at him for that. There was no one fun for her to play with since he left. It wasn't his fault. She was the one who had sent him out there to coordinate the Federation's efforts against the alien forces.

Argus was intermittently amusing but he was too serious for her taste. He was decorative enough. In her imagination, she could visualize how his muscles rippled as he moved. He would doubtless be vigorous and have great stamina. Servalan's lips parted in a predatory smile. She wondered how he was doing since they last spoke. He should have contacted her by now; she was expecting him to. He would have to soon. She would be very disappointed in him if he had not figured it out yet. Servalan looked forward to that moment.

_Avon. _Servalan's heart skipped a beat. She knew why she was really out of sorts. The Federation President missed her playmate. He was never far from her thoughts. Avon had become so much a part of her life and consciousness that when he was gone, she felt alone. She needed someone and he was the only one who had been able to fill that empty place since Don Keller had left her.

Servalan used her bio-metric print and opened a locked drawer in her cabinet. Her hands ran over a collection of multi-coloured data crystals, almost caressing them. These were a record of Avon's stay with her; every moment was precious. She chose one at random, went back to her desk and slipped the crystal into a reader.

The vid footage began. Avon was in the imaging chamber. He looked exhausted, as he normally was in the crystals. His body was encased in a sensory unit. His head was surrounded by sound-image projectors which fed images and visions directly into his mind. Sound amplifiers sent pounding impulses which strove to destroy his will to resist. A steady stream of drugs kept him disoriented and controlled.

Silent tears streamed down Avon's face. "No." He would have shouted but his voice was painful and hoarse, he was trying to shake his head in denial of the visions but no longer had the strength or energy to. He must have been screaming for hours already; desperately fighting a battle he could never win. Now the only thing he could do was react in helpless horror to what they were feeding into his mind. "Vila." The lie was becoming the reality.

Servalan's heart hurt for him at the time but it had to be done. She had hardened herself, it was for his own good, and hers; it was for them.

Servalan watched in fascination at the scene unfolding on her monitor. She had never known Avon was capable of caring for anyone except himself and the select few; his love for Anna had been a surprising revelation. That he still loved her and was willing to die with her; even after knowing she betrayed him had made Servalan look at him with new eyes.

As she continued to watch the footage, Servalan became even firmer in her resolve. She was determined to take everyone away from Avon, so that in the end, he would only have her. He would finally have to come to her.

* * *

Vila hated dark and cramped places. He had as long as he could remember. In his nightmares as a child, he would whimper in fear and curl up in a ball, hoping to make himself as small as possible so that the darkness would not notice him; would not come and take him. He knew later that it was foolishness. The darkness was not a living being; it could not harm him.

Much later, he began having another dream. In that dream, the darkness took on a face and a horrifying voice.

_Vila. Vila. Vila._

"No!" Vila woke up in a cold sweat and bolted upright in his bed. The darkness of his cabin filled him with fear and he hugged his knees. His face was wet. He was shivering and his breathing was ragged.

It was that dream again. The dream which made him hate Avon. It was as bad as the other dream which haunted him these days, the dream where he beat Avon with his fists until he collapsed on the ground.

One was real and one was obviously fake, a construct of his increasingly troubled mind.

_It seems so real._ He could _feel_ his fists hitting Avon; could _hear_ the other man's grunts of pain as each strike hit him; could _smell_ the sweat and blood from a man who knew nothing but agony; could _see_ the deadness in Avon's eyes as Vila hit him again and again until he could no longer stand. Vila could _feel_ his own rage, his anger at being betrayed. And a voice encouraging him; giving him suggestions. He couldn't remember.

Vila shook his head. How did the other nightmare turn into this one? He wasn't even asleep this time. _This one seems so real. But it can't be._

Vila hated these dreams. He had made a decision to make a fresh start while on Pleasure City. The friendship of Ture and Allren had filled him with shame. They had inspired him to begin again in his relationship with Avon. Vila had planned to talk to him, to air out their differences; to bring into the open some ugly truths about what they had done to each other. But then these nightmares had started. Now he could barely stop himself from being filled with hatred whenever he was near Avon.

His head was pounding, it was making him nauseous. _Oh great. That's all I need._

He needed a pain blocker but that meant going to Cally. Avon was with Cally; these days, wherever Cally was, Avon was bound to show up sooner or later.

_I'll have to go when she's on her shift on the flight deck. _Vila looked at his desk chronometer. _Another four hours. What am I going to do until then?_

* * *

"Avon, you don't need to follow me around. I'm not _going_ anywhere," said Cally. She never thought that she would be the one to say that to _him_. Since they had made the breakthrough before leaving Pleasure City, he seemed to want to be with her, a lot. That development had only involved kissing each other; she was almost afraid what would happen when they finally did sleep together, in the intimate sense, not the literal-but-not-really-literal sense they were now.

Cally smiled reflectively, he was a very good kisser; at times passionate, teasing, insistent and gentle.

Seeing her smile, Avon asked, "Cally?"

"Sorry, I was thinking about something."

Avon was certain there was a subtext he was not getting. It wasn't surprising; he was never very good at that kind of interpersonal interaction. Sometimes Cally baffled him; she was like a puzzle he needed to solve.

"Avon, don't you normally need a period of solitude?"

"I don't understand."

"We've been together for the last forty-six hours. Constantly together."

"I didn't realize I was doing that," said Avon in dismay. "It just seemed, natural."

"A natural instinct? I'm surprised at you, Avon," she said teasingly.

A look of mild annoyance crossed Avon's face, and then the corners of his mouth lifted in a trace of a grin, "My last natural instinct didn't turn out too badly."

"No it didn't." She smiled in response, stepped closer and kissed him; he responded immediately. They were both getting quite good at this; not to mention it was very pleasurable.

* * *

"Argus. Are you going to let me in?" asked Reya. She was standing outside his cabin; he had not responded to her repeated buzzers. The door slid open and she saw him in the doorway. He stood aside to let her in and then he stepped out. She could almost feel the heat of his anger.

"Argus, this is getting ridiculous. You can't keep avoiding me," she said in an exasperated tone.

He turned to go without talking to her.

"Can we talk about this? Please?" she asked, putting a hand gently on his shoulder.

Without warning, Argus whirled around, grabbed her hand and slammed her hard against the wall. Her normal instinct was to protect herself and fight back but she knew something was wrong, she decided not to resist until she determined what was going on. Normally he would never hurt her but the last day or so, he wasn't being like himself. The breath was knocked out of her as she hit the wall.

Argus held her immobilized. The look in his eyes scared her; it was still Argus staring back, but a completely different one. The intensity of his gaze was disturbing. He let go of her hand and backed away.

"Don't follow me," he told her in a strained voice. "Please. Reya. Not right now."

He turned away from her and almost ran, down the corridor.

Reya looked after him. There was something very wrong. She was determined to find out what it was but he had asked her to not follow him.

* * *

Argus arrived on the flight deck as Cally began her shift.

_Good, Avon's not here with her, this will be easier, _thought Argus.

His mind and emotions were tightly in check. The discipline learned during sessions designed to resist mind manipulation under torture, were very useful when dealing with Cally. As long as she didn't suspect.

She was busy making routine checks on the ship's systems with Zen.

"Cally."

She looked up. "Avon's in his workshop. If you're looking for him."

"No. I was going to ask if you would mind switching shifts. I'll take this one."

"Are you and Reya having another argument?" asked Cally.

Argus was startled. _Of course you would guess that._

"How did you guess?" he asked wryly.

"History? Is there anything I can do?"

"No. Thanks. It's something we have to work out on our own." Argus felt uncomfortable lying to her. The truth was, he didn't know what was wrong, but he had a sneaking and troubling suspicion.

"Alright. Let me know if you do," she told him before heading for the steps.

"I will."

Argus watched Cally until he was sure she was gone. He checked further down the corridor, to make sure that no one would disturb him, then he came back and instructed Zen to use his special contact protocol.

Servalan appeared on the screen.

"What did you do to me?" he asked her with a frosty anger the moment she became visible.

Servalan smiled innocently, "Why, Commander, whatever do you mean?"

_Commander._

The word echoed in Argus's mind when she spoke it; he tried to shake it off. His hands tightened in a fist. It felt as if he was uncomfortable in his own skin and he needed to break out.

Argus had been trying to keep himself contained. At first it was only a growing restlessness. Then it was an almost irresistible urge to act; something violent and destructive. It was a state which was disturbing in its familiarity. He had felt this way before; sometimes before a military campaign or mission. But this time it was also different. He felt like a bomb about to explode; but unable to.

He had tried to keep to himself; had fabricated an argument in order to isolate himself from Reya. The last few hours had been agony but his discipline had just been enough to keep it under control.

It had started shortly after he had talked to Servalan.

"You don't look well," she noted clinically from the vid screen.

"What. Did. You. Do. To. Me?" he asked again in a tight voice, each word punctuated like a strike.

She smiled again; this time it was no innocent smile. It was that of a snake that had its coils around its victim and was squeezing slowly and deliberately. "Just a little demonstration. I believe the point has been made quite effectively. Did you manage not to hurt anyone?"

There was a flash of guilt in Argus's eyes as he remembered the look on Reya's face as he slammed her against the wall. He didn't answer Servalan's question as the implications of what she was saying, hit him. She had been able to control him, somehow; had been able to turn him into a dangerous killer without a target.

_The conditioning. That must be it. _The conditioning he had received as part of his specialized Federation military training; he was never told what some of it was meant to achieve. He seemed to be subjected to more sessions than was normal, even for an officer in the Special Forces.

There was never a memory of the sessions afterwards, not even a recollection that he had them, not unless he consciously thought about it, which he was never inclined to do. Now that he was thinking about it, he never remembered the sessions unless he was in the presence of someone who did remember, usually the people who were involved in the conditioning process or those who had the authority to command; people like Servalan.

_No. This can't be. Have they been controlling me all along? Have I been a danger to everyone? I must still be a danger. I have to get away. I have to remove myself. Remove the threat._

* * *

Servalan could see the progression of emotions and realizations reflected in Argus's face as she watched him on her vid screen. She could guess what he was thinking; could follow the inevitable flow of emotions; anger, outrage, fear, determination, sacrifice. It was time to step in.

"You needn't worry. I do not have the kind of control you're afraid of. You don't have to kill yourself."

"Why should I believe you?" asked Argus warily, every word indicating his complete mistrust of everything she said.

"Because you won't remember this after we speak. I have no reason to lie to you."

Argus's face twisted in an unpleasant scowl. "It _was_ the conditioning I received as part of my training then."

"To an extent."

"What do you mean?"

"Come now, Commander. Can't you guess by now?"

_Commander. _The word made him feel ill at ease again. "Zen!" Argus tried to tell the computer to record the conversation.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Commander. Not unless you want me to make you forget _now_. I can do it very easily and instantly." Servalan didn't even bother to add a tone of menace. The threat was very clear.

Argus hesitated. "Belay that, Zen."

The computer responded, "Confirmed."

Argus asked, "Why the charade then? If you had the ability to do this to me all along? Why go through all that when we were at Papos?"

"It is not that kind of control. The conditioning cannot _make_ you do anything. It only opens up certain aspects of your character and makes them dominant; and suppresses others. You are more inclined to do certain things; more willing to follow certain orders."

Argus had a sickening feeling. "They made me a monster."

"Hardly that, Commander. You just became a more effective tool."

"A cold-blooded killer, you mean." Argus had always felt that he was; now he knew that it was even truer.

"If that was the requirement, yes."

"If I had known…"

"You would have refused? You did. Many times."

"I don't remember." He desperately tried to wrack his mind for even a sliver of recollection; but there was none.

"No. You wouldn't. Those memories were always removed. It would have been inconvenient to have you remember them. You're a killer with a conscience. They were never able to get rid of that weakness."

"I will stop you and the Federation. One day. I won't have to remember _this_ to do _that_," he said with cold and deadly resolve.

"One day, perhaps, it will no longer be necessary to have people like you, Commander."

"Don't tell me you regret this. I won't believe it."

"It is one of the burdens of leadership, as you must know. To do things which are necessary, because to not do them, would be infinitely worse."

"So the end justifies the means?" he asked cynically.

"Didn't you already make that choice, Commander? When you decided to protect Avon?"

Argus felt sick. He had willingly and unwittingly walked into a trap; or he had never left it.

She continued, "The things the Federation found inconvenient have made you very valuable to me. Your conscience. Your sense of compassion. Your capacity for self-sacrifice. Without them, I would not have been able to extract that commitment from you. You are willing to do almost anything to protect Avon. I needed you to do that."

"You manipulated me, for your own purposes." His voice was hard.

"Are you surprised?"

Argus wanted to reach across and strangle her. His urge to kill had finally found its target. "I should kill you." He really wanted to.

"Stand down, Commander," said Servalan. It was the tone of command. "Don't do something you will regret."

Argus pushed down the growing anger. To his shock and dismay, the tension began to ease. The lesson was now complete.

"Was the agreement even real?" he asked her bitterly. _It was a serious mistake thinking I could trust you, even a little._

Now that her point had been made, Servalan felt generous. She still needed him to believe in the agreement.

"That part of it is real," said Servalan.

"And the rest?"

"You should have been more careful. But I promise you, as long as you honour our agreement, Avon will not be a target for the Federation."

"Or you?"

Servalan smiled, "Or me. But there must be no repeat of what you did at Pleasure City. Or the next lesson may not be as harmless as this one. Now tell me where you are going that is so important."

Argus's lips formed a snarl. "I am not here to serve your interests, no matter what you do to me."

Servalan shook her head, "You still haven't learned. I am not doing anything to _you_. It is what you can do to others, which scares you."

"You cannot take the chance that I will hurt Avon."

"You mean that, _you_ cannot take that chance. Let me see: Avon, Cally, and who else?"

Argus grimaced.

Servalan continued, "Be sensible, Commander. I am not giving you any orders. Not this time. I only want to know where you will be, in case I need to contact you."

He ignored her demand and said, "This arrangement does give you the right to dictate what I can or cannot do, outside of what I agree to."

"True. But while you are commissioned on a task for me, you will not pursue your own agenda."

"As long as I fulfill my commission, you have no say on anything else," Argus continued pushing. Despite her display of power over him, he could not allow her to gain control over his actions or that of his crew.

"You are not fulfilling your commission if your actions negate my purposes in sending you."

"Then you should state your purposes more clearly. Unless…in doing so, you're afraid that I would not have agreed in the first place?"

Servalan smiled and inclined her head. _You are cleverer than I thought. _She said, "Then I should be very explicit as to my goals the next time."

"If you dare."

"Now tell me where you are going next."

Argus hesitated. He had won this battle but she had also made her point. "We are headed to Sector Ten."

"To deal with the alien presence there?" she asked. _This will be interesting._

"We will be doing that," said Argus guardedly. He was not about to tell her the primary reason.

"You should have told me earlier. We are supposed to be in this fight together. Or have you forgotten?"

"I will let you know if your help is required," said Argus.

"Very well."

**Chapter Two**

After talking to Argus and making sure that he only remembered what he needed to remember, Servalan sat at her desk, thinking. Things were working out to be potentially more entertaining than she had hoped for. Avon and the _Justice_ were headed for Sector Ten. Argus would be meeting up with an old friend; though friend was probably not the word he would use.

Servalan smiled. Her investigators on Papos had been able to find out the identity of the mysterious woman with Sester. With the information they had gathered, it had not been difficult to piece together what had happened. It was serendipitous to have both Argus and Sester in Sector Ten. It served her purposes nicely.

Both men had to be handled carefully and with a certain degree of ruthlessness. Anything less and they would break out of her control. Servalan found it amusing that their natural counteraction with each other would serve as an exertion of her power over them. Sester would know right away. Argus would figure it out eventually, and then he would be angry and feel even more trapped.

In her revealing conversation with him, the one thing which she never told Argus, was that there had never been any danger that he would do any serious damage. The self-control had been part of the original conditioning program. It was necessary that as a dangerous weapon, he could not be released unless instructed to by those who held the control. To activate the weapon without giving it a task to perform was an effective form of punishment. In Argus's case, it made him hate and fear himself.

And now this weapon was going to get another lesson, in power and deviousness.

* * *

"Reya let me in." This time it was Argus outside of Reya's cabin, pleading with her to open the door. He couldn't understand why he had acted the way he had earlier. All he knew was that he had to make it up to her; had to beg her to forgive him for acting like such an ogre.

Argus continued. "Please, Reya. I'm sorry for acting like an idiot before. I never meant to hurt you. I would never do that. I don't know what came over me."

"She's not in there," said a voice behind him.

Argus whirled around and saw Vila; the thief had snuck up on him. Normally even the soft-footed Vila couldn't do that, but Argus had been too preoccupied with Reya to notice.

"It's never a good idea to sneak up on me, Vila," said Argus.

"I wasn't sneaking. Just passing by. Decided to be neighbourly."

Vila had tried to go the medical bay earlier to get some pain blockers. Avon and Cally had been in there; doing something he would have never thought he would catch Avon doing out in the open. Jealousy was now added to the other negative feelings he had been having towards Avon. Vila didn't want to experience these things but he couldn't help himself.

_I need to find someone too_, thought Vila. _Why does everyone have someone to kiss except me? I wonder what the Atholian women are like. I hope they're not all like Reya. That would be scary. _

"Do you know where she went?" asked Argus. Normally he preferred to keep his private life, private, but Argus was desperate. He knew that he had hurt Reya; had probably made her disgusted with him.

"She didn't very look happy," said Vila.

"I _know_ that. That's why I have to find her."

"If you want some advice about women," offered Vila. "I always find that it's better not to upset them."

"That's a _great_ help, Vila," said Argus. "As you can see, it's a little _late _now."

Vila thought for a bit. "What you need now is Vila's sure-fire damage control plan."

"Damage control plan?" asked Argus. Damage control was something he could relate with.

"Well, believe it or not, sometimes women do get mad at me. It's rare. But it does happen."

Argus didn't know Vila well enough to believe this or not. The thief did have a tendency to exaggerate, but he had seemed quite popular with the women on Pleasure City.

"What's this plan," asked Argus. "Would it work for me?"

"I don't see why not. Reya is a woman," said Vila. "Wait a minute. Why aren't you on the flight deck?"

"Cally and I switched shifts."

"Oh. Cally is on the flight deck now?"

"Yes."

"And where's Avon?"

"Probably in his workshop."

"I'll be right back," said Vila, rushing off.

Argus wasn't quite sure what to do next. Vila had not said where Reya was. _I should keep looking for her. But Vila did say he was coming back. It might be worth listening to this damage control plan of his. It's got to be better than what I've been doing._

* * *

Solitude. He did need it; Cally had been right. Avon didn't understand this need himself. He had it from an early age, this necessity to be alone to think; to be at peace without the constant pressure other people's presence put on him. Interacting with most people confused him. They were not orderly or logical. What he saw of them often made him want to retreat more. Their inconsistencies bothered his rational mind.

It was not to say that he did not crave social interaction; but only in controlled, measured doses. That was, until Servalan. The forced isolation she had subjected him to had made him understand the difference between the solitude he needed and truly being alone; without friends, without people who cared whether he lived or died. He would have dismissed it before, saying that he didn't need people; he never needed anyone. But it would have been a lie; even from the beginning, he had always needed at least one person, whether it was his brother, or Anna. One person to care; one person he could care about.

Servalan had him imprisoned and tortured him for months and no one had looked for him. No one had wanted him, except to kill him. There had been a look of triumph on Servalan's face when she told him that.

But now he had Cally and the rest of the crew. They all cared about him; that mattered to him now. At first, when they rescued him, he had been afraid of being alone again. Even the solitude of his cabin reminded him uncomfortably of the isolation of the cell. When his mind wasn't actively occupied, he found that he couldn't face being alone; wasn't sure he ever could again.

The last few months of interacting with Cally and the others had shown him that he wasn't alone anymore. There were people who cared whether he survived or not; who valued him beyond what he could do for them; who wanted him to be happy and did not seek to control him. After Anna, he didn't think he would be able to find people like that again. And Anna hadn't even been real.

Being with Cally, sleeping in her cabin without any pressure, had provided a solace. Her presence was a comforting reminder that he was no longer alone.

Avon looked at the calibration tool he had been holding. He smiled wryly and put it down. He had been holding it for the past few minutes, not doing anything with it; just thinking and reflecting. Avon felt at peace. _I needed this time. Cally was right._

_Cally. _A soft smile touched his lips at the thought of her. She had enabled him to enjoy solitude again, to not be afraid of it. She had known. In terms of human needs and interaction, she was the genius. Cally evoked feelings in him; feelings which he had been afraid to explore again since he thought he had lost Anna, and then later even more after discovering that Anna had betrayed him. _Perhaps it is time again._

There was still one major obstacle.

Reya entered the workshop. She stood uncertainly, looking around her.

"Are you looking for something?" asked Avon.

"I was looking for Cally. I thought she might be here. She wasn't in the medical bay," replied Reya.

"She's on the flight deck," replied Avon.

"Oh. She's talking to Argus?"

"If they're together, then yes, I imagine they are talking."

"Oh."

Avon could see that she was uncertain about something.

"Is there something wrong?" asked Avon.

Avon was not the person Reya would automatically think of sharing something personal with, but before she thought about it she said dejectedly, "I wish I he would talk to me."

"The two of you had another fight," remarked Avon dryly. These two's constant friction was at once both irritating and amusing.

"I don't know."

"You don't know if you've had a fight?" Avon couldn't see how that was possible given the history of their interaction together. The one thing they should be able to identify without any difficulties, was if they were having a conflict. In fact, the default would be that they had another argument and Argus had done something silly again.

For some reason this conversation led Avon to think about Anna. He thought that _their_ relationship had been special. Nothing he said or did ever seemed to bother her; she always gave the impression that she could see right through him, and understood his true feelings, despite his outward manner. But now he knew that it was all an act; he was a fool to think that kind of relationship was possible. A relationship that was based on truth rather than external appearances; where each one _knew_ the other person would be willing to die for them, without having to say it.

He looked at the unhappy Reya. Even though he often mocked Argus's ineptitude and his uncharacteristic vulnerability in his relationship with her, Avon recognized that these two loved each other with the kind of depth that he once thought he had with Anna. Their love was very expressive and often explosive, unlike his with Anna; but where they were alike was that their love survived their own weaknesses. With each other, they were not afraid of being themselves; there was no desire to possess, each accepted each other for who they were.

Reya said, "I'm not sure _what_ we had. It was silly. It was nothing. But he…" She was afraid to tell Avon what had happened; how Argus had almost attacked her.

"Perhaps it is better if you find Cally," said Avon. "I'm not the best person to consult on this."

"But if he's talking to Cally..."

Avon considered this. Her only other option was talking to Vila but she seemed to be implying that she wanted to talk to him.

"Alright," said Avon. Other than with a few people, he rarely made much of an effort at interpersonal interactions before; but Avon knew that his decision to no longer isolate himself, had another component, other than the seeking of company for himself. Avon was a man who lived what he believed. When he made a decision, there were no half measures; to be anything less would be a lie.

He cleared a space for her so she could sit down. "Tell me what happened," he told her.

"Well, we were talking about melee and jousting…"

"Let me guess, this had to do with the scenario you arranged for him on Pleasure City?"

"Yes. He seemed to enjoy it at the time; even though he did keep falling off the horse at first. And he won the tournament. He was very happy. He was magnificent." Her eyes were focusing on the past as she recounted the events. It had been a wonderful day. And afterwards, as befitted the knight who won the tournament, she had given him his reward.

"That hardly sounds like a cause for conflict."

"It wasn't. Not until later. I don't understand why he started getting angry when we came back to the ship."

"The scene in the teleport room?"

"Yes, that was the start. What he said didn't make any sense. Then he stopped talking to me and he deliberately started avoiding me. And then he locked himself in his cabin."

"That sounds like unusual behaviour for him. Has he acted this way before?"

"Never. He might avoid talking about things, but he never runs away from it. He's never tried to…"

The tone in her voice warned him there was something else wrong. "What did he do?" he asked sharply.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it." Reya was still very reluctant to tell Avon the truth.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me everything," said Avon.

"He was sorry afterwards. I could see it in his eyes. But there was something else there."

"Did he try to hurt you?" he asked her.

"I think I startled him. He just reacted."

"You don't believe that. He's too good to just react mindlessly. He already knew it was you."

"Can you talk to him, Avon? He won't talk to me. Every time I try, he gets angry."

"I doubt if he will listen to me," said Avon. "Relationships are not my area of expertise. I have enough problems with my own."

"He respects you, Avon. He'll talk to you. Please?"

Avon looked at her and sighed. A plea for help. How could he resist? He never had before.

* * *

"You're a fool." These words greeted Argus as he was exiting the wardrobe room. Avon was standing just outside, leaning against the opposite wall. He appeared to be waiting.

Argus said irritably, "Thank you for that observation. I already feel like one. I don't need you to tell me."

"What _are_ you wearing?" asked Avon. He was about to address the issues which Reya had asked him to, but he couldn't resist.

"I'm trying to get Reya to forgive me. This was Vila's idea. He said that wearing less threatening colours would be better when I see her. He didn't think my normal colours were suitable. He said I always look like I'm ready to attack something," said Argus. He pulled on his shirt uncomfortably.

"And he suggested pink?" asked Avon, his eyebrows lifted in scepticism.

"Well, not exactly. It's the least threatening colour I could think of."

"I see. You're also an idiot."

"Is this your idea of help? Because it's not helping," said Argus grouchily. He was already feeling self-conscious and ridiculous. Avon's reaction told him that pink was most likely the wrong choice.

"You must love her very much," said Avon with sudden seriousness. He couldn't imagine someone being willing to humiliate himself like this unless he did love someone a great deal.

"I thought a little abject grovelling might be called for. Did she send you?" asked Argus as he re-entered the wardrobe room.

"Yes. She's under the mistaken impression that I might be able to help," said Avon as he followed him inside.

"Well, I won't tell her that she made a big mistake, if you don't tell her about the pink." Argus looked indecisively at the clothing racks, trying to decide which other colour was less threatening but would not produce a humourous reaction.

"I would recommend wearing your normal clothing," suggested Avon. "She fell in love with you, not a clown."

Argus turned to look at Avon. The other man's face indicated he was being honest, not critical. "I suppose you're right."

"Of course, I am. Interpersonal interactions may not be my forte…"

"You surprise me," said Argus with light sarcasm. He began taking his pink shirt off.

"Do you want to hear this or have you not finished with your witty remarks yet?" asked Avon.

Argus could see that the other man was trying, he said, "Go on."

"Reya seems like the kind of person who respects honesty, not entertaining displays of emotion. She only wants you to talk to her. "

"You think so?" asked Argus uncertainly. Part of him knew that Avon was right. Honesty had always been important in his relationship with Reya. "I think they expect entertaining displays sometimes. It makes them feel appreciated." Argus chose his normal vaguely military-looking dark shirt and put it on.

"You're talking about women in general?" asked Avon.

"Yes."

"I doubt Reya can be regarded in that category. Women in general."

"She's still a woman. Though she _is_ a very special one."

"Spoken like someone with a completely subjective view," remarked Avon. He had a thoughtful look on his face, "Do you think Cally might expect entertaining displays?"

"From you? Probably not," said Argus.

"She would be surprised," said Avon.

"Shocked would be more like it. She might think there was something wrong with you."

"Probably," said Avon wryly.

They both exited the wardrobe room. "You're not bad at this," said Argus.

"At what?" asked Avon.

"The interpersonal stuff," replied Argus.

"You're still a fool for hurting her."

"I know that. I'm not sure what came over me. I don't _understand_ it." It scared him that he could come so close to losing control.

"Do you think that it could have been something you ate or drank on Pleasure City?" asked Avon.

"It would be disturbing if it was. And dangerous," said Argus with concern in his voice.

"I'll contact the people at Pleasure City. See if anyone else had the same reactions. Do you remember what you had?"

"Most of it."

"Why don't you go to Reya and perform some abject grovelling first; while I do some investigating?"

"Couldn't I do the investigating instead?" asked Argus.

"Abject grovelling usually requires _personal_ involvement," said Avon.

"You're a great help."

"You're welcome."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One

Chapter Three

A soft chime indicated an incoming communication. Sester stopped scrolling through the latest report and checked the incoming log. _Servalan_. He accepted the signal and looked up at the screen.

"Madame President. To what may I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

There was a brief lag as the relay stations boosted the comm signal back to Earth.

"How is the war progressing?"

Sester smiled. "Don't tell me that you contacted me, just so that you could avoid reading my daily reports?"

"Reports are such tedious things. They are nowhere near as _interesting_ as the person who wrote them."

"Perhaps some illustrations would help?" Sester was very used to this game by now; on some levels, he enjoyed them.

"Of you?"

"I'm sure you have quite a few in my file. Or would you prefer a recent one?"

"That might be helpful. While you're about it, why don't you include one of Argus as well?" she suggested casually.

It was not often that someone could surprise him; Servalan and Avon were among the few. He had to be very careful. Sester kept his face neutral as he asked with mild curiosity, "Argus?"

"Yes. I understand that he and the _Justice_ are on their way to Sector Ten."

"You mean _Avon_ and the _Justice_." _When did you start developing an interest in Argus, Servalan?_ This new shift was disturbing. Anything new which Servalan did immediately raised alarms. It meant she was up to something. Not that she wasn't always; but Sester preferred being able to track her deviousness.

"Of course, I meant _Avon and Argus_ are on their way to Sector Ten."

Sester studied her face. Servalan was as unreadable in her false pleasantries as he was in his controlled charm but she was also being deliberately transparent in her lack of subtlety.

She continued, "I want you to act as my personal liaison to the _Justice_ crew during this conflict. It is time the war in that Sector ended. It is time to send a message to the alien intruders in our galaxy that their efforts will not succeed. Make the Federation forces in that sector available to the Atholians."

"You must know how Avon feels about what I did to him. Sending me as a liaison would not be the wisest choice if you want him to work with the Federation," said Sester reasonably.

"Perhaps not. But you are _my_ choice. You will serve my purposes very effectively," said Servalan.

_Is it possible that you know about Reya?_ thought Sester. This was something he had been afraid of. Having Servalan know, put him at a distinct disadvantage in their dealings; but so far she had not shown any indication that she was aware of what happened.

"Then you must have purposes which you have not stated," said Sester.

"Don't I always?" asked Servalan with an alluring smile.

"Would you care to tell me what they are?" pressed Sester.

"What would be the fun in that?" asked Servalan. Her tone changed and she ordered, "I also want you to find out what Avon is doing there. Make contact when they arrive. Servalan, out."

The communication abruptly terminated before he could say anything else, leaving Sester staring at the blank screen.

_Reya_.

* * *

"Wearing a pink shirt would have been less embarrassing," muttered Argus under his breath as he followed Reya. He was holding her hand and she was dragging him towards the flight deck.

"What did you say?" asked Reya, as she looked back at him.

"Nothing. I just said that…nothing." Argus decided not to repeat what he had mumbled and said instead, "They're going to make fun of me."

"They're not." Reya thought about it for a second. "Well, maybe just a little. You are the one who suggested this, remember?"

"I know. I know. I did," said Argus. "But does everyone have to be involved in this? Can't it just be the two of us?"

"It's tradition among my people to do it this way."

"But…"

"Are you trying to back out?"

"Well…does it have to be so embarrassing?"

"It is not embarrassing. It's _supposed_ to be serious."

He pulled back on her hand, causing her to stop and look back at him again. He drew her to him and put his arms around her in a hug. "I'm very sorry for what happened before."

"You've said that many times already," said Reya. "You don't have to keep saying it. I believed you the first time."

"Before we do this. I want to make sure you know what you're getting into. I have a dark side that comes out sometimes. You saw it. I don't want it to. Sometimes it has to because it's useful. Sometimes it changes me in a way that scares me. It hasn't happened in a long time. I thought that it had finally gone away. I _hoped_ it had. Reya, I need you to promise that you will stay away from me when that happens."

"Argus. You know I can't do that. I want to help you. You don't have to do this alone. We'll find out what's causing it. There must be a cause."

"No, Reya. There is no cause. It's just a side of me that I hate. I was a fool to think that it could just go away. It's a part of me."

"I don't believe that. That darkness is not you."

"You don't want to see it. But that is who I am, Reya. I wanted you to be very clear about that before we take this next step."

Reya looked into his eyes. She refused to believe that it was part of him; but it didn't matter. She told him gravely, "I love you. I will always love you, no matter what happens. I want to take this step with you."

"I don't deserve you," he told her. He leaned forward and kissed her. "And I will take this step, even if everyone does laugh at me."

* * *

When Reya and Argus arrived at the flight deck, Avon, Vila and Cally were already there. Seeing them, Argus had a strong urge to run. He tugged on Reya's hand and whispered into her ear, "Is this really necessary?"

"It is customary in my culture for a pledging to be witnessed by those who are close to you," explained Reya.

"It's in case you chicken out," said Vila helpfully. He was carefully standing a distance away from Avon, trying not to look at him.

"Yes, apparently we are here to restrain you," said Avon with an almost expressionless face.

Argus glared at him and looked embarrassed at the same time.

"Don't listen to them," said Reya. It was her turn to glower at the two troublemakers. There was no embarrassment on her face, just a sternness that would not accept any more nonsense from either one of them.

Vila was grinning. Avon looked vaguely amused. There was an unreadable expression on Cally's face.

Reya instructed, "Zen, contact General Borel Reve's headquarters in quadrant five of Sector Ten, the Athol Prime System."

"Confirmed." After a few moments, Borel appeared on the main viewer.

"Reya. What was so urgent you couldn't wait until you arrived?" The young general was in his familiar Athol black and brown military fatigues.

Reya replied, "Argus has something he wanted to say to you." She pulled on Argus's arm so that he stood next to her.

Borel looked at Reya and then Argus with a puzzled and amused expression on his face. "I see that you managed not to do any permanent damage to each other, Commander. I'm glad of that. I would hate to have to send out the Elite Guard after you."

Argus shifted nervously on his feet; which was very unlike him. That Borel would bring up the topic of damage was unfortunate and made him feel even more uncomfortable. Reya poked him gently in the ribs.

"Reya wanted me to say, that I would like to make a formal petition of pledging between the two of us," said Argus.

Reya turned and stared at him.

Argus coughed and rephrased what he had said, "I meant I would really like to make a formal petition of pledging. We both would, that is."

Reya smothered a grin, put her arm around his waist and they both looked at Borel.

"I'm confused," said Borel. "_Who_ would like to make this pledge?"

"That's not funny, Borel," said Reya.

"You take all the fun out of it sister," said Borel with an impish grin. "Alright, I'll get Kam. Give me a moment." They could see Borel giving instructions to someone off screen.

"What's going on?" asked Argus. The whole proceeding mystified him.

"He's going to get my older brother, Kameron. I'd forgotten. Since my father is dead, any formal pledging should go through him."

"I thought you said, all I had to do was tell Borel? I didn't realize this was going to be so formal," said Argus. "Unless you've forgotten to tell me something, and this is really the Atholian version of the bonding ceremony?"

Reya poked him in the ribs again, this time harder, "Would I do that to you?"

"What did you just do to my sister?" a deeper male voice sternly demanded from the vidscreen. They all turned to look and saw a stockier man standing next to Borel. He had the strong Reve chin and like his brother, wore a military uniform with rank markings of a general.

Argus winced and said, "Nothing. She was just making a point."

"Yes, she does have a tendency to make those," said Kam dryly. "You're Commander Argus?"

"Yes. You're Kameron Reve, Reya's older brother?"

"Yes. Now that the introductions are over, I would like you to explain why you have taken my sister away and not returned her," said Kameron with an unyielding tone.

"It was her choice, sir," said Argus. For some reason, Reya's older brother made him nervous. He felt like a young lieutenant standing before his first commanding officer, trying to explain why he had failed his first assignment.

"That's not a good enough answer, Commander."

"It's the only answer I have. I would have returned her, if that was her wish." Argus was confused at this turn in the conversation but he was determined to stand his ground, for both of their sakes.

"Then I want her returned now," Kameron Reve insisted.

"No, sir. Not unless she wishes it." Argus turned to look at Reya, she shook her head. Argus turned back to the screen, "She does not wish it."

"You would oppose me?" asked Kameron with a warning in his voice.

Argus stood up even straighter than he normally did, and faced Kameron, "Yes. I will not make her. And neither can you. She has her own will in this. I will stand by her decision, even if it means opposing you. But I hope it will not come to that."

Kameron Reve studied them both from across the screen and then said, "He is a good one, Reya. You have chosen well. I already knew that when you left with Argus, you wouldn't be coming back."

"You knew?" asked Reya.

"Borel told me," said Kameron.

Borel was openly grinning now. "I knew the first time I heard both of you fighting."

Kameron addressed Argus, "I believe you have something to say to me?"

Argus took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "I would like to make a formal petition to be pledged to your sister. It is something we both want."

Kameron said formally, "Your petition is granted, Commander. The Reve family recognizes that you are now pledged to my sister, Reya. We will have a feast to celebrate when you arrive."

Chapter Four

Cally found Avon in his workshop, working on ORAC. Half of its inner workings were spread neatly on the workshop table and the computer unit was sitting on his lap. Cally carefully avoided touching or bumping the table; she knew that he had a system for placing everything so that he could put things back together later.

He looked up at her approach. "You don't need to be _that_ careful," he told her.

"I didn't want to cause you more work later," she sat down cautiously opposite him.

"The sentiment is appreciated. But I could put ORAC back together even if you knocked all of the components off the table." He removed another piece from inside ORAC and placed it carefully beside another similar one on the table.

"Then why are you so careful about the placement of things?" she asked him.

"The order saves time and my mind resists chaos." He bent his head down over ORAC's case in order to look at something more closely.

Cally watched him for a few moments. Avon was absorbed in what he was doing but he looked up at her again and asked, "Was there something you wanted?"

"Your mind," said Cally.

Avon looked at her quizzically and straightened up. "Which aspect of my mind were you interested in?" There was an amused look on his face.

"I wanted to talk about when we get to Zirgon. Aren't you worried?" asked Cally.

"Ah." Avon put ORAC down on the work table. "Worrying does not achieve anything useful, Cally. I prefer to concentrate my energies on things I can do something about."

"But this deals with your _mind_, Avon."

"I'm very aware of that. I did not say that I am not concerned. Of course, I am. That is why I have agreed to see Garett."

"Aren't you afraid? I know that sometimes it is a struggle for you to maintain control, even with the drugs. I can _feel_ it. It's getting harder each time."

Avon's jaw tightened in an involuntary reaction. "Afraid?" There was an unreadable stillness in his expression only given away by the continued tension in his jaw. "More than you know," he said finally.

"It's not something you can ignore, Avon." She wanted to draw him out, to get him to talk about it.

"Yes. It is. I have to. Otherwise I would never be able to function. I would be of no use to anyone."

"I never realized. How is it that I can't feel that from you?"

"A lifetime of necessity," he told her; his eyes took on a distant look.

"I don't understand. You mean that you've been afraid most of your life?"

Avon's eyes focused on the present again and he looked at her. For a moment, he had almost shared something deeply personal. He had never done that before, not even with Anna; he had never let his guard down this much before, with anyone.

Avon looked down at his hands, which were resting on the table. They were shaking. "I'm not sure," he said uncertainly. For a few moments, his entire life had seemed accessible; things he never realized he had lost. His mind reached for long forgotten memories but they retreated; and his mind with them.

"How could…Avon!" Cally grabbed him as he toppled over. All of the pieces on the table scattered and fell to the ground.

* * *

Argus and Reya were in his cabin, being _extremely_ passionate again. After the scene on the flight deck, he needed to do something he was good at and was in no way embarrassing. They were about to reach another high point in their explorations when the comm signal sounded. Reya groaned while Argus made a growling sound and mumbled something incoherent.

"Argus!" exclaimed Reya in surprise. She had understood what he almost said.

The comm sounded again several times; it was an insistent noise. Argus sat up and took several deep breaths, trying to overcome the contrasting confusion of interrupted passion and great aggravation. He hit the comm button and said, "What is it?" He managed to keep his voice even and free of the frustration he was feeling.

"Argus. It's Cally. Avon's collapsed."

Argus responded immediately, "Where are you?" All feelings of frustration and passion were instantly gone, replaced by concern and professional calm.

"We're in his workshop," responded Cally over the comm speaker.

Argus got up and started getting dressed. Reya did the same. "I'll be right there," he responded.

He turned to Reya, "Reya, go to the flight deck and tell Vila to increase the speed to standard by ten. And contact your brother. We might need Healer Garett as soon as we get there."

"Right."

* * *

Cally looked worriedly at the readings on the life monitors.

"What do you see?" asked Argus.

"Physically, there's no change from before." Of course, this didn't mean that there wasn't still a lot wrong with Avon physically; just that there was no worsening of his overall condition.

"Then what's wrong with him?" asked Argus.

"There are some readings which I don't understand. They have to do with his brain. The readings are irregular."

"Is he experiencing a nightmare?"

"Not as far as I can tell. These readings are different. Healer Garett will most likely be able to understand it better than I do. I will make a recording of it to data crystal. He will need this information."

Avon groaned and opened his eyes. He immediately put his hands up to block the light; it hurt his eyes and added to the already considerable pain in his head.

"The light…" he said in scratchy voice.

Argus turned the light down. "Is that better?" he asked.

"The light. Yes. Your voice? No," said Avon as he put his hands down and tried to focus. He grimaced, his head still hurt.

"Sorry," Argus dropped his voice to a whisper. "How are you feeling?"

"You mean apart from the pain in my head and not remembering how I got here?" asked Avon as he registered where he was. Cally came over to stand by Avon's head. He asked her, "I assume it happened again?"

"Yes. I think you were trying to remember something from your past and it triggered a collapse," said Cally with concern.

Avon grimaced again and put a hand to his head. It felt as if his head was being split open.

"Your head hurts?" asked Cally.

"Yes." Her soft voice was a soothing sound.

"I'll get you something for it."

Through the haze of pain, Avon tried to focus on her face. "Thank you."

"Do you remember anything at all?" asked Argus as Cally went to get the medication.

"If I did I wouldn't be asking," said Avon with a snarl. He sat up and tried to get off the bed but this resulted in a wave of dizziness and nausea which caused him to fall over. Argus grabbed him quickly and guided him back onto the bed.

"I don't need your help," said Avon angrily trying to push him away, even as Argus helped him to lie down again.

"You could have fooled me," whispered Argus. Avon's eyes had closed again. "Avon?"

Cally came back with an injector in her hand, she added her voice, "Avon." She shook his shoulder gently but there was no response. Cally checked the readings. "He's unconscious again."

"That didn't happen before. He was able to get up the last time," said Argus.

"It's getting worse," she told him. "And his behaviour is erratic. He seems like two different people."

"We're going to get him some help, Cally. I've increased our speed. We'll have the Healer take a look at him the moment we arrive."

* * *

_What's wrong with me?_ thought Vila. Reya had just left the flight deck after contacting her brother. The ship was speeding towards Sector Ten.

The news that Avon was sick had filled him with alarm and worry. But the other feelings were not far away; they never were these days. Hatred. Hurt. Betrayal. Pain. Violence. This last one wasn't like him at all. Vila didn't understand it.

_I thought I had forgiven him. I thought I had. I was going to start over again. Why can't I shake this?_

The violent dreams disturbed him as much as the ones of the shuttle. The feeling of enjoying them scared him. In them, he was the monster, not Avon. Vila shook his head. In those dreams, he enjoyed hitting Avon, again and again, until the other man collapsed to the ground. And a voice. Always a voice. But he couldn't remember what it sounded like.

_Where do these dreams come from? Why am I having them? What is my mind telling me? That we can never be friends?_

Vila shivered. He had never enjoyed inflicting pain before but in these dreams, he did.

_That's not me! It can't be._

The look in Avon's eyes always shocked him awake. The fear and pain he saw in them, made Vila feel triumphant; but the others, made him ill; it was hopelessness and the look of a man who no longer had a reason to live. Vila recognized it; it was what he saw in Avon's eyes when he had begged Vila to kill him several weeks after being rescued.

_My mind must be mixed up. _His childhood fears, what happened on the shuttle and the events since; they all seemed to be jumbled together. _My mind is playing tricks on me. I can't let it. Avon needs me now._

Vila was resolved but he was still troubled. He had not liked the Vila of the nightmares; the one who enjoyed hitting Avon. Vila shivered again. _I have to fight this._

* * *

They all wanted to go down with Avon. None of them wanted to be left behind. Argus decided that it was safe enough to leave the ship unattended as long as they locked it down. Cally and Vila went down by teleport with Avon; while Argus and Reya piloted the shuttle.

The moment they arrived at Borel's headquarters there were no thoughts of pledging or feasts. The still unconscious Avon was rushed to the medical unit where Healer Garett was ready for him. They all stood around with concerned and troubled faces as Garett asked Cally, "What happened?"

"He was trying to remember something and he collapsed," Cally replied.

"Has this happened before?"

"Yes. Once before. Not that long ago. I took some readings of his brain activity this time." She handed Garett the data crystal she had made onboard the ship.

Garett went over to a desk and slipped the crystal into a reader. "These are very disturbing," he said after studying them.

"Can you see what's wrong?" asked Argus.

"I don't want to say until I do a thorough examination of his brain. I had the brain mapping machines brought in."

"Brain mapping? That sounds painful," said Vila.

"It won't hurt him," reassured Garett. "But they will give a comprehensive scan of every aspect of his brain. Leave him with me."

"I would like to stay with him," said Cally.

"Of course. But only you. Why don't the rest of you get some rest? There's nothing else you can do."

"How long with this mapping take?" asked Argus.

"Several days, depending on the complexities I find."

"Complexities?" asked Cally.

"His mind was tampered with when the Federation captured him. And from the sounds of it, there have been other instances of manipulation as well. The extent will determine the level of complexities that have to be unravelled."

Argus really hoped that Cally understood what Garett was talking about, because he only had a vague idea; and even that vagueness was not painting a good picture.

* * *

Argus, Reya and Vila were brought to the dining room where they were to join Borel and Kameron for an evening meal. The two brothers were not in the room yet but there was another man at the table, who had his back to them.

"Sester?" said Reya in surprise.

The man turned around to look at the new arrivals. It was indeed the psychostrategist. There was a pleasant smile on his face as he stood to greet them.

"What are you doing here?" asked Argus before Sester could say anything. There was no friendliness on Argus's face, only suspicion and a veiled hostility.

Sester's face never lost his smile as he replied, "Waiting for _you_."

"Why?"

"You're as direct as ever," said Sester pleasantly.

"And you have not lost your talent for being evasive," countered Argus.

"What _are_ you doing here?" Reya asked.

Sester directed his gaze to her and smiled, "I was telling the truth, Commander Reve. I was waiting for all of you."

"What does Servalan want?" asked Argus coldly.

Sester looked at him calmly; he had been expecting this attitude.

He said, "The President wishes me to extend the full resources of the Federation in this region to help in the battle against the alien threat. I am to serve as her liaison. To you and your crew."

Now that Sester was faced with Argus and Reya, Sester understood_,_ beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was part of Servalan's game. She _knew_.

_You are not going to destroy these two, Servalan. I am not going to help you. You can destroy whatever else you like but not these two._

"Tell her to send someone else," said Argus. "Anyone, _except_ you."

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice. I am _her_ choice."

"Avon already has enough to contend with, without your presence," said Argus. His voice had lowered in tone and he was also very calm now; professionally calm and cold.

"Avon? Where is he? What happened to him?" Sester had noticed that Avon wasn't with them when they came in and from Argus's manner, he surmised that something was wrong with him.

"It's none of your business," said Argus. "Save your _false_ concerns for someone else."

"No matter what you may think of me, Argus, my concern for Avon is genuine."

"I doubt Avon would believe it anymore than I do," said Argus. His voice never lost its hardness.

"I suppose I deserve that."

"Is this another _act_ of being genuine?" asked Argus. "This one is not believable either."

"If I _were_ acting, you _would_ believe me," said Sester.

"More psychostrategist trickery?" sneered Argus.

Sester ignored the bait and said, "If you don't want me as the liaison then I would suggest that you take it up with the Federation President."

_It would be interesting to see you try. And it might reveal something about her strategy_, thought Sester.

"I will," said Argus coldly.

Argus, Reya and Vila seated themselves on the side of the table, the farthest away from Sester. Unfortunately, this meant that they were also facing him. An awkward silence followed as Sester and Argus stared at each other with an open challenge in their manners.

"Where is the other member of your crew? Jenna Stannis?" asked Kameron Reve as he entered the dining room with his brother.

With that request, Argus decided that this trip back to the Athol Territories was not going to rate amongst his most pleasant experiences. They all stood up to greet their hosts.

Argus answered evenly, "Jenna decided to leave us. She had other priorities."

"That's a shame. Please, sit." Kameron gestured them all to be seated. "I believe that you know Sester?"

"We have crossed paths," said Argus in a cold tone.

Kameron looked at them curiously; there was a clear air of tension in the air. Sester had not told him that there was conflict between the two of them. Kam had been expecting an entertaining display from Argus and Reya. He had planned to tease the two of them because of the hasty manner of the pledging which had taken place.

"Is there a problem?" asked Kam.

"Not from me," said Argus. He had to stop himself from adding 'sir' at the end. For some reason, Reya's older brother had that effect on him. He wondered if it would be different if he was not pledged to Reya.

"Nor from me," said Sester agreeably.

"Good. With what is happening, it would be inappropriate to hold a celebration but I would still like to extend my congratulations to you, Argus and Reya, for this step you have taken." He raised his glass and the others followed. "Among my people, pledging is almost as serious as the bonding ceremony. You have agreed to explore a life together. Whether you wish to make it formal or not, you are committed to each other now. I wish both of you, all of the best things a relationship of love can bring. Congratulations." With that he drained his glass. The others followed his example.

Sester pause a moment before he downed his. This had been an unexpected surprise. He drank and then put his glass down with the others. He stole a glance towards Reya. With Argus next to her, he didn't want to make it too obvious that he was watching her. She looked happy; and he was happy for her. Sester sighed. No matter what happened, he was determined that she stay that way.

Kameron addressed his sister, "Reya. It is customary for the oldest male leader of the household to give you a gift for the occasion. Amongst our people, property is passed between males. But I would like to break this tradition." He placed a cube on the table and activated it. A large holographic depiction of the Athol Territories was projected above their heads. He pressed a control and the view shifted and zoomed in until they all saw a beautiful planet, like a jewel of blue, green and red spinning slowly in space. "This is my gift to you, Reya. The planet of Tyrellis. It was our mother's birthplace. She died shortly after you were born so you don't remember her, but she was like this planet. A shining jewel that brightened everything she touched. The lordship of this planet will now pass to you."

Reya was speechless; there were tears in her eyes. Argus put his arms around her.

Borel said, "I can't believe it. You've made her cry now. Only Argus is allowed to do that."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Five

Healer Garett and his specially gathered medical team were preparing the equipment for the brain mapping. Cally stood by Avon, who was still unconscious.

Various machines were pushed into place around Avon's head and positioned. Two of the technicians approached and began strapping Avon into place, immobilizing him.

"Is this necessary?" asked Cally. She didn't like what they were doing.

Garett heard her question and came over to address her concerns. "Yes, the results are much better if he doesn't move."

"If he wakes up during the process and…" said Cally.

Garett interrupted, "It's not a matter of if. He has to be conscious for the process. We will _have_ to wake him up."

"Can you not strap him in until after you wake him up?" asked Cally.

Garett nodded. "Of course. It will cause less stress for him." He signalled the two technicians to do as Cally suggested. They removed the restraints that they had already put into place.

"Everything's ready, sir," one of the assistant's told Garett.

"Alright." Garett took the bio-injector that an assistant placed into his hand and injected the contents into Avon's neck. Avon immediately stirred and groaned in pain. His hands went to his head and he began to look around in confusion at his new surroundings.

"Avon, it's alright," reassured Cally as she took one of his hands in hers.

"Cally?" With the pain in his head, he was finding it difficult to focus.

"Yes, it's me. We've arrived on Zirgon. You're in Healer Garett's medical unit."

'Already? I don't remember coming here." Avon tried to recall but the memory was beyond him. He tried to concentrate past the pain in his head.

"You were unconscious," she told him.

"We were talking…in the workshop." He kept trying to remember.

"Yes, Avon. We were."

"I…don't…how did I get here?"

Garett interjected, "That doesn't matter for the moment, Avon. Do you remember who I am?"

"Yes. Healer Garett."

"Good. We are going to use several mind mapping machines in order to make a comprehensive analysis of your brain. They will send various types of impulses directly into your head but we need to prevent you from moving. Do you understand?"

Avon's jaw clenched and sweat was beginning to form on his forehead as he fought against the pain. He nodded his understanding and said in a tight voice, "Yes."

Garett waved the technicians forward and they began strapping him in; both his body and head were immobilized.

As they were doing this, Cally told Garett, "He's in a lot of pain. He will need some medication before this begins."

"Unfortunately, we can't. For this to work, his brain must be unimpaired. Or it will throw off the readings." Garett told her.

"At least give him the medication now and wait until the pain passes."

Garett said, "You don't understand, Cally. The pain will not pass no matter how long we wait. It will only get worse until we find and fix the problems."

Avon took hold of Cally's arm and said, "Let him, Cally."

"Are you sure, Avon?" she asked with worriedly.

"Like this I am of no use to anyone," he told her.

She told him. "It doesn't matter if you are useful or not. We care about you, Avon. I care about you. We want you to get better."

Avon took hold of her hand. "I know. But it matters to me. I need this."

She nodded.

"Alright, let's begin," said Garett. "You'll have to step back, Cally." She took a few steps backwards but not too far.

Each of the machines sent a beam directly into Avon's head. For a moment he stiffened as his mind adjusted to the invasion of impulses. The mapping began.

**********

Argus and Reya were sitting on their beach at the end of the day, staring out over the water and the reflection of the moon over its surface. He had his arm around her and she was nestled against his shoulder. They were sharing an intimate moment; and they both still had their clothes on.

"Are you happy, Reya?" he asked her.

"Yes. Very much."

"I guess it's hard not to be after being given a whole planet."

"I don't care about the planet. I just want to be with you. That makes me happy."

"I've managed to go a whole day without saying anything silly to you. Well, half a day."

"It must be a record," she said with a grin. She turned to look at him.

"I was nervous about the pledging. But I'm not now. We should have done this earlier."

"You weren't ready yet."

Argus sighed. As he continued staring out over the lake, his face took on a worried appearance.

"What's bothering you?" asked Reya, who was studying his profile.

"I'm worried about Avon. What's happening to him, I'm afraid he won't be able to accept it."

"You're afraid he'll try to kill himself again? Like he did before?"

"Yes."

"It's different this time," she told him.

He turned to face her. "In what way?"

"He has Cally now. And us. He knows he's not alone anymore."

"I don't know. Would that make a difference to a man like him? His mind is everything to him."

"Argus, why do you go to such great lengths to protect Avon?"

For a moment, Argus thought she had guessed what he had been doing; the agreement he had made with Servalan. But he realized that she couldn't have.

"He's a member of my team. I would do that for any of them," he told her.

"No. That's not it. There's something different in the way you treat him."

"I _have_ to treat him differently. With all he's been through, I can't handle him the same way I do the others."

"You're saying that you pity him?" she asked, not accepting this answer.

"It's not that."

"Then why?" she asked him.

Argus's brow furrowed in thought as he stared out over the lake again. He had risked a lot for this man without really understanding why. Reya brushed her fingers through his short-cropped hair as he worked his way towards an answer.

He said, "Before, I didn't trust him. The stories I'd heard from Jenna. The rumours of betrayal. Then when I found out what he did for Cally, I began to see him differently. I started looking at what he did rather than what he said. He's confusing. It's as if he doesn't know how to be a person sometimes. I don't know how to describe it. Sort of like how I don't know how to be a civilian. But I know I can trust him. There's something about him. I can see that he doesn't like himself a lot of the times. But I can relate to that. I don't like myself either." Argus's eyes widened as he got closer to the truth. "I guess I see myself in him. Or recognize him in me. We both have a darkness that we wished was not there. We've both done things we're not proud of. And everyday its a struggle. But we try to do the best that we can. I want to help him find his way. In a way. I guess, it gives me hope that I can find mine too. I'm glad he has Cally. He needs her. Just like I need you." Argus turned to look into her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked her.

"I don't need a planet. I have you," she said softly. She leaned forward and kissed him.

**********

Over the next few days, the mapping of Avon's mind continued. Healer Garett was constantly shaking his head. The assistants and technicians with him looked grim.

When it became clear what they were mapping, Garett was horrified. _Why would anyone want to do this to another human being? _He glanced over at the man strapped to the bed. _It's amazing that you weren't driven insane long ago. But that's why they chose you, isn't it? Because of your mind. Your strength of will. They wouldn't have tried to do this to you if you weren't exceptional. They probably thought it would make you superior to no longer be tied to human weaknesses. But on some level, you knew it wouldn't. You must have fought them every step of the way; trying to hang onto what made you human.__ The constant conditioning. And the attempts to re-engineer your brain. I can see those,__ the scars they left behind. You must be afraid that they succeeded. But they didn't. Not fully. I can see that too. That's why they put the blocks in. So that you would not remember. There are so many of them. It may be too painful for you to remember it all. That must be why you collapse. It must have been horrifying to experience your own humanity slipping away and not having any choice about it. How old were you then? Did you even know what was happening? Did they tell you? I doubt they did. I hope they didn't. Even the Federation cannot be that cruel. These machines cannot give me your memories. I do not know what happened to you. I can only guess from the impact it had on your mind. It's too disturbing to even contemplate and I'm not the one who they did this to. Would it be more humane not to tell you and just try to fix the problems? That's the other difficulty. What can be done to help you? The damage has already been done. Even in this age, our ability to repair damage to the brain is limited. __The only thing we can do is to unravel the conditioning. __What's this?_

Garett instructed the technician, "Bring that back. I want to see quadrant D-eight magnified."

_This is interesting._

Chapter Six

Avon was drenched in sweat and his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell in rapid succession and his jaw was clenched. Cally sat in a chair nearby. She looked almost as exhausted as Avon did. She had not left his side during the whole process; only resting when he did or when she went to talk with Garett and his team.

Avon's mind seemed to be floating, detached from his body. He wondered if it was a result of the mapping machines. The agony in his head was just barely tolerable. He had gotten used to it; allowing the pain to wash over him like a wave, something not part of his conscious mind. It was something he had learned to do during the years of torture. Of course, at the Detention Centre, they had ways of countering this. But Garett's people were trying to help him, not harm him. It had been two days since they had started; he wondered how much longer it would take.

A face flashed across his consciousness again. Avon didn't try to reach for it. He had deduced that was what caused the problems the two times he had collapsed; the active pursuing of the memories. It was just a brief image, vague. He couldn't even tell if the face was male or female; only that it was an adult. _Older? Younger? _He couldn't tell yet. _Good. No lapse into unconsciousness. I still retain the memory, even if it is vague. _The experiment had worked. He had been waiting for this to happen again. Avon wondered how many times it would take before the image cleared, or even if it would be the same image the next time. The impression that there was much more to be reached was tantalizing but he resisted the urge. The test had worked. He was not about to let himself collapse again. _This gives me a measure of control. As long as I am patient and let the memories come to me._

Avon gasped in pain and groaned. That break in concentration had caused the pain in his head to flow into the consciousness part of his mind. He focused again and forced himself to redirect the pain. Slowly it eased. _I wonder how this shows up on the mind mapping._

"Avon, are you alright? Do you want me to tell them to give you some rest?" Cally's soft voice was somewhere near his head. He opened his eyes a little to look at her. _You're always there for me._

"No. It's fine." He could see that she looked tired; this bothered him. "Cally, go get some rest. You don't have to stay with me for the entire process."

"I don't care if it isn't rational, Avon. I'm staying," said Cally.

"You're worrying me," said Avon. "That is also not rational."

"Is that your way of saying that you care about me?" she asked in a light teasing tone.

There was a flicker of a smile on his face. "I care that you don't tire yourself out."

She put her hand over his. "How about a compromise? I will get some rest. But I will stay here to get the rest."

"I would like that."

**********

"Shut the machines down." Healer Garett rubbed the back of his neck, picked up a bio-injector and went over to where Avon lay on the bed. They were finally finished with the mind mapping. In turn each of the rays aimed at Avon's head, was shut off. Cally was sleeping nearby in a chair.

"It's over. You can rest," said Garett quietly as he applied the injector to Avon's neck. He was trying not to wake Cally. There was a faint hissing sound as the drugs were administered. "Both of you."

Avon opened his eyes as the pain in his head eased. His jaw relaxed. "I assume you found something?" he asked tiredly.

"You knew we would?" asked Garett as he loosened the straps.

"I would have been surprised if you didn't," said Avon. "You've discovered memory blocks, haven't you?"

"Yes. An extensive network of them. Most of them were placed when you were young. Intermittently after that. Then a cluster of them recently."

"I expected those. Servalan must have done that. But you say many of them occurred when I was young?"

"Yes. They would have most likely started when you were a child. There is also evidence that the conditioning started at the same time." Garett had a sickened look on his face. "That they would do that to anyone is terrible enough. But a child? That is unforgivable."

"I have no memories of that." Avon wanted to remember. He wanted to know what they had taken away from him. And why. "I only have flashes of images. Vague faces I don't remember. Places I have never visited." Another flash in his mind. This time a voice. _Kerr._

_I need this memory. _He started reaching for the fading sound. _No! Must not pursue it or I'll collapse again. _He closed his eyes and concentrated.

"Avon?" Garett asked worriedly.

With that, Cally was startled awake and got up out of the chair. She immediately asked, "What's wrong?"

Avon opened his eyes. "Nothing to worry about. Another memory."

Cally asked with alarm, "Are you alright? How do you feel?"

"Not about to collapse," replied Avon. He pushed himself to a seated position on the bed.

"You've found a way to control them?" asked Garett.

"In a way."

"You discovered this while we were mapping you?"

"Yes."

"That explains some of the readings."

Avon swung his feet over the side of the bed and attempted to get up. His legs felt weak and he fell forward. Cally and Garett caught him and helped him back onto the bed.

"Seems I need to redefine, not about to collapse," said Avon with wry irritation.

"You require sleep. The mapping takes a lot out of you and the pain in your head did not help," said Garett.

"It appears my body is not giving me a choice," said Avon as they lay him back down on the bed.

"We will talk after you get some rest," said Garett. _There is much to talk about._

**********

Reya finished talking with Kameron about some matters regarding the transfer of Tyrellis and headed back to her old quarters. Argus was waiting for her there. She rounded a corner and nearly bumped into Sester.

"What are you doing here?" she immediately asked him.

"Waiting for you."

"This isn't a good idea. If Argus finds you here…" She looked around to make sure no one was watching them.

"Yes. I'm certain that he can take me apart quite effectively. But he's waiting for you, in your quarters. He won't be expecting you yet." He could see that she didn't want to be there. His presence was making her uncomfortable.

"What do you want, Sester?" she asked impatiently.

"I just wanted to talk." He knew that this would most likely be one of the only opportunities, if not _the_ only opportunity, to be alone with her. He found himself wanting to prolong the encounter.

Reya told him, "We have nothing to talk about. As you said before we left Papos, what happened between us meant nothing. We were both victims of circumstance. We are _not_ going to talk about it again."

"That's not why I'm here." Sester took a step forward. Without thinking Reya took one back, trying to keep her distance from him.

Sester was surprised by her involuntary reaction and asked, "What are you afraid of, Reya?"

"Not you."

He was curious and took another step, she retreated again. "Don't do that," she told him.

Her actions showed him something very interesting. He deliberately took one more larger step, forcing her to back up against the wall. Sester was standing very close now, nearly touching. He could feel the warmth of her body. His voice took on a husky quality, "You could always go. But you're like Argus aren't you? You never run away from anything. This presents a problem for you." He inclined his head so that his lips nearly touched hers. They were very _aware_ of each other.

Reya knew she should have left, but Sester was right, she never backed down from a conflict. The proximity of their bodies was triggering a physical reaction that she had not expected. Her body remembered his touch, even if her mind had no intention to. She was shocked.

The next moment, Sester found himself staring up at the ceiling, not knowing how he had ended up flat on the floor, looking up at her.

"Don't do that again," she warned him. "Or I will take you apart myself." Reya left, leaving him lying on the ground.

Sester got up slowly. He rubbed the spot where his head hit the floor. She had been gentle with him. If she hadn't, he knew that he would probably have been unconscious as well as on the floor. _What's wrong with me? I never meant to do that. _He had only wanted to reassure her that he had no intentions of causing her or Argus any problems. _She's never going to believe me now. _He smiled wryly to himself, _I'm not sure I believe me either. But I will try. I owe that to you._

**********

Argus and Reya arrived in the medical unit to check with Healer Garett after finding out that he had finished. The lights had been dimmed while Avon slept. As usual, Cally was near him in a chair, also sleeping, albeit less comfortably. The Healer's team was collating and analyzing the data, at the other end of the room. Garett looked up as Argus and Reya approached.

"How did the examination go?" asked Argus.

It was a simple question but the answer would not be.

"The examination went well," replied Garett. The assorted looks on the faces of the people on Garett's team, did not indicate that the wellness extended to the results.

"How is he?" asked Argus.

"He should be waking up soon." Garett led the way to the patient area.

Avon was sitting up and was talking to Cally when they approached.

Garett examined him and asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Better. You've analyzed the results?" Avon got up off the bed and stood with them.

"Yes."

They all looked at the Healer expectantly.

"First of all, I need to explain that the mind mapping machines work on two levels. One is a physical level. It maps the physiological details of the brain. This mapping is very precise. The other is less precise and identifies psychological impacts by studying brain wave patterns."

"I understand," said Avon.

"As you suspected, Avon. There has been extensive tampering."

"Extensive?" asked Cally with concern.

"How extensive?" asked Argus.

"We have identified three different methods used. Including physical re-engineering."

"You mean they altered his brain?" asked Argus. He looked at Avon. There was an unreadable blank expression on the other man's face.

"In a matter of speaking." Garett addressed Avon, "We've found several regions of neural scarring in your brain, indicating that microsurgery was done."

"Which areas?" Avon asked. He was starting to look pale.

"They mainly targeted regions of the brain which deal with the ability to experience and process emotions."

"But that doesn't make any sense. I can sense emotions from Avon. I always have," said Cally.

"That may be," said Garett. He turned to speak directly to Avon. "What was done did not remove emotions. They tried to do it in two ways. It looks as if they wanted you to have a greater ability to control emotions, specifically, to turn them off. This was most likely achieved by extensive conditioning. I suspect it was done to enable you to process information on a purely cognitive level."

"You mean they tried to make him into a human computer?" Argus was angry at what he was hearing from Garett.

"It's a crude way of putting it, but yes."

Argus looked at Avon again. _Say something, Avon! _The other man stayed silent; his eyes were focused on Garett.

The Healer continued, "The other method involved microsurgery. I suspect the conditioning did not work as well as they had hoped. You most likely resisted what they were doing. So they took the more drastic step of physically overwhelming certain areas of your brain, essentially blunting your ability to experience emotions. You would still feel them but they would be harder to access except for strong ones like anger and fear."

Cally said, "That makes sense. The emotions I sensed were usually dulled. At other times you seemed to be bursting with anger." There was a puzzled look on her face. "But it's not like that now," she told Garett. "I don't understand."

Sometimes being coldly dispassionate had it's uses. Such as now.

Avon finally spoke again and said to the Healer, "What you explained makes logical sense given the facts. I have always been…detached from emotions. Except, as you specified, when they were strong. At the Detention Centre, because of what they were doing, sometimes they were _very_ strong. But after being rescued, as Cally has said, it has been different. I _experience_ emotions, even when they are not strong. Could the intensity of experiences while I was imprisoned, have opened up the areas which were suppressed before? Enabling me to feel them now?"

"That's not possible," said Garett. "Even with the advances in the medical field, damage to the brain still cannot be repaired. At least, that is what I thought. That is what has _always_ been accepted and understood."

"Until now?" asked Avon.

Garett smiled, "Let me show you something." The Healer moved to one of the medical terminals. He entered in some commands. The screen showed various scans of Avon's brain. Detailed images. One of the images zoomed in and filled the screen. On the top right corner were coordinate markings, D-7."

Garett said, "This is a section of your brain. It deals with the area which controls and processes the electro-chemical responses associated with human emotions." He input a few more commands. The screen changed and the picture was bathed in a light green colour, except for a large spot of angry red. "This red portion here represents neural scarring. It becomes quite visible under this type of scan."

Avon eyes narrowed in a wince, as if feeling a phantom pain from the area affected.

Garett input more commands and the display changed. The coordinates now read D-8. The picture was still light green and they could all see more red.

Garett said, "This is the quadrant next to the one we were just looking at. As you can see, the neural scarring extends further."

"There's something different," said Avon, as he studied the monitor carefully.

Garett smiled and nodded. "You're right. There is a slight colour change in some areas of the scarring."

"It's lighter in colour," said Reya.

"Yes. It appears that those areas of the brain are regenerating."

"I though that was impossible," said Avon.

"It is. Believe me. We are just as astonished as you are. Perhaps even more so. We _know_ that it _should_ be impossible. But someone made this happen."

"Someone?" asked Avon. This was a shock.

"There is evidence that something was done on a cellular level to enable this to happen. I cannot pinpoint the exact timeframe it was done. But I know that it was over a year ago but less than three," said Garett.

"But that means it happened while I was a prisoner at the Detention Centre." Avon was confused. They all were.

"Why would they do this? Why would the Federation repair the damage?" asked a mystified Argus.

"Why would _Servalan_ do this?" asked Avon.

"I can think of one reason," a voice said from the entrance to the medical unit. They all turned to see who it was.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Seven

"I can think of one reason," a voice said from the entrance to the medical unit. They all turned to see who it was. Standing by the doorway, leaning casually against the wall and with his hands crossed over his chest, was Sester.

"What are you doing here?" asked Avon with a snarl. No one had told him that Sester was here.

Sester smiled at the predictable attitude and came over to where they all stood. "Is that the way to greet someone with an _interesting_ hypothesis to put forward?" he asked. He was all charm and smiles. Unlike most smooth operators, Sester did not ooze charm; his came across as disarmingly straightforward.

Standing there among them, Sester could see the only one who didn't want him to leave the room was the Healer. _Most likely because he doesn't know me yet_, he thought jokingly. _I'm sure the others will fill him in soon enough._

Argus stepped forward aggressively, "We're not interested in anything you have to say. Leave the room. You're not wanted here." His stare held the promise of air locks and the emptiness of space.

Sester was not one to be intimidated. "I don't think it's your place to say where I can or cannot go. We are _both_ guests here. But I am not here to cause trouble. I will leave once I tell you what I think Servalan's intent _is_."

Argus half-turned towards Avon, but kept his eyes on Sester, "Avon?"

Avon stared at Sester, his eyes boring into the other man like daggers seeking to slice through the façade of civility. Avon projected to Cally _Do you sense anything from him?_

Cally had been trying to do that since Sester had made his presence known. He was one person who instantly caused her to put her guard up. She always wanted to know what he was up to.

_He seems to think he's being genuine in his offer. _She told Avon. A strong tone of cynicism was conveyed with her telepathic communication.

The corners of Avon's mouth lifted in suppressed amusement. _You're getting as bad as I am. _

_No one could be that bad. Not even you. _She sent a ripple of laughter towards him. Avon's amusement became a little less suppressed.

Sester's head cocked in interest. It was obvious to him that unspoken communication was occurring between Avon and Cally. He wished he was privy to what they were saying to each other. _This is interesting. The two of you appear to have grown closer since the last time I saw you. Servalan must have known this would happen. It's unfortunate, I doubt if she will allow it to last. _Sester suppressed his own smile. _I don't think I will tell her though. She is not the only one who can play games_.

Sester was still irritated at Servalan for trying to put him on the defensive, by forcing a confrontation with Argus and Reya. He felt a mixture of guilt and excitement as he remembered the scene earlier, in the corridor with Reya. Thoughts of her always did that to him.

"It might be worth listening to what he has to say," Avon responded to Argus. "It would be interesting to know what he wants us to believe."

Sester inclined his head. "Of course. But I will only speak to you, Avon."

"Fine," said Avon.

Argus gestured for the others to leave. Before he followed them he turned to Sester and said in a cold voice, "If Avon asks me to kill you, I will."

"I don't doubt it," said Sester.

Argus nodded to Avon and then he left the room as well.

* * *

There was a chilly silence as Avon stared at Sester. "Say what you have to say."

"And leave? You left that part out," said Sester.

"You're a psychostrategist," said Avon. The word, psychostrategist, from his lips sounded like something very unpleasant. "I expect you to be able to read the subtext."

"Oh, we can. That's why I'm staying. I do like the challenge of an openly hostile environment."

"Stop wasting my time," said Avon.

"Very well. I think you already suspect what I'm about to say."

"Servalan." Avon said the name with disgust.

"Yes. Servalan. It's ironic that you are benefitting from her obsession with you," said Sester.

"She thinks that giving me back the ability to experience emotions normally will change my need to destroy her."

"I don't think she ever believed that. But I do think she is hoping for different possibilities with you."

"I know what she wants. She will never get it from me," said Avon.

"I hope not. For your sake. But we both know how devious she can be," said Sester.

"I don't need you to tell me that," said Avon coldly. "Unless you plan to tell me something I don't already know, you can _leave_."

Sester smiled at the other man's continued hostility. "We _both_ suspected what Servalan's intentions were in doing this. I just wanted to give you time to sort out your suspicions, without the presence of the others. It avoids questions you might not want them to ask."

"You expect me to believe that you had a fit of altruism?"

"Even psychostrategists _do_ have them occasionally. It broadens our experience," said Sester. He turned serious. "Avon. You may be able to use this obsession against her one day. But be careful how you do it. She's never stopped having a plan where you're concerned."

Sester did not want to see Avon in Servalan's hands again. He did not want to be forced to have to hurt him again. He still felt he owed Avon a debt for what he had done to him the last time.

"I can take care of myself," said Avon.

"You don't need anyone? Do you still believe that, Avon?"

"I don't need _you_."

"True. You have Cally. And Argus. And the others. I should be jealous. It's not often you can find so many people who would stand with you. I believed what he said before, by the way. Argus. He would kill me if you asked him to."

"I don't need him, for _that_."

"I didn't say you did." Before Avon could tell him to leave again, Sester said, "I think it's time to relieve you of my presence." He turned to go.

"This doesn't change anything between us," said Avon.

"I didn't think it would." Sester left Avon to contemplate on the deviousness of a woman who wanted him to be able to experience emotions normally again.

* * *

After Sester left, Argus came back into the room. Avon was pacing; he was deep in thought.

"_Do_ you want me to kill him?" asked Argus, half in jest.

Avon stopped pacing and turned to stare at him. He said, "And what if I said, that I did?"

Argus gave him a wolfish grin and turned to leave, giving every impression that he was about to go on a hunt.

"Wait," said Avon.

Argus turned back to him, "Don't tell me. It's more fun to do it yourself?"

"Stop playing," said Avon.

A brief wolfish grin appeared on Argus's face again, this one had a mischievous quality to it. In a more serious tone he asked, "Are you going to tell me what he said?"

Avon studied the other man, wondering how much he knew and how much he had deduced already.

When Avon stayed silent, Argus said, "You don't have to say anything."

"You've already guessed," said Avon.

"I _did_ find you in Servalan's bedroom when we rescued you. She wasn't torturing you," said Argus.

"That depends on your perspective." There was a brief flash of anger on Avon's face as he said this.

"Cally probably knows too."

Avon nodded resignedly and started pacing again. "It's hard to keep anything from her."

"Yes, I know what you mean. I could swear that Reya can read my mind most of the time and Cally really _can_ _almost_ read yours."

Avon stopped abruptly and asked, "Did _everyone_ leave the room because you wanted to avoid embarrassing me?" He did not like this thought one bit.

"I'm sure _Vila_ had no idea."

"Vila wasn't _in_ the room," said Avon with icy irritation. He began pacing again.

"Well, I'm sure he wouldn't have guessed even if he _was_ in the room. For some reason, he can't seem to grasp the idea that any woman would find you so fascinating. What are you going to do?"

"As Sester observed, this is an unexpected benefit from Servalan's obsession with me. But I fully intend to _disappoint_ her as to the results."

"She may target Cally if she doesn't get what she wants from you. She will see her as an obstacle to be eliminated."

"I'm aware of that." Avon stopped directly in front of Argus and looked at him. He was thinking about something and then he appeared to make up his mind and said, "You said that you would kill Sester if I asked you to?"

"Yes." He looked at Avon quizzically, wondering where this question was leading.

"Would you protect Cally from Servalan if I asked you too?" asked Avon. There was a serious look on his face.

"I would do that anyways. You don't have to ask me," said Argus.

"I don't mean that. I _need_ you to protect her if I _can't_," said Avon.

Argus nodded with understanding. "You're afraid that Servalan will get to you again? And you're afraid of what will happen if you continue to deteriorate?

There was a grave look on Avon's face. "Yes. It's the only thing I can do to protect Cally."

"I won't let that happen, Avon. Not if I can do anything about it," Argus said just as seriously.

"I believe you. But I doubt if sentiment will matter much in the face of Servalan's schemes or if my mind refuses to cooperate."

"Oh I plan to face Servalan with much more than just sentiment," said Argus forcefully.

"Would you like help or do you plan to do it _all_ yourself?" said Avon.

"Sorry. Of course. What did you want to do?"

"You still haven't answered me," said Avon. He needed an answer, even if he already knew what it would be.

"Yes, Avon. I will protect Cally."

"Don't tell her that I asked you to."

Argus nodded. "She won't like the implications. And for the record, neither do I. It sounds too much like you're giving up."

"I'm just being a realist. And I like to make provisions for every contingency."

"Yes, you're infinitely practical. But let's do some fighting first before we start thinking about last resorts."

"You would," said Avon; with a much lighter sarcastic tone than he normally used with Argus.

* * *

Servalan appeared on the main viewer in Sester's observer craft.

"Have you found out why Avon is there?" she asked him.

Sester had prepared his response before she asked him this question. He knew that lies would not work. At least not full lies. The Federation had agents in each of the Reve brothers' headquarters. He directed the majority of them, but that didn't mean that she didn't have other ones who reported directly to her. In fact he knew she did.

"Yes. He's here to undo some of the damage you did to his mind."

Servalan smiled the smile of a slippery snake. "You mean the damage that we _both_ did."

"Yes. You're right," he conceded. "They know about the microsurgery. And about your attempts to fix it. Why didn't you tell me? Those details were not in his files."

"Not _your_ files," she told him.

"I see." Sester wondered where she kept these other files.

"Has he been having problems?" asked Servalan. From her interest, one would think that she really was worried about Avon.

"He wouldn't be here if he weren't."

"I underestimated the Atholians. I didn't realize their level of medical technology was that sophisticated." Servalan thought for a few moments, her eyes focused on something beyond the screen. "Avon does need help," she mused. "Very well, let them help him for now. Don't interfere. But I want to know if they've found out anything else."

"Yes, Madame President."

"_Have_ they found out anything else, Sester?" she asked.

"Not as far as I know, Madame President."

There was a look on her face that told him that she didn't quite believe him; but she had no proof that he was lying to her. She would have been told that examinations were made but Sester knew that the results would have been kept highly confidential. She would not know _what_ was found out. It was most likely that she would guess that they would find the physical damage to the brain. That was the easiest. But she would not guess that they had the ability to find the more subtle damage; the ones that impacted the mind.

"You _will_ keep me informed, _won't_ you?" she said, stressing his role in their relationship.

"Of course, Madame President."

"I want you to arrange to have yourself based on the _Justice_," said Servalan. "I want you to keep a closer eye on them."

"You mean as a prisoner? That's the only way they will let me onboard their ship again," said Sester.

"I'm sure you will think of something, _psychostrategist_," said Servalan. There was no need for further incentives. She expected to be obeyed. "You are very _persuasive_ when you _want_ to be."

"Very well, Madame President."

After Servalan signed off, Sester thought, _I need access to those files. Find out what else she is hiding._

Chapter Eight

Vila watched the open entrance to the medical unit. He'd been waiting there for the last hour, trying to work up his nerve to go in. No one had paid any attention to him in the last few days. He doubted if anyone had noticed that he hadn't been in to see Avon since they arrived on Zirgon. They were all too worried about Avon. Vila was worried too but he was too afraid that the feelings he had been having might make him do or say something they would both regret.

Normally Vila preferred not being noticed. It meant that no one would ask him to do something, or think that all this free time he was having, should be filled with some kind of responsibility that was only important to someone else.

Cally noticed him lurking about outside and came to talk to him.

"How is he doing?" Vila asked Cally when she got near.

"Why don't you go in and ask him yourself," said Cally.

"I'd rather not," said Vila.

"What's wrong with you, Vila? Why haven't been to see Avon since he was brought here," she asked him.

"I didn't think anyone had noticed," said Vila. He hoped that Cally's Auron senses would not be able to tell her what he had been struggling with. She had more than enough to worry about. He did not want to tell her about his angry and violent dreams; not with the way she felt about Avon these days.

Cally saw that Vila was feeling depressed and troubled about something. "Is there something wrong?"

"I want to see him. _I do_," stressed Vila vehemently. "But I _can't_."

"Then why are you here, Vila?" Cally was not able to sense Vila's emotional state in the way she did with Avon, but she knew enough to understand that the thief was conflicted about his reason for being there. "Did something happen between the two of you?"

"Whatever happened, it was a long time ago," said Vila. _But why does it seem like yesterday. It must be these dreams. They make it seem like it just happened._

"Normally, I would say that the two of you _should_ deal with whatever is bothering you… but not right now, Vila. I don't want him to have to cope with more than he has to." Her face was full of worry. Avon had been having continued headaches and it did not seem to be getting any better.

Vila had not been there when Garett told the others what he had found. He still didn't know.

"What did they find? Is it bad?" he asked her. The look on his face reflected hers.

"It is," said Cally. She stopped, finding it difficult to talk about it. "They did horrible things to him, Vila. They tried to make him into a machine. Take away his ability to feel anything. They did it when he was a child, Vila! How could they do that?" She was clearly upset now, and angry. Vila put his hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

Cally had been trying to hide how she felt from Avon. Overtly emotional displays would not help him and would only make him feel uncomfortable and even more burdened than he already was.

Vila felt terrible. He remembered all the times he had accused Avon of being an unfeeling computer. "I thought he was always like that. That it was normal for him."

"How can that be normal, Vila? Unless he weren't human. But he _is_, Vila. Even if he doesn't believe it sometimes. I always _knew_." Cally turned away from Vila.

Vila felt a stab of guilt. He remembered Avon saying something similar once. _"She is more human than I am." _And he remembered his own response, _"That's not difficult."_

_Did they make you believe that? Cally's right. How could they do that to anyone? Did she say that you were a child when they did it? _Vila felt sick. There were so many things he wished he could take back now._ I wish I had known. Maybe it would have been different. Things would have turned out different if we had all known. _He had a strong desire to see Avon now, to talk about things that were important.

"Healer Garett is afraid that we haven't found everything yet," continued Cally.

"But that's not fair. Wasn't that enough? Why did they have to do more?" said Vila angrily.

"Garett said that Avon must have tried to fight them. When the conditioning didn't work the way they wanted, they tried other methods. They operated on his brain, Vila."

Vila put a hand to his head. With him, the Federation had tried aversion conditioning so that he would not steal. It never stuck, but they never operated on his brain before.

Cally told him, "I know now why Avon said that being intelligent should not be a curse. After the Federation realized how valuable his mind was, it _became_ a curse. They saw him as a valuable asset and they treated him like one. He wasn't a human being to them. Just an important resource to be used and controlled."

"That's horrible." That was one of the reasons Vila had bought himself a lower rating; apart from avoiding compulsory military service. The higher the class, the more things they did to you.

"You know, Avon always said that he wanted to be rich. But he wanted it for different reasons than I did. He thought he could be safe if he was wealthy enough and then no one would be able to touch him. I'd always thought that was an odd thing to say. But now it makes sense."

"Yes, many things are starting to make sense. Vila, can you stay with Avon? I want to find Healer Garett," said Cally.

Vila hesitated. This conversation with Cally had helped. He wasn't feeling anything negative; no twinges of memory.

Vila said, "Go and talk to Garett. I'll stay with Avon."

"Thank you, Vila. Try not upsetting him when you're in there," said Cally.

He put his hand to his chest and asked in a slightly offended tone, "Me?"

"I _know_ you, Vila. I know how the two of you interact. I don't want Avon to have the added pressure," said Cally.

"Don't worry. I'm worried about him too." Vila told her, "You know he's not going to like being treated like an invalid."

"I know. Don't tell him that I asked you to watch him. I don't want to leave him alone."

"Alright," Vila reassured her.

aaaaaaaaaa

When Vila entered the room, Avon was at one of the medical terminals, looking intently at something on the monitor. At Vila's approach, he shut down what he had been doing and got up.

"How are you feeling?" Vila asked.

Avon stared at him and then walked slowly back towards the patient area. Vila followed.

"Did Cally ask you to watch me?" asked Avon.

"Couldn't you ask me something easier? Sort of, work up to the harder ones?" asked Vila.

"She did," said Avon. He sat down on the bed and leaned back against the wall tiredly. The pain in his head was bothering him again; the drugs had obviously worn off.

"She told me not to tell you," said Vila

"You're doing a _splendid_ job," said Avon sarcastically. He closed his eyes; it seemed to lessen the pain a bit.

"Well, I can't help it if you already guessed," complained Vila. He stood awkwardly, not knowing what to do. Avon had his eyes closed and didn't seem to want to pay attention to him. _Typical._

He finally settled for sitting down on the chair next to the bed.

"What do you want, Vila?" asked Avon without opening his eyes. "I'm assuming that you _want_ something, otherwise you wouldn't be here?"

Vila felt insulted. He had been sincere in his concern, but Avon seemed to be insinuating that he was only there because he wanted something from him.

"I shouldn't have bothered," said Vila, he got up to leave. "It's a waste of time being _nice_ to you."

Avon opened his eyes to look at the other man. "Sit down," he told him.

Vila didn't understand why, but he sat down. They stared at each other.

When Vila didn't say or do anything, Avon asked, "Well? Does your 'being nice', extend to anything other than just staring at me?"

"You're right. I do want something. But it's not just for me." He knew that Cally would be angry if she knew what he was doing. She had asked him not to put stress on Avon but Vila couldn't help himself. He was not experiencing any negative feelings. _Maybe it's a good time to do this. Before Cally gets back._

Avon could see that Vila was struggling with something. With the pain in his own head, dealing with something else serious, was the last thing he wanted to do. But he could see that what the thief was trying to do was important. Avon decided that the pain in his head was minor compared to a possible repairing of a relationship. He tried to concentrate on what Vila was saying.

"I've been having dreams," said Vila.

Avon gave him a puzzled look. He did not see how this was relevant.

"I've been dreaming about the shuttle," said Vila. He kept his eyes on Avon's face while he said this, trying to gauge his reaction.

Avon grimaced and his stomach twisted in pain. "I can't talk about this now, Vila."

For some reason, Avon's refusal caused Vila to start feeling angry. "Yes. We _are_ going to talk about this now. And _you are_ going to _listen_," he told Avon vehemently.

There was confusion on Avon's face at Vila's abrupt and violent change in manner, "What's wrong with you?"

That made Vila _very_ angry. Before he realized what he was doing, he had gotten up out of his seat, seized Avon by the collar and pulled him up off the bed. The shocked and weakened Avon had no choice but to stand up.

Vila was filled with rage now. "Wrong with me? There's nothing _wrong_ with me. I'm not the one who tried to push _me_ out the airlock." He punched Avon in the face. The force of the blow caused the other man's head to snap back. Blood flowed from his nose.

Avon could see the look of rage in Vila's eyes and the complete lack of rational thought. A memory intruded into his mind. There was a sense of déjà vu. Vila hit him in the mid-section, causing Avon to double over in pain. Vila still had him by the collar, and pulled him upright to face him again.

"Vila." Avon tried to loosen Vila's grip and pull away, but in his weakened condition, he was no match for the thief. Vila knocked his hand away and began hitting him repeatedly.

Vila felt good as he felt his fist impacted the other man's body. _This is right. He deserves it, Vila. Hit him again. Harder. It will make you feel better. Yes, it always makes me feel better._

Avon's head bowed as the blows continued to batter his body. He felt as helpless as he did at the Detention Centre. "Vila." His voice was a whisper; full of pain. Another flash of memory. He could see his cell again; the harsh glaring lights aggravated the pain in his head. Avon winced, as the next punch from Vila landed at the same time as the one in his mind. _Vila? No! _Avon's mind retreated in shock.

This made Vila even angrier, he had a great desire to see the other man's eyes; to see the pain reflected there. He grabbed Avon by the hair and lifted his head up.

"Vila! What are you doing?" Several people pulled him away. Without the support of Vila holding onto him, Avon could no longer stand. He fell, into the arms of Healer Garett, who guided him down gently.

Vila struggled against the arms holding him back but they held him still. He turned angrily to the people who were preventing him from hitting Avon again. The sight of Cally's angry face shocked him out of his rage and he stopped resisting. He began to look around in confusion.

_What did I just do? _Vila was in disbelief as he saw Avon lying on the ground, bruised and bleeding. He remembered hitting him. Vila shook his head; he couldn't sort out whether what he was remembering was from his dreams, or if it had just happened.

Even as they pulled him across the room to the other side, Vila realized with shock, _I've done this before. _He brought his fist up, it was sore and bleeding. He had a sickening feeling; what just happened felt so familiar that he knew that he had done this before; and not just once.

Even as they pulled him across the room to the other side, Vila realized with shock, _I've done this before. _He had a sickening feeling; what just happened felt so familiar that he knew that he had done this before; and not just once.

Healer Garett began examining the injuries. Avon's face was swollen and bleeding. He was curled up, his arms crossed protectively over his chest.

"Avon." Cally was kneeling next to him as well. She had _felt_ the pain from Avon as she was talking to Garett, and had rushed right back. She touched Avon on the shoulder, but there was no response. His eyes were closed.

Cally was afraid; there was something wrong with what she was sensing from him. She tried to reach for Avon with her mind. Cally gasped and jerked away; what she felt nearly brought tears to her eyes. She had never realized that loneliness could be so painful. It was the only thing she could sense from Avon. A wall of painful loneliness. She had not been able to touch his mind.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked Garett.

"I'm not sure yet. These injuries are not severe enough for him to become unconscious. Help me get him up on the bed and I'll make a fuller examination."

* * *

Someone had been sent to inform Argus and Reya. They were now all gathered in the medical unit and had just received Healer Garett's report on Avon's condition.

"As I suspected, his injuries are not severe. Numerous contusions and some internal damage, but nothing to explain his unconscious state."

"_Something_ must have caused it," said Argus.

"I agree. But the reasons are not physical."

Cally told them, "I tried to reach his mind but I can't _feel_ it. Not in the way that I normally can. All I can feel is pain. Something has shocked him so badly that his mind has retreated in order to protect itself."

"How about Vila?" asked Reya. "He's the one who attacked Avon. Something must have happened."

Garett said, "I've examined Vila. He appears to be fine now but his memory is hazy about what occurred. I strongly suspect that his mind has been tampered with as well. Something which causes a violent reaction when triggered. At this point I don't know if it is directed specifically towards Avon or if it is a general reaction."

"His mind _was_ tampered with," Argus informed them. "We found out that Servalan had implanted memories in his mind to make him believe that Avon had betrayed Blake and the Scorpio crew; so he would tell others. They conditioned him to have a strong reaction whenever the events of that day were mentioned. But we had that conditioning reversed already."

"Did you check if there was evidence of other memories or conditioning?" asked Garett.

Argus said, "No. Damn. The one who undid the conditioning turned out to be working for Servalan. Professor Tarkson."

"So you have no idea if he even undid the conditioning," said Garett.

"We assumed that he had because Vila seemed fine after and he stopped trying to attack Avon."

"Until now."

"Yes, until now." Argus realized that he had made a big mistake in not checking after they found out that Tarkson was Federation. Not that they would have known who had the ability to help them, or who they could trust. _But I should have done something._

Garett said, "I will have to do a thorough examination of Vila as well then. I had to sedate him. We will get a better picture when I can talk to him. In the meantime, I have him isolated in another room. I have one of my assistants watching him."

"More of Servalan's doing," said Argus angrily. "She's the only one who could have done this."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Nine

Sester backed up as he saw Argus approaching him in the corridor outside of the guest suites. There was a distinctly unfriendly look on the other man's face. Sester wondered if Reya had told Argus what had happened in the other corridor. He had calculated that she wouldn't.

"Now. Now. Commander. No need to become violent," said Sester. "I can explain." Sester had already prepared a plausible explanation which would avoid any pain for himself.

"You can _explain_?" asked Argus angrily. "_Nothing_ could _possibly_ _explain_ what Servalan has done to Avon and Vila."

_Avon and Vila? _Sester was relieved. He had been right; Reya had not told Argus. But this was interesting.

"I think we're talking about two different things. What did Servalan do to Avon and Vila?"

Argus's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What did you _think_ I was talking about? What did you _think_ you had to explain?"

Sester lied smoothly, "I _was_ going to explain that it wasn't my idea to be sent as the liaison."

Argus wasn't sure he was satisfied with this explanation but he had more important issues to deal with.

"What do you know about what Servalan did to condition Vila? What memories did she implant in him?" asked Argus. He took a step closer, invading Sester's private space, increasing the intimidation factor.

Sester asked, "You mean the Gauda Prime ones? Didn't you have those undone?" He was never intimidated by physical threats; they only amused him.

"We _thought_ we had. But Professor Tarkson works for Servalan. You _must_ have known that. You arranged it all," said Argus.

"Professor Tarkson. Yes. You're right. We _were_ controlling him," said Sester. "But I directed him to reverse the conditioning and remove the blocks. Didn't it work?"

"You tell me," said Argus.

"You have to let know me what you're talking about, Argus. I may be a psychostrategist but mind-reading is not one of my skills."

Argus told Sester what just happened in the medical unit between Avon and Vila.

* * *

After Argus's account, Sester said thoughtfully, "It does sound like what was done with the Gauda Prime setup. But I have no knowledge of this."

"You expect me to believe that?" sneered Argus. "You're Servalan's right hand man."

Sester laughed. "No one can be Servalan's right hand man. Not unless his name is Avon."

"You're jealous of Avon?"

Sester chuckled. "Hardly. I don't think I could survive the kind of interest that the Federation President has in Avon."

"You're saying that she is trying to shape Avon to be her partner?"

Sester smiled. "I think she has much more ambitious plans that just partners."

Argus had a distasteful look on his face. "Why can't Servalan leave Avon alone? Hasn't she done enough to him? When will it end for him? When he's dead?"

Sester said seriously, "You may not believe this, Argus. In fact, I don't expect you to. But I don't want Avon to suffer anymore than you do."

"You're right. I don't believe you," said Argus. "If you were being genuine, you would tell me the truth."

Sester sighed heavily. "I know that Servalan has private files on Avon. They contain everything that was done to him. Information that is not in either the official records or the top secret ones. I have never seen them."

Argus said sarcastically, "If you've never seen them, then how do you know that they exist?"

"Servalan told me. After I found out about the microsurgery which was done, which I did _not_ know about, I confronted her."

"You did that, for Avon?" Argus asked sceptically.

"Yes. I know it seems like a crazy concept coming from me, but I do occasionally do something that can be interpreted as, not evil."

"That still remains to be seen," said Argus cynically.

Sester looked speculatively at the other man and said, "I have an offer to make."

"I'm not interested in any offers from you," said Argus coldly.

"Can we get past Reya for a moment? Just long enough for you to hear what I have to say, _before_ you reject it outright?"

"It has nothing to do with Reya."

"Now it's my turn, not to believe you," said Sester.

"I don't consider you a _threat_, Sester. Just an annoying irritation."

Sester did not want to let that challenge go without giving a scathing response of his own, but he knew that it would be counter-productive to what he needed to achieve.

Instead he asked, "Are you going to listen, or should I waste my time somewhere a little less hostile?"

"Say what you have to say," said Argus, with an attitude that said, I will hear but don't expect me to believe you.

"If you accept me onboard as the Federation liaison, then I will try to find out what you want to know."

"You're proposing a trade?" asked Argus in disbelief.

"Why would I propose a trade that does not give me any benefit? This is not a trade, Argus. Servalan is sending me as the liaison. If I do not fulfill this role, then I won't have any leverage with her."

Argus smiled sarcastically, "Then your benefit is that she won't punish you for not doing what she wants."

"It still doesn't negate my offer. Does it matter why I'm doing it? I will help you find out what Servalan did to Vila."

"And Avon."

"Of course. But you're going to have to help me by accepting me onboard as her liaison."

Argus considered this. He did not like or trust Sester. In fact he was sure he hated him. But if he could find out information that would help Avon and Vila, it might be worth accepting Sester onboard, at least temporarily.

Argus said, "This will not be permanent. And I have conditions on your staying on the ship."

Sester inclined his head in acceptance. "It's your ship. I will abide by your rules." He suppressed a smile. Once he understood what Argus's weakness was, it had been too easy.

* * *

Avon looked up at the glare of the lights overhead. His mind was confused for a moment; there was something not right about what he was seeing, but he couldn't identify what it was. The confusion soon passed. It was all too familiar: the depressing gray walls, the hard metallic surface of the sleep platform, the menacing lights which were always too bright and the coldness which penetrated into his bones and made him shiver. And the pain. The ever-present, familiar, almost comforting pain; the only indication that he was still alive.

The door to the cell slid open. Avon struggled up to a sitting position; his shackled hands hampering more than helping. He would face his tormenters with the only thing they had left him, the arrogant defiance they had never been able to wipe from his face. _Who will it be this time? _He didn't know why he bothered to wonder anymore. It was always the same. The only time he was safe was when the door stayed closed.

A woman walked through the entrance. _Servalan. _Avon leaned back tiredly against the cell wall. He gazed at her impassively as she approached. She stood looking down at him; the poised and beautiful snake and her bound and helpless victim. This woman had the power of life and death over him; the power of pain and control. And he hated her.

"You look terrible, Avon," she said pleasantly.

He didn't respond and only continued staring at her.

She smiled and asked, "Is it going to be one of _those_ conversations?"

"I don't know, is it?" he responded in a weary and disinterested tone. His eyes carried a dead emptiness; when he stared, it was no longer with disturbing intensity but a mesmerizing spiral into nothingness. What semblance of a life he had before, no longer existed; replaced by a futilely defiant wait for the end.

"That's better," she said in a pleased tone.

"The answer is no, Servalan." His manner was hard and gave nothing away.

"I haven't asked you anything yet." She was still speaking with an air of civility.

"The answer is still, no. It will always be no. Now either get to the torture or leave me alone." There was no energy in Avon's tone. Just a statement of fact.

"They tell me that you still refuse to tell us what we want to know," she said to him.

Avon was wracked by a painful cough. The pain in his ribs made it difficult to breathe. When it passed, he leaned back against the wall again.

He told her, "You should save yourself the aggravation and just kill me. I will never cooperate with you."

Servalan smiled again. She said, "Speaking of collaborations, do you remember, I said once that I considered you a future friend?"

Avon's lips curled in a half-snarl, half-sarcastic smile. "You should have yourself checked for delusional tendencies, Servalan. That will never happen."

"Oh, Avon. Something is only a delusion, if it doesn't happen. I have the power to _make_ things happen. You should know that by now."

"Save your breath. Your _power_ to _gloat_ doesn't impress me."

"There is one thing about you which _impress_es _me_," said Servalan.

"And what's that?"

"Your ability to drive away everyone who cared about you," she said in a voice that was smooth and crafty. "Or should I say, kill?" The civility was no longer civil.

Avon had a strong flash of guilt and anger, and then he controlled his reactions. Servalan was trying to bait him again. She knew that this was an area that made him vulnerable, that put him on the defensive. He was not going to give her that advantage. Avon glared at her and said, "Enough, Servalan. I'm tired of playing your games. I would rather be tortured, than to continue this conversation."

Servalan ignored him and said, "You still do have one friend, Avon. But it won't be much longer."

"What are you talking about?" he asked her with cold suspicion in his eyes.

"You will know soon enough. When he's ready. We're preparing him for you."

"Who are you preparing?" he asked her.

"Vila."

"Vila?" Avon asked, reacting in surprise before he could stop himself. "I thought you said he was dead?" The dark emptiness had a spark of life still.

"You should know better than to believe me, Avon. It was convenient for me to have you believe that he died. Now it is convenient for me to have you know the truth."

Avon didn't understand why, but news that Vila was still alive took some of the bleakness away. His mind race as he thought of the implications of what Servalan was saying. _Maybe the others are still alive too._

"The others _are_ dead," said Servalan. "In case you were wondering."

"I don't believe you." Avon felt very tired. The concentration required to battle this dangerous woman always drained what little energy he had.

"I don't blame you. I have all the power. You have none. I could say anything and you would never know if I was telling the truth. But for what it's worth, I _am_ telling you the truth this time. The others all died on Gauda Prime; everyone except you and Vila. I have a very special use planned for Vila. That is the only reason why he has been kept alive. In a way, he has you to thank for that."

"Does this indecent bout of truth extend to telling me what that reason is?"

"Vila is of great value to me because he is the only friend you have left. I am going to take that friendship away from you."

"What are you saying?" Avon's voice raised in anger. The unaccustomed emotion surprised him; for months he had felt nothing but hatred, pain and loneliness. This was anger still, but an anger that had it's source in an unreasonable hope; that he was not alone. Not since the day he found Anna did someone else's existence mean so much to him; not since the day he stood in shock over the body of a friend he had just killed in error.

"You know what I'm saying. I am going to leave you with nothing, Avon. I will make Vila hate you. The sight of you will make him want to kill you. And then I will allow him to escape so that he will turn everyone against you. Those who aren't against you already, that is. They all know you killed Blake, you see."

"You made sure they knew."

"Of course."

"You will never condition Vila to do that. He is resistant to conditioning."

Servalan said with a derisive sneer on her lips, "You mean those pathetic attempts at conditioning they use for the Deltas?"

"Yes. They were never able to stop him from stealing."

Servalan laughed. "Does it make any sense to you that someone with a will as weak as Vila's, would be able to resist _any_ kind of conditioning?"

"Then why were they never successful at stopping him from stealing?"

"You're assuming that the conditioning was to stop him from stealing."

"If not that, then what else?" asked Avon.

"What is required from all Deltas in the Federation? Mindless obedience to and fear of authority figures, of course. To let people better than they are, do their thinking for them. Unfortunately, Vila escaped before his conditioning program was completed. They tend to do them in bulk groupings for the Deltas in the rehabilitation facilities. It was easy for them to lose track of someone as slippery as Vila is and who has a penchant for getting out of tight places."

Avon felt a pang of guilt and a growing anger. _Conditioned. _He had often accused Vila of being easily led. Now it seemed that part of the way he viewed Vila had been based on a lie. He wanted to laugh at the irony of another relationship built on falsehoods, but the only thing he felt was a deep sense of failure and regret. There was a look of pain in his eyes.

"Why did Vila think he was being conditioned against stealing?" he asked, still not quite believing her.

"I'm surprised at you, Avon. The answer should be obvious. That was part of the conditioning. Vila _assumed_ afterwards that he was being conditioned against stealing. That would be a logical assumption for someone who has no sense of _scope_. A typical limitation of the Delta mind."

"He is _not_ a Delta," said Avon angrily. For some reason, he felt the need to defend Vila against Servalan.

"I know. I did say that Vila told the interrogators everything. Including the part where he bought a Delta rating to avoid military service. They were able to verify that, by the way."

"So he _was_ an Alpha?"

"Oh, Avon. Did you _want_ to believe that? Of course, he wasn't. What a notion. What grades are required to do compulsory military service? It's not the Alphas. Not us. We're too valuable."

Avon nodded in understanding. "The Beta and Gamma-grades."

"Vila was born a Beta. But he had the _limitation_ of a labour grade education."

Avon didn't care what Servalan was saying anymore. All he could think of was that Vila was still alive, and it made him feel less alone.

"You're going to let him go?" he asked her. Avon knew that he no longer had a chance; Servalan was never going to let him go. The only thing he could hope for was a quick death when she was finally finished with him. But somehow, knowing that Vila would have a chance, made things easier to bear now. He was glad that at least one person would be able to escape this nightmare. _Even if you are going to be used against me. At least you'll be free. Do a good job, Vila. Don't be lazy. Or they'll take you back. _

"Not yet. He has another purpose to fulfill for me first." The smile she gave him sent chills down Avon's spine.

Chapter Ten

"Do you remember this man, Avon?" Servalan was holding up a small holo-cube which projected a picture of a man. A fat, balding unpleasant-looking man with the look of madness in his eyes. Avon's lips curled in distaste, he recognized him alright.

"Egrorian. You used him to try to trap me."

"Yes. And it almost worked," said Servalan.

"You tried to kill me," said Avon dispassionately, as if it was an everyday occurrence; which of course, it had been for those months before Gauda Prime. Servalan's obsession with using and killing him, matched his own hatred for and obsession with killing her.

"I never tried to kill you, Avon. That was never my intent."

Avon was about to demand what her intentions were, because from his perspective, she had done a very good job of trying to kill him; when she said, "But you did try to kill Vila."

Avon couldn't believe his ears. "What are you talking about? I never tried to kill Vila. What reason would I have to do that?"

"But you did, Avon."

"You're being delusional again. You really should get that examined by a professional."

Servalan smiled. "No delusions. I told you that I have the power to make anything happen. When I am finished with you, you will _know_ that you tried to kill Vila."

"You're dreaming Servalan."

"You think so? Vila already believes it."

"No. That's not possible. We may despise each other, but Vila _knows_ he's safe with me."

"You're the one dreaming if you continue to hang onto that delusion, Avon. I told you that I would make Vila hate you. It was actually much easier than we thought. You have a very flawed way in relating with people. I find it endearing. You have a complete inability to express that you care about someone. Even after all the things you've done for Vila, he still doesn't know if you did it because you care or for some obscure reason which only benefits you. I think he actually wanted to believe it. But you don't make it easy for anyone, do you? In a way, you did this to yourself."

"Don't try to psychoanalyze me, Servalan. You're…"

"I'm not very good at it?" she asked, interrupting him. "I believe you've said that before. But we've both proven that is not true. I am _very_ good at analyzing you. Vila is almost ready but we're going to need your help in completing his conditioning."

"I will never help you."

"You don't have to _do_ anything. All you have to do is stand. Get up, Avon. If you don't, you know that it will be even worse for you. Do you really want to test how cruel I can be?"

Avon got up slowly off the sleep platform; every movement brought fresh agonies. There was an unpleasant scowl on his face. He stood swaying on unsteady feet.

Servalan smiled and went over to the door. She used her wrist comm and said, "Bring him in."

The door slid open. _Vila._

"Hello, Avon," said Vila cheerfully as he stepped into the cell. Two familiar interrogators and a criminotherapist came in behind him and stood off to the side, watching.

"Vila." Avon never thought he would be as glad to see anyone but he kept his face neutral. Servalan was much too interested in their interaction. She was watching them intently from the doorway.

"You look terrible," said Vila.

"You still haven't lost your knack for stating the obvious," said Avon. The ease at which they had slipped back into their old behaviour patterns was comforting.

"And you still haven't lost your _gift_ for being a _murdering bastard_!" Vila suddenly crossed the distance between them, grabbed Avon by the collar and slammed him against the cell wall. "How does it feel to be _helpless_, Avon?"

_Vila! No!_ Avon realized with shock that Servalan was not lying. The look in Vila's eyes told him, there was a deep hatred there. Vila slapped him across the face.

Vila was about to strike him again but Avon intercepted his hand. He leaned forward and whispered, trying to break through the other man's hatred; without letting Servalan or her underlings know what he was trying to do. "Vila. Remember. You're always safe with me."

"Safe? I used to think so." Vila yanked his hand away from Avon and punched him in the stomach. "But I was a fool, wasn't I? We were all fools to trust you." Avon doubled over in pain and started wheezing. Vila pulled him up to face him again. "I want you to know what it feels like to be helpless, Avon. Really helpless." Vila hit him again. "Hiding in a _shaft_ knowing your _friend_ was trying to _kill_ you!" Vila continued hitting him, knocking Avon's hand away when he tried to protect himself.

The fury of Vila's hatred shocked Avon, even though he had been expecting this, even though Servalan had warned him. He had not wanted to believe it; had not understood the full impact of what it meant to have Vila hate him. His mind knew that it was a lie; that this was something Servalan had done. But seeing the deep loathing in Vila's eyes; it was as if Avon had found and lost a friend again.

The knowledge that Vila and the others were dead had brought an empty irony to a life he no longer valued. The knowledge that Vila hated his very presence, ripped open emotions he thought he no longer had. It was shattering to feel again. Even more devastating because Servalan had been right, he had helped make this possible.

Avon was barely standing now. If Vila had not been holding onto him, he would have fallen. Through a haze of pain, Avon remembered a saying Cally had once told him; it was an Auron curse. _May you die alone and with no one to mourn your passing._

_Cally_. She was another one of the greatest regrets of his life._ Too many regrets._

"Why don't you say something, Avon?" said Vila sarcastically as he punched Avon in the face again, trying to get a reaction from him.

Blood streamed down like tears from a cut that had opened up on Avon's cheek. This was worse than what the interrogators did. Looking into the eyes of someone he had considered a friend, and seeing nothing reflected back but hatred, affected him in a way that no amount of torture and drugs had been able to. He fought the sense of growing anguish as Vila continued to strike him relentlessly, not caring that Avon could barely breathe now.

Servalan finally spoke, "Enough, Vila."

Vila smiled and kneed Avon in the groin before letting him go. Avon gasped in agony and crumpled to the ground.

Servalan said, "You may go, Vila. You've done a very good job. Did you enjoy that?"

"Yes. When can I do it again?" There was a look of triumph on his face as he looked down on the man who was moaning and gasping on the ground.

"Soon. Vila. But we have to let Avon recover for now. Trust me; it will be more fun when he's had some rest. You should go get some rest too."

"Alright," said Vila with disappointment on his face as the interrogators led him out.

Servalan knelt down after Vila and the others left. Avon was still breathing in painful gasps. She put her hand on his head and stroked his hair. "Breathe, Avon. Just relax and breathe. The med-techs will be coming soon," she tried to comfort him.

He tried to brush her hand away but she grabbed and held onto his hand. "You should have believed me. Everyone can be made to betray you in the end," she told him. "You of all people should know that.

When Avon's breathing was less pained, he looked up at her and said angrily, "_You_ did this to him."

"No. Avon. You did this. You tried to kill him. Don't you remember?"

"No!" Avon grabbed for her throat. Servalan twisted the wrist of the hand she was still holding. Avon cried out in pain and reached for his wrist instead. She let go of him. Avon held his sore wrist and glared at her. "You will never make me believe that I tried to kill Vila."

"We shall see," said Servalan. At that moment, the door slid open and several med-techs and guards entered.

* * *

Sester returned to his observer craft. He sat for a few moments while he formulated a strategy. He had no intention of endangering his life or his career, but if he could help Avon, he would. Sester setup the communications channel to contact Servalan. After the usual complications that long range communications required, he finally got through.

"Madame President. I have good news."

"Oh?" she asked casually. Servalan's manner may not have conveyed any sense of interest but Sester knew that was not the case. It never was where Avon was concerned.

"Yes. Your _faith_ in me was not misplaced."

"You've placed yourself onboard the ship?" she asked.

"In a manner of speaking."

She studied him speculatively from across the distance of space. "And you made contact to tell me the _price_ of that success?"

The corners of Sester's mouth lifted in amusement. "You know, Madame President, _psychostrategists_ are the ones who are supposed to make leaps of logic. We are not the ones who are supposed to be transparent. Either that, or I must be slipping."

"I understand becoming _personally_ involved tends to have that effect on a psychostregist," she said smoothly. "This is why it is avoided at _all_ costs."

It was Sester's turn to study her image on the screen._ So you are not hiding the reason why you insisted on sending me as the liaison. _Sester was very aware of this weakness he had given himself; but he was certain that with his own abilities, he would always be able to compensate when he needed to. For the moment it was an enjoyable diversion. He hadn't had one like this in a long time.

"Then you must know that my usefulness is impaired under these circumstances," he told her, continuing the game.

"It depends on your definition of useful," she said with her distinctively superior tone.

"You mean _your_ definition of useful," countered Sester. Servalan was not using any subtlety here.

"Isn't that the only definition which counts?"

_Well, now that you've gotten that out of your system, it's time to get what I want,_ thought Sester_._

Sester wondered when she had found out about his relationship with Reya. He recognized that pushing him was too simple a motivation for the Federation President. Her plans were always much more devious. He wondered what her interest in Argus was and what that had to do with Avon. Sester knew that for the Federation President, all roads eventually led to Avon. She was obsessed with him.

_Time to deal with the main agenda._ He knew he had to approach this very carefully. What he was after would help Avon a great deal but he doubted if Servalan would agree at first. Not unless he _helped_ her to see that Avon needed it. "You know why Avon is here," he began.

"You indicated that in your last report. He's been having difficulties." When Servalan spoke about Avon, her face always became less cold and slightly more animated. If you looked closely, she did a good impression of a concerned snake.

"Yes. His memory blocks have started to break down. All of them. He is barely functional at the moment. They're afraid that he will either go mad or slip into a coma he will never come out of."

"The fools. Did they stop all of the drugs?"

"Most of them. They obviously didn't know how dangerous that would be for him."

Servalan shook her head in annoyance. "Even _after_ the files _you_ provided to them?"

"I don't think they understood the full implications. They only have a field medic onboard, not a psych specialist."

"They should have looked for one." Servalan wondered if she should have also made sure the crew had the right specialists onboard. Obviously having a bodyguard was not enough. _Argus should know better. Must I do everything myself? Perhaps it's time for another lesson._

Sester said, "It's not a simple matter of looking for one, Madame President. It's a matter of not knowing who they can trust. After finding out that Professor Tarkson was working for you, they couldn't afford to _trust_ anyone."

"I hope you're not suggesting that this is _my_ fault?" said Servalan. Her eyes were hard.

"It's not something you could have avoided. It's the price of success," said Sester. "Avon respects your ability to trap him. He refuses to make it easier for you. They were fortunate to have found the healer in the Athol Territories. He seems to have some skill in this area."

"But?" she asked, knowing that Sester had more to tell her.

"You know what they did to him at the Detention Centre. What _you_ had done to him. The things I am not privy to. Even Garett will not be able to help stave off the inevitable descent into madness. He needs help. He requires certain equipment which no one has access to except those who have a very special mandate in the Federation."

"What equipment are you referring to?" For a moment, Servalan thought that Sester was going to ask for access to the files which were being kept from him. Sester's news troubled her deeply. She knew _all_ of the things which had been done to Avon; things even she had been horrified by. She had even tried to fix some of the damage which had been done. But the knowledge that all of the memory blocks were breaking down made her afraid for Avon. More than anyone else, she knew what things Avon had been made to forget.

* * *

Cally sat worriedly by Avon's bed. He was moving restlessly in sleep, his brow was damp with sweat. Several machines surrounded his head, taking readings of the activity going on in his mind. Occasionally he cried out in pain. At the moment he was curled up on the bed, his arms crossed protectively across his chest. Occasionally he would shake his head from side to side.

She had been trying to reach him with her psi abilities, trying to break through to where his mind was trapped but had been unsuccessful. She did not understand the things she was sensing from him. There was no longer that deep sense of loneliness anymore but there was a growing emotional pain and it was getting worse. She had never felt emotions from him this strongly before except when he was angry or afraid. There had been one other time, but she didn't want to think about that.

Garett was deep in conversation with Argus when they entered the medical unit. They both came over to where Avon lay.

Cally got up and faced them, saying, "I don't understand why you won't let me give him the drugs. They are supposed to prevent this sort of thing from happening. He's so deeply into the nightmares now that he can't wake up. And I haven't been able to reach him."

"The drugs won't do him any good," Garett told her.

"They always have before," said Cally.

"You don't understand, Cally. These are not nightmares he's experiencing."

"Then what are they?"

Garett gestured to one of the technicians who were monitoring the readings from the various machines. The man turned one of the monitors around to face them. Garett pointed at one of the wave patterns. "You see these readings? They're not indicative of dream activity. He's actually accessing memories which were previously blocked off before. He's reliving the past."

Cally absorbed this information. "You mean the memory blocks? They're starting to break down?"

"Yes. A significant number of them. That is why he's been having the collapses. There are too many for his mind to handle. It shuts down in order to protect itself, otherwise he would go mad."

"Then that's even more reason to try to bring him out of it now," said Cally.

Garett shook his head. "This time it's different. His mind seems to be only accessing one specific set of memories. As long as it stays that way, then he won't be overwhelmed."

"But he's in trouble, I can sense it," said Cally. As she was speaking to them, Avon's mind was a constant presence at the edge of her consciousness. She could feel how tired he was; not just physically tired.

"Yes. I suspect that memories he is experiencing now were traumatic for him," said Garett.

"You were explaining why the blocks are starting to break down," said Argus, continuing the conversation they were having as they entered the medical unit.

"Yes. As I was saying before, a healthy human mind actually maintains the blocks. That is the way they were designed to work. As long as the mind is functioning properly, the blocks are maintained."

"But Avon's mind isn't." There was an unreadable expression on Argus's face as he said this.

At that moment, Avon cried out in agony again. They all looked down at him; each one experiencing their own helplessness in the face of someone else's pain. Cally bent down and touched Avon's head, trying to project comfort and reassurance to him; hoping that on some level, he would be aware that she was there for him.

After Avon seemed to settle down again, Garett said, "Avon's mind hasn't been healthy in a long time."

Cally asked, "But I don't understand. His mind must have started to break down while he was at the Detention Centre. And he's been back with us for months. Why didn't he experience these problems before?"

Garett looked at her sadly. "My guess is that he did, long before he was rescued. I took a look again at the list of drugs which were found in his system when you rescued him. They must have known what they were doing to his mind. Some of the drugs they gave him helped him to maintain the blocks."

"And after he came back?" Argus asked.

"Well, that's because of Avon. His control and strength of mind is unusually strong. He's been able to hold it back until now. Was there a period when he was not receiving the current drugs you've been giving him?"

Cally reacted, "Yes. When we were trapped on Papos. We didn't have access to them."

Garett nodded. "Yes, that's what I thought. They're not as good as the other ones but they would have helped. When Avon was without them for an extended period of time, the blocks began deteriorating. You must start him on those other drugs again along with these ones. But he will still have a problem. Some of the blocks have deteriorated to the point that no amount of drugs will help."

"You said that something is different now?" asked Argus.

"Yes. His mind is now focused on one set of memories. It was most likely triggered by what happened with Vila."

"How is Vila?" asked Argus.

"I've been able to talk with him. He still seems confused by what happened. He's not able to remember specific details. I was going to talk with him again later."

"I'd like to be there with you," said Argus.

"Fine. The special machines will be arriving in a few days. They should be able to help," said Garett.

"Which machines are these?" asked Argus.

Garett had a confused look on his face. "You don't know? I thought you asked for them."

"No. I have no idea what you're talking about." Argus was just as confused about what Garett was referring to.

"The special imaging chambers," said Garett. "The ones used by the Federation criminotherapists."

"I still don't know what you're talking about. Why would I ask for them? They're highly classified. No one has access to them outside of Central Security. W"

Garett gave him a puzzled look, "The psychostrategist, Sester. He said that you wanted them so he arranged for them to be transported here."

"Sester?" asked Cally with surprise. "You asked him for help?" She turned to Argus.

Argus had a thoughtful look on his face. "I did. But I didn't realize he was going to do this. How will these machines help?" he asked Garett.

"In order to deal with the memories which have broken down beyond the ability of the drugs to control, Avon will have to process each of them. The best way is to do what he is doing now. Deal with each one separately. There is no way to control or monitor them, but I believe that the imaging machines might be able to help facilitate that."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Eleven

After having a private evening meal in his suite, Sester was now headed towards the medical unit. Soft panel lights illuminated the grey-stoned hallways. All was quiet.

As he neared his destination, Sester saw a familiar solid shape coming towards him. Argus always seemed to be barrelling at him at full speed, with every indication of knocking him over. Sester continued walking towards him at a nonchalant pace. Having reacted out of guilt the last time, and thereby putting himself at an instant disadvantage, Sester refused to be on the defensive again.

Argus stopped abruptly in front of him, causing Sester to halt, or he would bump into the man. The psychostrategist guessed that running into Argus would be like hitting a solid metal wall; painful and therefore something to be avoided at all costs.

"Explain," demanded Argus. The man obviously expected that Sester would know what he was talking about, without having to give any details himself. Sester didn't have to guess though, he had been expecting this. One of the reasons, he had been keeping to himself was to force Argus to come to him.

"I'm just keeping my promise," Sester replied. "No need to thank me," he added with a grin calculated to irritate.

"I never had any intention of _thanking_ you," snarled Argus. "You were _supposed_ to find out information to help Avon and Vila. I never asked for the imaging chambers."

"I assumed that the _primary_ purpose was to _help_ Avon and Vila. This will be of more use than information from a source you would not trust. This way, you can discover the truth for yourself."

Argus looked at him rebelliously, trying to find any fault with what Sester had just said, but he couldn't. Sester was right. Any information which came from Servalan or the psychostrategist had to be regarded with a high degree of scepticism; just out of self-defence.

Sester continued while Argus glared at him, "Along with the imaging chambers, I am also having several drugs delivered. Your people were very precipitous in having most of them discontinued. Didn't you read _all_ of the files I gave you? It's no wonder he's been having problems."

Argus said accusingly, "If it wasn't for you and Servalan, he wouldn't be having _any_ problems."

"Dwelling on the past will not help Avon now," said Sester.

Argus really wanted to find fault with what Sester was saying. He had been spoiling for a fight since finding out that the psychostrategist was here. Argus let out a forceful breath; he knew that Reya would not be happy if she found out that he had pounded Sester. But for some reason, Sester's very presence set him on edge. Something told him that this man was up to no good. His danger sense was always in overdrive when Sester was around. "What are you doing here?" he asked instead.

"I'm here to see how Avon is doing. And talk to Garett and Cally before the imaging chambers arrive tomorrow." Sester had also been trying to avoid Argus and Reya, but he was not about to tell him that.

"Come with me," said Argus abruptly. He turned on his heels and went back into the medical unit, without waiting to see if Sester was following.

In the medical unit, Cally, as usual, was by Avon's side. The healer's assistants had set up a bed for her next to him so that she could rest more comfortably. She was talking softly to Garett as Argus and Sester came in. Avon seemed to be sleeping a little easier now, though he still moaned occasionally.

"What is he doing here?" asked Cally in an unfriendly voice.

"He says he wants to talk to you and the Healer about the machines coming tomorrow," said Argus.

She addressed Sester, "It's about time. What did Servalan do to Avon?" Her voice was like sharpened steel. Argus had never heard this quality in her voice before. He had not thought she was capable of it.

Sester almost winced; he replied, "Honestly, Cally. I don't know. It's not something Sevalan will tell me. But the imaging machines should be able to help."

"How?" she asked with naked suspicion.

He explained to them the capabilities of the imaging chambers and said, "They're normally used to implant memories but they also are able to read them; and project them so that they are visible. You should be able to see where in his memories he is and to influence them to some extent. Help guide him if he begins being overwhelmed."

"These are dangerous machines," said Argus, not liking what he was hearing. "If they're able to do what you say, then nothing is safe from the Federation interrogators. If they can access anyone's memories, then they can obtain everything."

"Technically, yes. But in reality, they can only access event-level memories that reside at the near-conscious level. Information such as scientific formulae and detailed technical information are too complex for the machines to pick up. They can also be blocked to some extent, by a mind that is strong and disciplined. That is why the machines are usually only used to implant memories, not extract them. I suggest using it on Vila first. That way you can familiarize yourself with the machine's capabilities."

Argus said, "Vila's not going to like that."

"If he wants to break through his own memory blocks, then this is the only controlled way to help facilitate it."

Vila was still under observation in one of the smaller rooms. He was immediately against what was being proposed.

"No way! There's no way you're going to hook me up to some Federation mind bending machine," said Vila. "Look what it did to Avon."

Argus sighed; he knew this was going to be difficult. "But this is may be the only way you will be able to find out what really happened. Do you _want_ to go through the rest of your life being afraid of small, dark places?"

"I've had that fear all my life. A few more decades won't make much of a difference. I'll just stay away from small, dark places," said Vila.

"And what about Avon? This memory concerns both of you. Don't you want to resolve it? For both your sakes?"

Vila looked down and fell silent while Argus gave him time to think. The child in Vila feared the small, dark places; the adult in him had a much greater fear.

After awhile, Vila said in a quiet voice, "Truth is I'm afraid. I'm not sure if I want to find out. It may be better for all of us if we don't."

"Do you have so little faith in Avon?" Argus asked. Unlike his gut-feelings about Sester, Argus had the opposite instinct about Avon.

"I don't know. I used to have faith in him. Sort of. We could always depend on him to save us. And then this happened. And everything changed. I'd _like_ to believe that it was different. But…" Vila fell silent. There was anguish and uncertainly on his face; and an ever-present fear.

Argus said in wry understanding, "He doesn't make it easy, does he?"

"He never makes anything easy," said Vila.

"Avon would want to know," said Argus.

"He always wants to know everything," said Vila.

"What if it didn't happen the way you remembered, Vila? What if it was all a lie perpetrated by Servalan? Remember that she tried to make you believe that Avon had betrayed all of you at Gauda Prime."

Vila lifted his head. There was part hope, part fear and part uncertainty in his eyes. "That's right. She did. Could it be possible? Maybe what happened was something good? She wouldn't want us to remember that." His face began to take on an angry expression. "If she did, then she tried to take everything away from him."

Argus felt uncomfortable. He still had to deal with this woman, he couldn't kill her yet. He said adamantly, "If that's what happened, then we'll deal with her. She won't get away with it. _I_ won't let her get away with it."

Cally, Argus, Reya and Sester watched with curiosity as the equipment was turned on, Vila was readied and a large flex screen was placed into a better position for viewing. The imaging chamber had been placed in a large room adjacent to the medical unit.

"Wouldn't it be better if we did this tomorrow?" asked Vila as the technicians strapped him to a bio-bed.

"It's already tomorrow," said Argus dryly. "You've been saying that since yesterday."

"Don't be nervous, Vila. Sester assures me that this is not a painful process," said Cally.

The technicians slid Vila into place in the chamber. As his head passed the enclosing unit and he could no longer see the others, he said nervously, "And you believe him?"

"It won't hurt," reassured Sester. He added, "At least, not physically."

Cally looked sharply at him. He shrugged, "It depends on the memories he will be accessing. We can assume that they will be difficult ones for him. Otherwise you wouldn't need the imaging chamber."

Healer Garett switched on the comm mike used to communicate with Vila in the imaging chamber, said, "Just relax, Vila."

They could all hear Vila's response on an audio speaker, "That's easy for you to say. Did I say that I don't like enclosed, dark places?"

Garett replied, "It's not dark. It should be well-illuminated in there."

"Oh. Yes. Uh, can we hurry up with this? Or maybe not do this at all?" They could hear his increasing nervousness.

"Remember why you're doing this, Vila," said Cally.

There was no reply to this from inside the chamber.

"Vila? Are you alright?" asked Cally.

"I wouldn't be here if I were," said Vila. "Avon and I wouldn't have to do this if everything was alright. Cally?"

"Yes, Vila?"

There was a pause. "Nothing. Just do it quick will you?"

Argus said to Garett, "You heard him."

Garett signalled his technicians. The control panel lights changed colours as the healer's assistants began to enter in a sequence of codes. "Start the drug flow." He had a running commentary to explain what he was doing. "The drugs will encourage his mind to enter the first stage of unconsciousness. That state between waking and sleeping."

Using the comm, Garett said, "Now, Vila. We're going to start on something simple. Just so that we can all get used to the operation of the chamber. I want you to close your eyes and remember what you had for breakfast this morning."

They could all hear a sleepy voice reply, "Didn't have breakfast. Couldn't eat."

"Alright, Vila. I want you to remember what you did after you woke up this morning."

"Right," was the dreamy response.

On the large screen, there was darkness and then images began to focus to that of Vila's observation room. The view concentrated on the attendant sleeping in a chair. They could all hear light snoring coming from him. The view shifted towards the door.

"Why can't we see him?" asked Argus.

Garett looked up from the monitors and replied. "You are. Or rather, you're seeing out of Vila's eyes. You're seeing what he was looking at this morning when he woke up." They could observe Vila's hand push open the door. The image was moved along the corridor until it reached the entrance of the medical unit.

Garett and the technicians were excitedly working away at the control panel, matching the readings on their monitors with what they were all seeing on the screen.

Vila's hand pushed open the door a fraction until they could all see inside. Avon was lying on a bed and Cally sat beside him, holding his hand and looking worried. The image had stopped moving.

"He was watching Avon this morning?" Cally asked astonished. "I didn't even notice. I should have sensed it."

"You've been preoccupied lately," said Sester.

Cally gave him a look that said that she preferred if he kept any comments to himself. Sester took the unfriendliness in his stride. He knew that he had to get used to it; it was hardly likely to stop regardless of what he did to help.

"Alright. That's enough," said Garett. Using the comm, Garett instructed, "That's good, Vila. Just rest for a bit." The image on the screen faded.

He turned to Sester, "This is an excellent machine. The degree of monitoring allowable is quite impressive."

"Yes. Central Security has access to the most advanced technology," said Sester.

"No one has this technology," said Garett. "Not that I'm aware of. It's much more sophisticated than the mind-mapping machines. And I thought those were already top-line."

"For everyone else perhaps. But not where CS is concerned," replied Sester.

Argus wondered what else CS had, that no one else had access to.

Garett spoke into the comm again, "Now, Vila. I want you to remember the shaft on Pleasure City. The small and dark space you were in with Ture."

They could all see several readouts begin to spike upwards immediately. The image on the screen cleared. It was still dark, but they could make out that Vila was in a cramped and enclosed space. To one side they caught a partial glimpse of a body, a hand and a leg bent in an uncomfortable position. They could hear a voice, "Watch it, Vila." The screen image panned right and they could see Ture pushed painfully against a protruding energy regulator. He grimaced. "You keep doing that and I'll have to start over again."

Garett told Vila, "That's good, Vila. What are you feeling?"

Vila replied, "Scared. Trapped. There's something coming…" They could see the fear and stress levels increase on the monitors and heard his voice rising in alarm.

Garett reassured him while he signalled to the technicians, "It's alright, Vila. There's nothing to be afraid of."

Garett turned to the others and explained, "We're going to give him a drug which will counteract the chemicals in his body which stimulate a fear reaction. That way he can be encouraged to continue without the fear causing him to panic and lose control."

The Healer spoke into the comm mike again, "Now, Vila. I want you to follow those feelings and impressions back to when you had them the strongest; and I want you remember a period just before those feelings began."

"I'm scared," said Vila reluctantly. His voice was like a little child's now.

Garett told the technicians "Increase the suppressant." He reassured Vila, "It's going to be alright, Vila. Just keep listening to my voice. I won't let anything happen to you."

"Alright." Vila's voice was thin and sounded like a frightened child.

Instantly the image changed. They could see the face of a young man in bright location. It looked like the deck of a ship.

"That's Tarrant!" exclaimed Cally. The image panned around to reveal other faces.

"Do you remember this?" asked Argus.

Cally studied the moving images on the screen. "No. I don't know where this is. And I don't recognize the woman. This must have happened after they thought I was killed."

[ [ They all watched as Avon and Vila made their first trip down to Malodar to see Egrorian. Argus looked puzzled as Avon revealed that he had stowed a weapon onboard the shuttle.

The events continued to unfold. Avon and Vila came back onboard the Scorpio. Vila was telling the others about their meeting with Egrorian. The medical unit group all watched with amusement. Some of Vila's recollection of events and his explanation to the Scorpio crew afterwards were very funny.

One of the technicians caught Garett's attention. They could all see that some of the readings were changing. They all paid even more careful attention to what they were seeing. ] ]

On the screen, Avon and Tarrant entered the flight deck.

Avon said, "Orac is loaded, Vila, and we're ready to go."

The dark complexioned woman, Cally had identified as Dayna said, "Oh, Avon, is it really worth losing Orac for this new weapon?"

"It's not about the weapon," said Avon.

The woman whom they still did not know the name of asked, "I don't understand. Then why are we even here? Unless there's something you're not telling us." There was suspicion in the woman's eyes

Avon replied, "After Egrorian contacted us and specifically asked to meet _me_, I had ORAC do a little digging in the Central Security records. It made for some very interesting reading. After Egrorian vanished, they started finding the bodies. He was obsessed with power from his earliest days. He was at the center of a conspiracy to take over the Federation. There is also something very interesting about his assistant, Pinder. He was a mathematical prodigy. He was eighteen when he disappeared with Egrorian ... ten years ago. That should make him twenty-eight." He said that piece of information and then looked expectantly at Vila.

They could hear Vila's voice exclaim in shock, "But the man we saw…"

Avon's lips parted in the semblance of a smile. "He didn't look a day under seventy. Interesting, isn't it? Not quite the simple scientists they profess to be."

Vila's voice said, "Then what are we doing? Let's get out of here, Avon. Before he turns us all into old men too." The image panned to show Avon's face. "Or even older men."

Avon replied, "I don't see that we have a lot of choice. If we say no deal, Egrorian can destroy this ship faster than you can snap your fingers."

The unidentified woman said, "And how do you guarantee he won't anyway once you've delivered Orac?"

Avon replied, "Oh, we _know_ he will. It's very clear from his reputation that he can't be trusted."

Dayna said, "Then its suicide to go down there. _And_ he won't let you bring any guns."

"What are you up to, Avon?" asked Tarrant guardedly. "It's not like you to take this kind of risk without making some plans first. Care to tell us what they are?"

Avon said, "Just stay alert and keep in close orbit."

The view now shifted. Vila and Avon were seated next to each other in what appeared to be a shuttle.

Avon told Vila, "Somehow, some way, he is going to double-cross us."

Vila's voice replied, "Then let's not give him the chance."

"What's in your mind?"

Vila's voice said, "Hit first. We carry Orac in, then jump them. We break their necks, grab the tachyon funnel, and out." The view on the screen shifted to a side view of Avon.

Avon said, "He will have thought of that. We touch that thing before it's disconnected; it is liable to blow up in our faces."

Vila said, "Do you have any better ideas?"

Avon faced forward again and said, "Not at the moment."

Vila said, "Then start thinking. We touchdown in four minutes."

Avon looked at Vila briefly and got up. The image tracked him as he crossed over in front of the flight control station. He thought out loud, "The last time we landed, we came in on the ancillary pad. The main pad is on the other side of the dome."

Vila's voice said, "So? Nearly all these survival stations were designed with two pads."

Avon continued speaking, "But the main pad is more convenient. Especially when handling cargo."

Vila's voice asked, "What are you getting at?" They saw the view shift upwards as Vila stood and walked over to Avon.

Avon said, "I'm just wondering if the main pad is already occupied. That could account for the fact that we were directed to the ancillary."

Vila's voice replied, "Well, if it is, you won't see much. These things kick up far too much dust." They could no longer see Avon as they were both standing side-by-side now. Suddenly the view panned right to reveal Avon's side profile. Vila's voice said, "You're thinking of Servalan again.

There was a grim look on Avon's face as he said, "SHE is never far from my thoughts."

[ [ As the scene shifted again to Egrorian's base, Argus asked with a puzzled tone, "I thought that Avon and Vila didn't get along. They sound like they're working well together. This must be one of the memories implanted by Servalan."

"But why would she implant that?" asked Cally. "What purpose would that serve if she wanted to make Vila hate Avon?"

They continued watching as Avon and Vila obtained the tachyon funnel and returned to the shuttle. ] ]

They could hear Vila's voice say, as he faced the front screen of the shuttle, "Mach six and rising. Dammit, Avon, we've done it, we've done it!"

They heard Avon said in a pleased tone, "Yes, I really think we have!"

Vila's voice said, "I'd have given odds Egrorian'd try to pull something! What's the escape velocity of this thing?"

Avon replied, "I don't know. Why don't you ask Orac?"

The view suddenly shifted left as Vila looked at Avon. "Eh"

Avon could be seen reaching down beside him and opening a panel, revealing Orac.

[ [ The observers in the medical unit gasped in amazement. Argus muttered, "Very sneaky, Avon. As always." ] ]

Vila's voice asked, "So what was that we gave to Egrorian?"

Avon replied, "Orac mark two. Just a replica I made a few months back. Contingency planning, Vila, and the contingency arose."

Vila's voice said, "But the thing worked!"

Avon said, "Well enough to fool Egrorian, anyway. It was fitted with a voice box and a relay station, so that the real Orac could run it."

Vila's voice said, "You could have got us killed! Why didn't you tell me?"

Avon responded, "Well, I didn't want to make you nervous, Vila. I was nervous enough for the both of us."

[ [ A different voice spoke up. Argus and Cally both recognized it. ] ]

ORAC said, "The escape velocity of this vehicle is now confirmed at Mach fifteen." The scene lowered as both Avon and Vila went back to their flight seats. ORAC spoke again. "And unattainable."

The screen shifted to a view of ORAC.

Avon asked in a voice that was taught with tension, "What do you mean, 'Unattainable?'"

ORAC responded, "Mach fifteen is unattainable on the present flight configuration."

[ [ The scene seemed to jump again to a different time; but they were still in the shuttle. Vila appeared to be staring straight ahead at the shuttle screen. The screen seemed to be shaking, indicating that the shuttle was straining. ] ]

They heard Avon's voice, "What's the position now, Orac?"

ORAC responded, "Escape velocity still unattainable. Elapsed flight time: nine minutes. Remaining flight time: twelve minutes."

Vila's voice said in alarm, "Twelve minutes?"

Avon said, "Fuel!" At the corner of the screen they could see Avon's hands flick some switches.

[ [ Argus remarked, "He's dumping the excess fuel to lighten the shuttle." ] ]

The saw Avon again as Vila's voice said, "It's no good. We're not going to get out of this one. Egrorian set us up."

Avon asked angrily, his lips were tight, "Yes, but how? HOW did he do it?"

Avon and Vila were facing each other now as Vila said with fearful realization, "Avon, we're going to die."

ORAC told them, "Remaining flight time: ten minutes."

Vila's voice said, "And another five minutes before we hit. How do you spend your last fifteen minutes?"

Avon said in a voice behind Vila, "Working. Working like we have never worked before, Vila."

Vila turned to look at Avon and asked in a confused tone, "Eh?"

Avon voice was tight with stress and determination, "It's gravity that is holding us, right? We haven't enough engine power to lift us free. We must lighten the load somehow. We'll have to strip this shuttle down to its frame." Avon's hand grabbed Vila by the arm and pulled him up. He said, "Come on!"

Vila asked as he stood to face him, "Where do we start?"

Avon said, "You start in the cargo hold, I'll start up here. We have to jettison every last nut and bolt. NOW, VILA!"

They could see the screen move faster as Vila ran to follow Avon's instructions. For the next few minutes, they saw Vila down in the cargo hold, grabbing random objects, throwing them into the airlock and jettisoning them.

Vila rushed back to the flight deck of the shuttle in time to hear Avon ask, ""What's the position now, Orac?"

ORAC responded, "Remaining flight time: five minutes and forty seconds."

Avon asked, "How much more weight must we lose before we can achieve escape velocity?"

ORAC replied, "Seventy kilos, Avon."

They could see the tension in Avon's face as he said, "Only seventy kilos... Vila, strip off the insulation material in the cargo hold." The screen shifted as Vila turned to exit again. They heard Avon's voice shouting, ""Vila!" Avon handed a small cart to Vila, who took it.

Vila whined, "But that's plastic. It weighs nothing."

Avon said, "Get rid of it anyway."

Vila said, "A kilo and a half if we're lucky."

Avon said in the hard and determined voice of a man who refused to give up, "Do it! We've got five minutes." The screen turned as Vila headed towards the door again. They could hear Avon's voice behind him, "Not enough! Not nearly enough! Dammit, what weighs seventy kilos?"

[ [ They all saw the door opening and Vila stepping past it. ] ]

Just as the door closed, they could all hear ORAC saying, "Vila weighs seventy-three kilos, Avon." For a moment the screen seemed to pause. Then they saw it move quickly, and Vila's hands rung-over-rung as he descended the ladder to the cargo area. They all watched in shock as Vila dropped the object Avon had given him, and then he hid.

[ [ "Avon tried to kill Vila to save his own life?" asked Argus in shock.

Cally said, "That can't be. That must be Servalan's doing. That must be what she tried to implant into Vila to make him hate Avon."

They all watched in horrified fascination as Vila curled up in the shaft. Avon's stressed and determined voice could be heard calling out to Vila. ] ]

"Vila. Where _are_ you? I _know_ how they did it. I _found what they hid onboard_. They must have used an automatic loader. But it's too large for me to move. I _need_ your help. Vila. WHERE ARE YOU?"

After a few moments, a panel slid open and light flooded into the crawlspace where Vila was hiding.

Avon's cold voice said, "Come out, Vila. And keep your hands where I can see them."

They could all see that Vila was not moving.

"Don't make me come after you," Avon's voice was icy and menacing.

They all saw the screen move slowly towards the opening. As Vila left the crawlspace, they could see Avon standing there with a gun in his hand.

"Avon. Can't we talk about this?" Vila pleaded desperately. "You said that you found something. We could move it together!"

"I lied," said Avon. There was no expression on his face, only an unreadable darkness in his eyes.

[ [ That darkness sent a chill down the spines of everyone in the medical unit. It didn't seem _human_. ] ]

"There is only one chance for survival. And I'm going to take it. Move towards the airlock, Vila," Avon gestured with his gun.

They could hear the fear in Vila's voice as he backed away slowly, "Why should I? You're only going to kill me."

"Yes. But do you want to die a quick death? Or do you want to be alive when I activate the airlock? The choice is yours." Avon's lips had tightened in determination.

They could see the viewscreen image start to move slowly and as Vila backed away into the airlock. Avon stood in the doorway, his gun pointed at Vila. "Don't move, Vila. It will be easier for you, if you don't."

[ [ "I can't watch this anymore," said Cally, turning away. Argus put his arm around her to comfort her. ] ]

They could see the whole scene shake abruptly. The viewscreen moved to reflect Vila's confusion. Avon looked around perplexed, and then his eyes widened and he said, "ORAC must have landed the shuttle!"

Chapter Twelve

Everyone in the medical unit continued watching the flex screen and Vila's terrible memories. The scene now showed the flight deck of the shuttle. It was deathly quiet as Avon and Vila sat side-by-side, waiting for the Scorpio to pick them up. The flex screen was focused on Avon most of the time. Avon did not once face them. The only talking they engaged in concerned the docking operation with the Scorpio. The view on the screen faced forward again and they saw the ship coming in for a landing.

Back onboard the Scorpio, Avon emotionlessly recounted the events down on Malodar and in the shuttle. The screen was focused on Avon again, this time Avon was speaking and staring straight at the screen. The people in the medical unit noticed, in the periphery, that the other members of the Scorpio crew were glancing at each other. They were obviously noticing something wrong between the two men, but it was hard to tell as the observers could not see Vila's face. It was not hard to imagine though; the looks of anger and hatred which Vila must have had.

They all heard Tarrant asking Avon, "So ORAC saved the day? And what were the two of you doing?"

Avon gave Vila a hard and challenging look, "We were trying to lighten the ship. But fortunately it wasn't necessary."

Tarrant said, "Pity about the tachyon tunnel though."

Avon did not take his eyes off Vila's as he said, "_We_ had no choice."

Vila's voice said, "It's a trip I won't forget, Avon."

Avon said with a snarl, "Well, as you always say, Vila: you know you are safe with ME."

The images on the screen faded to black. They all continued staring at it, dumbfounded.

Garett cleared his throat and used the comm mike, "That's good, Vila. You can rest now."

He instructed his assistants, "Shut the chamber down and bring him around."

Everyone else was avoiding looking at each other. No one wanted to be the next one to break the silence. They all watched as the assistants entered the chamber to release Vila.

Finally Reya said, "That was horrible."

"It can't be true," said Cally, refusing to believe it. "It must be the memories Servalan had implanted."

"It sounded like Avon. But I don't believe it either," said Argus. "It has to be Servalan's doing."

"There are some things which do not make sense," said Sester. They all turned to look at him. He explained. "First of all, the gun."

Argus interjected, "Yes. I was wondering that myself. Why would Avon hide a gun onboard the shuttle? Vila was right, if he needed it, they would have to run all the way back to the landing pad, get the gun, then run all the way back to the biodome; which has a weapons' scanner. And Egrorian warned them what he would do if they crossed him. It's useless bringing a weapon. Why would Avon have done that? It's doesn't make any sense."

Sester said, "Agreed. It is not logical. The next point is, why didn't _Avon_ think to land the shuttle? It's an obvious solution when they couldn't make escape velocity. Why waste the time throwing out random space debris? They had enough engine power to leave the planet's surface. Their speed was increasing but not enough to break orbit. But that meant that they had enough power to make a controlled landing. All they would have needed to do then was to contact the Scorpio to be picked up. Even if Avon _had_ decided to try reaching escape velocity first, at five minutes remaining, they still had 70 kilos to dump. At that point trying to land the shuttle gave them much better odds. Something Avon should have known."

Everyone was thinking.

"Those are good points," said Garett, joining their conversation. "But I also have something interesting to add. Take a look on screen." He gestured to one of his assistants. Several of the readouts and charts from the monitors were projected onto the screen.

Garett continued, "When I asked Vila to trace his mind back to when these feelings and impressions were the strongest, he came back to here." He used a pointer to indicate a spot on a gridded wave pattern. "This is like a memory timeline. The point which Vila is accessing occurred just over two years ago."

"Then these _are_ the memories which Servalan implanted," said Cally. Even though she had refused to believe what she had seen, there was a look of relief on her face.

"That is a strong possibility," said Garett.

"Then it didn't happen?" A weak voice asked them. They all turned to look at Vila, who was being supported by two of the assistants. He shook them off and came towards the group.

"They were most likely the implanted memories," Garett told him. "How are you feeling?" Garett gave him a brief examination.

"A bit woozy. But if this is true, then I've hated Avon for nothing?" asked Vila. There was an ill look on his face. "And beating him up…what about those memories?" Vila's hand went to his head. He had a headache. "He's never going to let me forget it." He suddenly put his hand down and asked, "Then what really happened? Did we even go to Malodar? Is there really an Egrorian and Pinder?"

"That's not something we can determine at the moment," said Garett. "But my _guess_ is that the images you saw were based on _actual_ events and people but the memories were altered. That way you could not tell the real memories from the implanted ones if the blocks began breaking down."

"These are the ones that Avon will remember too?" asked Cally.

"It would make sense to match both their memories," said Sester. "There was an Egrorian, by the way. He was a brilliant and controversial scientist who disappeared a long time ago."

"There is another strange thing," said Reya. "The object which Vila dropped. The one Avon handed to him. That was very near where Vila was hiding. Now I don't know you well enough yet, Vila. But would you do something like that? I'm assuming that was how the Avon in your memories found you so quickly."

"I'm not sure. Maybe, if I panicked and wasn't thinking straight. But I can't believe I would do something that suicidal if I was trying to hide," said Vila.

"There's also something else very strange," said Cally. They all looked at her now. "Avon and Vila were trying to lighten the shuttle. They were both frantic. But I only saw Vila going to the airlock and throwing items out. We watched him. Where was Avon? He seemed to be on the flight deck the entire time. Just standing and talking to ORAC? That doesn't make any sense if their survival depended on reducing the weight of the shuttle as quickly as possible. Even if he needed to continue thinking, Avon can do that _and_ throw things out at the same time."

Sester's mind had been busy calculating and finding possibilities to understand what they had witnessed on the screen. He said, "It's as if, the things which don't make sense, were deliberately designed to force this sequence of events. The gun which has no purpose. Except inside the shuttle. Because Avon would need it to force Vila into the airlock. The landing of the shuttle. Avon suddenly not being able to think of an obvious solution. Because if he did, then there would be no need for the confrontation. And assuming that Vila would not do something so suicidal as to advertise where he was hiding. A deliberate pointer so that Avon would find Vila quickly within the limited time frame they had."

Cally studied the psychostrategist. For the first time there was no suspicion in her eyes when she spoke to him. "A fabricated scenario, designed to make it _seem_ as if Avon tried to kill Vila?"

"She's evil," said Vila. He wanted to say it angrily but his head hurt. No one needed to ask who the 'she' was.

"Yes. _She is_," said Argus angrily enough for both of them. He said to Sester accusingly, "And _you're_ working for her."

Sester looked uncomfortable as everyone stared at him. He had always known what Servalan was capable of; he had even helped her achieve her goals. And except for Avon, it had never really bothered him. Psychostrategists were trained to think on an impersonal level. Human beings were little more than puppets to them; pieces to be moved in a game, to achieve an end.

But this _had_ to do with Avon. Sester gave a slight grimace and said, "Let's leave me out of this, shall we? I believe you have more important matters to discuss."

"Yes, like how to kill Servalan," said Vila.

"We can't yet," said Argus. There was great frustration in his tone. He was as angry as the rest of them. Argus was feeling increasingly trapped in an arrangement which tied his hands. Servalan had left him no choice and he hated her. As the leader, he had to think of the big picture; and that picture did not involve killing Servalan yet.

"How can you say that?" said Vila, his voice rising in anger. He groaned and pressed his hand against his temple. "I've got to lie down. Or get a different head."

Garett checked Vila's eyes. "You've got a headache?"

"A big one. Any chance of some soma?" asked Vila hopefully.

"Not soma. But something that will help." He spoke to one of his assistants.

Garett said, "It's a result of the breaking down of the memory blocks."

"It is," Sester confirmed. "You will also experience periodic flashes of conflicting memories and strong emotions tied to those memories; until your mind settles and processes the fact that the implanted ones are not real. There is still another problem after that. You will have memory gaps since the blocks on the real ones are still in place."

"If being in the crawlspace with Ture triggered this memory, why wouldn't it trigger the other one too?" asked Cally.

Sester said, "My speculation would be that the real memory did not involve a cramped and dark location. Something else happened during that period of time."

"No small, dark place?" asked Vila.

"That would be my guess," said Sester.

For Vila, one less memory which touched on his childhood fears was always a good thing. "Then let's get rid of this block too." Vila said this enthusiastically and then there was a reaction of, "Oh my head!" Vila groaned and put his hand to his head again. "I must remember to speak softer."

At that moment the assistant came back and gave Vila an injection. Vila's stressed and pained face began to relax, replaced with a big and happy smile. "Oh. That's just as good as the soma. What's the name of this wonder drug?"

Garett said, "You should get some sleep, Vila. Sester is right. Give your mind time to rest and process what has happened." He gestured for two of his two assistants to bring Vila back to the observation room. Vila was very cheerful now.

After the successful testing of the imaging chamber and the others left to do other things, Cally returned to sit by Avon's bed. He was moving restlessly again, but at least he seemed to be resting now. She knew it wouldn't be long. Whatever was happening in his mind, he was never allowed to rest for long.

Cally wet a cloth and wiped his face. Other than trying to reach him unsuccessfully with her mind, it was the only thing she could do for him.

_Avon, you're not alone. Keep fighting. What you are seeing is in the past. Find your way back. _She kept trying, hoping that something would get through to him. She projected reassurance and hope; and her own feelings for him. She looked up as Reya came into the room.

"How is he?" she asked Cally.

"There isn't any change. He's not showing any signs of regaining consciousness yet," said Cally. She returned to wiping Avon's face.

"Argus has been talking to Healer Garett and they want to put Avon into the imaging chamber tomorrow," said Reya.

"That's good."

Reya studied the younger woman; Cally looked tired and worried. "How are _you_ doing?" she asked her.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine," said Cally. She put the cloth on the table beside the bed and sat down again.

"How much rest have you gotten since he was brought here?" asked Reya.

"Enough."

"I'm betting that it's only enough not to fall over from exhaustion?" said Reya wryly.

"I can't sleep," acknowledged Cally. "Not when he's like this. And with what we learned today, I'm not sure I can sleep."

"But we know that Servalan was the cause of those memories. It wasn't Avon we saw." Reya tried to remind her.

"I know. But that means that Avon has been living with those memories. I can't imagine what it's done to him to think that he has that in him. Despite how he acts, most of the time, he has an even more cynical attitude towards himself than he does to others. Sometimes he doesn't even think he's human." There was a troubled anguish on her face.

Reya could see that it was painful for Cally to talk about this. The other woman's love for Avon meant that his pain was hers. Reya touched Cally's elbow in sympathy, "Then it's even more reason to make sure that you take care of yourself. How do you think he's going to feel, when he regains consciousness, and finds that you collapsed from exhaustion; because you were looking after him? He'll feel that he's become even more of a burden to someone he cares about."

"He cares about…" Cally repeated this absently; and then she looked directly at Reya and said with certainty, "I know he cares."

"Knowing Avon though, he's probably never said it."

"No. He would call it a display of sentiment. He's doesn't believe in them. But he suffered two years for me. He knew when he came to rescue me, what kind of risk he was taking. He _knew_ what that woman would do to him if he fell into her hands again. But he still did it. And then after we rescued him; he knew he had to go back. Servalan must have been furious. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for him. I knew he had been tortured. I knew what she forced him to do. But this. This is infinitely worse. How could anyone do this to someone?" As she spoke, the anger in her voice rose. "It's _entirely my fault_! If he didn't care about me, this would never have happened." The anguish turned to tears. Reya hugged Cally and held her as the other woman cried. This was something Cally needed even more than the rest. Guilt was a heavy burden to bear.

After making sure that Cally went to sleep, Reya walked back to her suite. She was tired and was looking forward to spending a quiet night with Argus. An affectionate smile played on her lips as she anticipated a 'quiet' night. Reya turned the corner and had to side-swipe quickly to avoid bumping into Sester. She instantly knew that this was another one of Sester's 'accidental meetings'.

She said in annoyance, "Don't undo the good things you've accomplished today, by doing something stupid, Sester. I told you that if you touch me, I will make you regret it."

"I'm willing to risk it," said Sester. As he saw the anger appear on her face, he put his hands up and said, "I'm just kidding. Don't kill me."

Reya regarded him warily, "You're playing a dangerous game, Sester. If Argus found out…"

Sester interrupted her, "Yes. _If_ he found out… Why hasn't he, by the way?"

"What do you mean?" Being alone with Sester was making her feel uncomfortable again. Reya had a growing urge to get out of this hallway as soon as possible. She was starting to not like corridors.

"Why haven't you told him?" Sester asked slyly.

"You mean, _why_ don't I want him to _kill_ you? Don't flatter yourself. It has nothing to do with you."

A touch of a smile crossed Sester's face. He could almost see the wall she was trying to build between them as she stood there.

"Then what does it have to do with, Reya?" he asked. His voice was gentle and caring; seeking to understand. Just like those nights he had held her in his arms and tried to comfort her when they both thought Argus was dead. There was no need to build a wall if there was no semblance of an attack.

The hardness in Reya's eyes was mixed with uncertainty. She remembered this tenderness and compassion too; and her own ever-present guilt. Reya took a step back from him. "Don't do this."

He shook his head, "I have no intention of hurting you. But we have to come to some kind of peace if we are to work together."

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a confused look on her face.

"I guess Argus hasn't told you yet. He's agreed to bring me onboard as the Federation liaison during the battle with the alien incursion into this system."

"No. He hasn't. But he's been worried about Avon and Vila. We all are," said Reya.

"Yes. That's understandable," said Sester. "You know that I'm concerned about Avon too. I don't like what Servalan did to him." He hesitated and then said, "Or what I did to him."

"You didn't have a choice," she told him.

"I try to convince myself of that." He let a hint of guilt appear on his face. It helped that he did feel this way to some extent.

"Servalan would have killed you if you refused."

"Or worse," he said with a wry smile.

"What did she do to you after you helped Avon escape?" Feelings of guilt and apprehension faded; slowly replaced by sympathy.

"I'd rather not talk about it. Let's just say, she can be very persuasive when she wants to be."

"None of us thought about what would happen to you if she found out," said Reya. There was a twinge of guilt on her face.

"Why would they? As far as everyone is concerned, I still work for Servalan. I'm still the enemy."

"You're not."

"I'm glad you don't think so, Reya. It means a lot to me." Sester realized that it did mean a lot to him. He had not expected this. Sester had a sudden impulse to reach out and touch her but he restrained himself. He didn't want to end up on the ground again, wondering why he was staring up at the ceiling. "You'd better go. Argus will be getting impatient."

Reya nodded and headed off towards her suite.

"Reya."

She turned to look at him.

"Thank you for not telling Argus," he told her.

She nodded again. "Don't make me regret it."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Thirteen

After what they had discovered the previous day with Vila, everyone was nervously waiting for Avon to be brought into the imaging chamber. They all readied themselves for more of the same. No one had gotten a good night's sleep. Everyone seemed to have experienced their own nightmares.

Vila, Argus and Reya waited while the Healer's assistants readied the equipment again. Argus was speaking with one of the assistants.

"I don't know if I want to watch this," Vila said uneasily to Reya. "It would be like watching my own funeral."

"You don't have to do this, Vila," said Reya.

Vila said with a troubled but determined expression on his face, "I want to be here. But I don't want to be too. If you know what I mean. I don't want to be here, for me."

"You want to be here for Avon," Reya said with understanding.

"Yes." Vila looked embarrassed.

Reya touched him on the arm, surprising Vila. She told him, "You're a good friend, Vila."

Vila managed to look even more embarrassed. "I want to be this time."

"This time?" asked Reya, not understanding.

"It's a long story."

At that moment, Avon was wheeled into the room and put into the imaging chamber. Cally watched carefully as he was readied and strapped in.

Vila and Reya saw her arguing with Garett and Argus. Then Cally she shook her head and came over to the observation area.

"What's wrong? How is he doing?" asked a worried Vila.

"I don't know if I want Avon to do this now," said Cally. "He's exhausted. I don't think he got any sleep at all. Not in his head. Whatever is happening to him, he's not being allowed any rest." Neither Vila nor Reya said anything but Cally looked exhausted too; it was doubtful that she got any rest either.

Sester slipped into the room while the others were occupied and stood out of the way. Argus noticed him out of the corner of his eyes but didn't say anything. Reya also saw him and other than a brief nod, did not pay any further attention to him.

There was distress in Cally's voice as she said, "He was screaming last night. I didn't know what to do." She did not look very steady on her feet. Reya put her arm around Cally's shoulder to support her and said, "Vila, get a chair."

"Right." Vila located one and came back with it. "Here, Cally." They encouraged her to sit.

Argus came over with Garett. Upon seeing the distraught Cally, he asked, "Is she alright?"

Reya said, "Can't we do this tomorrow? Cally said that Avon had a bad night."

"We can't, Reya. It has to be now," Argus answered.

Garett said to Cally, "I know you don't want us to do this, but we don't have a choice. Avon's mind is not giving him one. He is experiencing these memories whether he wants to or not. But…" Garett had a thoughtful look on his face.

Argus asked, "What are you thinking?"

"I was wondering if this is really entirely out of his control," said Garett.

"I don't understand. You just said that he doesn't have a choice," said Argus.

As he thought out loud, Garett crossed his arms over his chest and occasionally he would look towards the ceiling as he remembered. "Something he did during the mind mapping. Some of the readings we are getting now are similar. I think he was learning to gain a measure of control over the memories; enough that his mind would not shut down. He didn't explain what he was doing, but I think what is happening now, may actually be a good sign that he has not lost control."

Cally stood up. She demanded, "I don't understand. How could this be any better than collapsing? He's suffering now. How can that be better? And if he is in control, then why doesn't he wake up?"

"I'm not sure. It may be partial control. Or perhaps, he doesn't want to regain consciousness yet. For some reason, he wants to follow this memory. Regardless, we are not the ones in control here. He will continue this trail of memories until they are finished. The only thing we can do is monitor him. Interfere if he is having trouble physically and try to reach him with the imaging chamber technology. If he wants to pursue this, I would like to give him a chance. He must have a reason."

"He wants to understand everything," muttered Vila to himself.

"What was that, Vila?" asked Argus.

Vila repeated, "Avon. He always wants to understand everything. He never rests until he does."

"Yes. He's infinitely curious," said Cally. For a moment, there was a lighter look on her face as she remembered something.

"Then you're not opposed to us continuing?" asked Garett.

"I still don't like it. But you're right, there is no other choice," acknowledged Cally.

With that everyone moved into a better position to watch the screen. For the next few hours, they all watched a re-enactment of the memories which Vila experienced; but from Avon's perspective.

Afterwards Vila sat down and said, "I think I'm going to be sick." One of the assistants quickly handed him a large metallic pan. "Not that kind of sick." He handed the object back.

"You were right about the matching of the memories," Healer Garett turned around and addressed Sester, who was still standing unobtrusively a distance away.

"It made the most sense." Sester came over to join them.

"Then it's over. He should be coming out of it," said Cally hopefully.

Garett went over to the imaging control panels to check. He used the comm and said, "Avon. Can you hear me? It's Garett." He looked down at the monitors. There was no change in readings. "Avon, the scenario is completed. You can come out of it now." There were still no changes or indication that Avon was regaining consciousness. "I don't understand it. He should be coming out of it if the memories are over."

"They must not be finished then," said Sester. "If you are right and Avon is partially in control of what is happening, he obviously doesn't consider it over yet."

As if on cue, one of Garett's assistants called for his attention. "Sir. We're getting more images."

They all turned towards the screen. Familiar faces appeared on the screen. Vila, Tarrant, Dayna and Soolin. Vila found it strange watching himself on the screen.

"We must be seeing their attempts to implant the memories," said Garett. "Normally it would be repeated many times until they become ingrained in the subject's mind."

The screen was showing motion along a corridor and then onto the flight deck. Tarrant was walking beside Avon.

They heard Avon's voice say, "Orac is loaded, Vila, and we're ready to go."

Dayna said, "Oh, Avon, is it really worth losing Orac for this new weapon?"

Avon voice replied, "I don't see that we have a lot of choice. If we say no deal, Egrorian can destroy this ship faster than you can snap your fingers."

Soolin asked, "And how do you guarantee he won't anyway once you've delivered Orac?"

Avon's voice replied, "We have no guarantee. But if he tried that he must know that we would kill them."

[ [ There was stirring among the medical unit observers.

"This is different," remarked Argus. "I don't remember the dialogue being like this."

"You're right, some of those lines were said by someone else before," said Cally.

They were all puzzled but continued watching; trying to pay even closer attention, trying to spot any other differences. ] ]

They all heard Dayna say with concern, "But you've no guns."

Avon's voice did not contain any concern. "You haven't seen those two. They are old and they are decrepit, especially Pinder. Vila could handle him on his own."

Tarrant asked, "Pinder's old?" There was a puzzled look on his face.

Vila said, "Late seventies. Why?"

Tarrant replied, "After you'd gone, I got Orac to do us one last service. This is a printout from Central Records, all that's known about Egrorian."

Avon's voice asked, "Interesting reading?"

Tarrant said, in a superior voice, "Yeah, very interesting. After he vanished, they started finding the bodies. He was never a simple scientist, Avon."

Vila asked, "What was he?"

[ [ The real Vila asked loudly and with great confusion. "WHAT?" Everyone stared at him. Cally was looking increasingly confused. ] ]

The Tarrant on the screen replied, "Power mad from his earliest days. He was at the center of a conspiracy to take over the Federation."

Avon said, "This is the man who says he wants to spend the rest of his life in the advancement of science."

Tarrant added, "The other interesting thing is Pinder."

Vila asked, "What about him?"

Tarrant replied in that superior tone again, "He was a mathematical prodigy apparently. He was eighteen when he disappeared with Egrorian ... ten years ago. Now I'm not a mathematical prodigy, but it seems to me that makes him twenty-eight."

[ [ The real Vila began giggling. They all looked at him again.

"Would you like to share the joke with us?" asked Argus.

"That's exactly what it is. A joke. It has to be," said Vila, trying to giggle and talk at the same time.

"Vila?" Reya asked. "Would you like to explain it to the rest of us?"

Vila said, "Explain…" Then he burst out laughing again while Cally asked, "Vila, when did Avon stop doing his own research? And when did Tarrant start doing any? Did something happen after I was gone?"

"That's just it," said Vila. "It never happened that way. I mean. What I remembered. The memories they implanted in me, made much more sense."

"I'm inclined to agree. It doesn't seem to make any sense with what we know of Avon," said Sester. "I am not familiar with Tarrant but, we _all_ know that Avon is almost paranoid about safety. Servalan had been hunting him for months; setting traps for them, trying to kill them. Then out of the void, Egrorian requests a meeting? Only with Avon? And he offers them the ultimate weapon in exchange for ORAC. Avon and ORAC. Now who else does Avon know who would want that combination together, alone and somewhere where they are vulnerable? What is the possibility that Avon would not research everything he possibly could before even considering going to Malodar?"

"And Tarrant having to do _math_ for Avon…," Vila was laughing so hard now that he was almost reduced to tears.

"Now that you put it that way…it is very funny," said Reya. ] ]

The images on the flex screen had continued. The rest of the scenes were very similar to the ones they had seen in Vila's memories. The interaction between Avon and Vila on the first trip to the planet. The meeting on Malodar with Egrorian and Pinder and then the second trip to make the trade. As Avon and Vila returned back to the Scorpio with the tachyon funnel safely in the cargo hold, the observers in the medical unit all unconsciously leaned closer towards the screen.

Everything happened as before in the shuttle, up to the point when ORAC fatefully proclaimed that the speed required to break orbit, was unattainable. Avon again stayed in the cockpit of the shuttle talking to ORAC while Vila rushed around lightening the ship.

Vila rushed back to the flight deck of the shuttle in time to hear Avon's stressed voice ask, ""What's the position now, Orac?"

ORAC responded, "Remaining flight time: five minutes and forty seconds."

Avon's voice asked, "How much more weight must we lose before we can achieve escape velocity?"

ORAC replied, "Seventy kilos, Avon."

Avon's voice said, "Only seventy kilos... Vila, strip off the insulation material in the cargo hold." There was a slight pause then they heard Avon's voice shouting, ""Vila!" Avon handed a small plastic trolley to Vila, who took it.

Vila whined, "But that's plastic. It weighs nothing."

Avon's voice told the onscreen Vila, "Get rid of it anyway!"

Vila said, "A kilo and a half if we're lucky."

Avon's voice was frantic, "Do it! We've got five minutes." Vila disappeared from the screen as he ran to follow Avon's orders. They could hear Avon saying frantically, "Not enough! Not nearly enough! Dammitt, what weighs seventy kilos?"

ORAC responded, "Vila weighs seventy-three kilos, Avon."

[ [ In the medical unit, everything was deathly quiet as everyone prepared themselves to watch the next few disturbing scenes. ] ]

For a moment there was a pause then they heard Avon say in a quieter, determined voice, "Vila." They all saw the screen lower and then Avon opening the panel to take out the gun.

[ [ "This scenario has the gun too," remarked Argus.

Sester said, "Yes. I had noticed that." ] ]

The next few minutes they saw the screen moving slowly through the ship and then down the ladder into the cargo hold.

[ [ Reya asked, "Why is he moving so _slowly_? And why isn't he looking _in_ things if he's trying to find Vila, instead of just wandering around the corridors?" No one had an answer. ] ]

They heard a calm and persuasive voice saying, "Vila? Vila? Vila? Vila, are you here? I need your help. Vila, I know you're here, come out. Vila, I know how they did it, but I need your help. Please help me."

[ [ The moment they had heard this voice, there were many looks of confusion in the medical unit.

"Who's voice is that?" asked Garett. "Is that supposed to be Avon?"

"I think so," said Argus looking very confused.

Vila started giggling the moment he heard this voice coming from the Avon on the screen and then he muttered in disbelief, "Please help me?" Vila started laughing again. He had to hang onto a desk.

Cally said, "I don't understand. Why is Avon sounding like that?" ] ]

The screen stopped abruptly and panned down. There was a plastic box. It seemed as if Avon had just kicked it accidentally with his boot.

[ [ "What is that?" asked Reya. "I don't remember seeing that in Vila's memories."

Vila shrugged, "No idea."

Argus asked with confused incredulity, "Is that THING in the MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR?!!!"

They all stared at him and then at the object on the screen again with increasingly mystified looks on their faces. ] ]

They heard Avon's voice again, identifying the object, "Plastic. High tensile plastic. Vila?" They saw his foot try to kick the object away. It didn't move.

Avon's voice said, "Couldn't possibly be that heavy. Unless there's something imbedded in it, and there isn't. Unless it's very tiny, in which case it wouldn't have... the weight!" The tone of Avon's voice changed again. He sounded more like he did in the cockpit, before ORAC told him about Vila's weight. Avon's voice said with more energy, "Vila, I really do know how they did it! It's a speck of neutron material, but I need your help to shift it." The view lowered and they saw Avon pick up the small cart he had handed to Vila earlier. Avon's hands use the little trolley to push the heavy plastic box to the airlock.

[ [ "I thought it was supposed to be a really heavy object. So heavy that it was preventing the engines from reaching escape velocity. _Should_ he be able to move it like that?" asked Reya.

Vila couldn't stop laughing. He was laughing so hard now that he had to sit down, or be rolling on the floor. ] ]

Avon said frantically, "Vila, help me! Vila, you have GOT to help me, come on! Vila! Vila, WHERE ARE YOU?"

[ [ As the rest of the scenario played out, everyone was either smiling in amusement or joining Vila in laughter. It was hard to take anything they saw on the screen seriously now. ] ]

After the images on the screen faded, everyone looked at each other. There was a light mood, unlike the time when they had finished watching Vila's memories.

"Well, now that was interesting," said Sester. He had been silent so far; quietly thinking and about the improbable things they had been looking at on the screen.

"I haven't seen anything that funny since…" Vila stopped. His brow furled in thought. "Since watching Delta vids when I was a kid. None of them made any sense either."

"These vids, they were entertainment?" asked Reya.

Vila replied, "Yes. The government Delta channels have them. All kinds of things. Comedies, romance, action stuff."

"But why would they make anything that didn't make any sense? Wouldn't people find that insulting to their intelligence?" asked Reya. She didn't understand. There wasn't anything like this in Athol culture.

"Well, it was meant for the Deltas. We don't get much education. And when you're life is rough anyway, even a little mindless entertainment is good. It's free and it takes your mind off things," said Vila.

"But this doesn't just take your mind off things," said Cally. She had never understood this aspect of Terran culture either. "I imagine it would encourage people to turn their rational minds off, in order for it to be entertaining."

"Exactly," said Sester.

Cally looked at him. "You're saying, it's deliberate?"

"It is the Federation," he responded.

They all absorbed this piece of information.

"The more interesting question is, why would Avon remember this? And why does he have two different sets of memories?" asked Sester.

"Well, this one can't be true. It doesn't make any sense," said Cally.

"And we know that the other one isn't true either," said Argus. "So what really did happen?"

They all looked at each other.

"For that answer, we would have to break the memory blocks hiding the real events," said Garett.

The flex screen began showing images again. They all looked at it.

"It's repeating," remarked Reya.

"It's the first set of memories. The ones Vila has," said Cally.

Garret said, "That would make sense. It reflects the implantation process. They would have to feed Avon the images repeatedly until his mind accepts them as part of his own."

Avon began screaming in the chamber. They all reacted in shock. Garett immediately checked the monitors.

"What's happening?" asked Cally. There was great concern on her face. She made moves to go into the chamber.

"Something is causing him a lot of pain," said Garett.

"We can see that!" said Argus. "But what's causing it?"

Garett said, "We're checking." He worked quickly with his assistants to find the source of the problem. The images on the screen continued.

The screaming stopped abruptly. They all continued staring at the chamber while Garett and his assistants continued trying to find out what happened.

"It looks like…" began Garett but he was interrupted by the sound of a weak and hoarse voice, "Cally?"

* _Avon!_ * Cally projected to him. She ran to the chamber and tried to open it. "Get him out of there!" she turned to the assistants. Everyone ran to help. When the door was finally opened, Cally rushed in and hugged Avon. "You're awake!"

Avon said with tired amusement, "Yes. I do appear to be." His voice was barely audible.

"How are you feeling?" asked Garett.

"I have a headache," replied Avon. His throat was scratchy. "Throat is dry."

"I'll check you over," said Garett. "And we'll get you some water." Cally let go of Avon reluctantly and let Garett do his job.

"I'll get the water," said Reya.

There was relief on Vila's face and a grin. "No one hugged me."

Avon looked over at him and said lightly, "That's hardly surprising."

Vila was about to respond when Avon said in a more serious tone, "We have many things to discuss."

"Not right now," said Garett as Reya returned with the water and handed it to Cally. As Cally raised Avon's head, Garett said, "You need to rest. There will be no talking until tomorrow."

**********

Avon was sleeping now and of course, Cally was with him. The others were sharing a meal as they talked about what just happened. There was a lighter air and lots of laughter as they each tried to poke holes into the scenes they had just observed. Even Sester seemed to be accepted in the merriment.

Vila had just put a fork of something sweet into his mouth and was busily chewing and talking at the same time. "My favourite part is still, Tarrant doing research. And Avon not being able to do simple math."

Argus took a drink out of his cup, grimaced and put it down again. "Vila, does ORAC have the ability to know how much you weigh? Does it have external sensors?"

Reya switched cups with his. "Here try this."

Vila tried to think, "I've never asked the little bugger. I think it can use the ship's internal sensors."

"Or perhaps it accessed your medical files on the ship?" remarked Reya as she watched Argus try her cup. He nodded in appreciation.

Sester added, "If ORAC is able to interface with any computer or ship and use its sensors, then it didn't make sense that it didn't detect the neutron material."

Argus said, "Or that it didn't notice someone or something gaining unauthorized access to the shuttle and loading something on. I assume that you don't normally leave the shuttle unlocked? I can't imagine Avon would do that. It's too dangerous and especially when he knows they're in a hostile environment. And that he can't trust Egrorian."

"And that thing in the middle of the floor!!!" Vila was starting to laugh again. "I went to the airlock half a dozen times throwing stuff out. But that thing was in the middle of the floor! Even if I was blind, how could I not trip over it before or even notice it? I _was_ trying to throw things out."

Sester picked up a piece of fruit from a bowl in the centre of the table and studied it. He added, "Speaking of 'things in the middle of the floor'. It would be a poor murder plan to kill someone by weighting the ship, but leaving the object where even a blind person would trip over it and be curious."

"That's true…" said Vila. "It would take a really stupid evil genius. Oh, there was an episode of….. You know what? Avon caught me looking through the _Liberator's_ archives once. There were all kinds of useless information there, including loads of files on old Delta vids. I wonder if that has anything to do with it."

"You're conjecturing that Avon's mind may have used information from the vids to alter his own memories?"

"Well, I don't know how long he had been standing there watching me watch the vids. Then he said something about wasting my time on sop for the masses and left."

"That sounds like Avon," said Argus. "What we saw didn't."

"Yes, it is completely inconsistent behaviour. Even within the scenarios we saw," said Sester. "Did you notice?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Argus.

"Avon's behaviour. He doesn't do research on Egrorian. But throughout all of the other scenes we saw, Avon is continually thinking and planning. As Vila said before, Avon has a need to understand everything. He takes pre-emptive measures such as building an ORAC Mark II, _just in case_ they might need it. This is an overly cautious man. He is obviously obsessed about safety and is constantly planning and plotting. To not do detailed research on Egrorian is just not plausible for Avon."

"That's true," said Vila. "He may not always tell us, but he's always doing research about things."

Sester continued, "Another inconsistency. ORAC tells them that escape velocity is unattainable. Avon wonders how but he never tries to find out? He never checks the ship status or asks ORAC if there is something wrong with the ship? That is a normal thing to do."

Reya added, "Yes. There seems to be many things the Avon in that scenario didn't ask. Even if there was nothing wrong with the ship. Why didn't Avon ask ORAC _why_ the ship is too heavy? It's their second time down to the planet. This didn't happen before. It's obvious something has changed."

Sester had been thinking while the others continued to poke holes in the scenario. He said, "Vila. How much of those Delta vids did Avon watch with you?"

Vila replied, "I don't know. I didn't see him until he spoke. Nearly jumped out of my skin when he did that."

Reya could see that Sester had something on his mind, "What are you thinking?"

He replied, "It doesn't make sense for Servalan to implant two different sets of memories for the same series of event. And you would have to be insane to want to implant ones that make so little sense."

"Yes, we know that. Get to the point," said Argus.

Sester stared at him and then he said, "We know that Avon would have fought them doing this. And we saw Vila's set of memories being repeated several times with Avon. That is consistent with what is done with the implanting of memories. Repetition until the mind can no longer resist. But I think that Avon's mind did resist, even after they thought he couldn't. He could not stop them from implanting the memories but I think that his subconscious mind continued to reject them the only way it could. It forced chaos on them. After the criminotherapists finish a session, they test the success of the implantation by having the subject recall the memories. That must have been the second set we saw."

"They must have been surprised," said Reya.

"I'd have loved to see the look on Servalan's face when they had Avon repeat the memories and they found that," said Vila.

"Yes. And that would also explain the pain when the first set of memories began again. They realized what Avon was doing and was trying to break him down further."

Vila had not thought about this aspect of it. "Poor Avon," said Vila. "He didn't want them to give him this memory. And I…." He looked depressed.

Chapter Fourteen

Avon opened his eyes. It was good to be able to see the medical unit and not the gray walls of the prison cell. He turned his head and glanced over at Cally. She was sleeping in a bed next to his; this arrangement was comforting in its familiarity. He watched her as her chest rose and fell slowly with every breath.

_You look tired_. He knew why. This made him feel both comfortable and uncomfortable, at the same time. She cared about him; he was finding that it mattered to him a great deal that she did. And even though he had never told her, he cared about her too. He found himself comparing her to Anna without thinking; the Anna who had never really existed. Like her, Cally never demanded anything from him unless he wanted to give it. She was gentle, yet strong. He did not feel threatened or pressured when he was with her. She was willing to wait for him and because of that, he didn't want to let her down.

_It was much easier when I barely felt anything; when I could reduce this to an intellectual exercise to be solved._

He knew that he could suppress the emotions, as he normally did; but when it came to Cally, he had chosen not to. It had made everything much more difficult, but he was willing to do it for her.

Avon began thinking about the memories of Malodar and the shuttle. Now that he understood what they were, he could think about them objectively. There had been a purpose to what happened the last few days. For Cally and for himself, he had to know what kind of man he really was.

It was one of the reasons why he had chosen to endure what he had. Avon had decided that it was no longer enough to only express how he felt by what he did. And now, because of the memories, because of what Servalan had been able to do to him, he realized it was a weakness. She had taken great pleasure in telling him repeatedly - usually after she had Vila beat him up - that he was partially responsible for what was happening.

Sometimes it was important to let people know that he cared; even if just a little. _Not that I need anyone, of course._ A wry, self-mocking smile crossed his face at this familiar and almost automatic thought. He would not allow Servalan to exploit this weakness again.

When Avon had first started experiencing the memories surrounding what happened on the shuttle, he had made a conscious decision to allow them to take him. He had stayed passive, accepting the tide of recollections as they came, sweeping him up, and bringing him back into the past.. At any time he was aware that he could have stopped it. All he had to do was to reach for them, and as before, his mind would become overwhelmed and shut down as they flooded his mind.

He had been aware of Cally as she tried to reach him telepathically. Of all the things he had to suffer, hiding himself from her had been the most difficult; going to a place in his mind where he thought she was still dead, had almost made him stop. Avon knew that what he was doing would cause her cause her pain and suffering, but he had to harden himself; he had to know that he _wanted_ her to love him.

_A killer of friends_. He had to know if he really was one. _I'm closer now. At least I know that those memories weren't real._ But it wasn't over for him yet. _The others are relieved. Vila is happy. But they do not comprehend that nothing has really been resolved. I still don't know the answer._

An ironic smile touched his lips as he thought of Vila. He wondered which of them had been the most relieved. Sometimes, because of the memories, he thought he must have gone mad during those days when Servalan tried to kill them all. One day acting rationally and the next, unable to do the most basic things inherent to his character.

_Were all of the memories lies? Or were some of them true?_ Avon wanted to know if the ease in relating with Vila during those moments on the shuttle, outside of those few terrible minutes, had been real. It surprised him that this was also important to him now. He wanted to know. More than an intellectual curiosity; this was a relationship he wanted to mend.

_It would make more sense to mix the fake memories with the real ones; only altering what they needed._ His mind would have been familiar with those ones; and that would facilitate in being more receptive to the ones they wanted him to believe.

At the Detention Centre, he had learned to hate himself. Servalan had made him hate himself. His life had become something he no longer valued. Even after the others rescued him, nothing changed, not inside. In the darkness, he was still dead. But now people wanted him to live; not just because they valued his abilities or his mind. Because of that, the darkness was not as dark anymore. For them, he would live. But first, he needed to find out about the darkness. For Cally's sake, for their sake.

_* Avon. * _Cally's voice in his mind startled him from his thoughts. Her voice in his mind was always a soothing presence, a light touch against his consciousness. He rolled his still tired body slightly to face at her. She seemed to be studying him, just like he had been doing to her moments ago.

His throat was still sore. He projected, *_ Yes, Cally? _*

*_ What were you thinking of just now? You looked very serious. _* she said to him.

His eyes searched hers. She was also very serious. Her concern and caring came across both in her manner and in what she projected to him.

*_ I believe that is my 'normal' look. _* He thought to her. There was a light quality to his tone.

_* I'm glad you're feeling well enough to joke. But you were looking even more serious than normal before. *_

*_ Then I must have looked positively grim. _* He continued to think in light thoughts.

Cally knew that Avon was a private man. She had hoped that their relationship had progressed to the point where he could share something personal, but obviously, he wasn't ready yet. She wondered if he ever would be. She thought to him, * _You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I know it's been difficult. _*

*_ I was thinking about what happened, _* he told her. This surprised her. The tone in the thoughts that Avon sent her way, was no longer light; he seemed to be opening himself to share something with her.

She projected, *_ Healer Garett said that you could have come out of the memories at any time. But you wanted to stay. Is that true? _*

He studied her for a few moments before answering, wondering what he should say; trying to decide what he should tell her.

* _To an extent. I could have induced a collapse; as I had experienced before on the flight deck and in the workshop, _* he told her.

* _Why, Avon? Why make yourself go through that? What was the purpose? _* she asked.

He turned away from her and looked at the ceiling. * _I had to know. _*

* _You wanted to know if your memories of trying to kill Vila were real? _*

* _Yes_. *

She said with understanding, * _You didn't want them to be real. _"

Avon turned to look at her. *_No. I didn't._*

"I'm glad you know now," said Cally.

_Not yet_, thought Avon to himself. That thought he did not send her way. He didn't want to worry her; he still had to find out.

**********

Argus and Reya were up early and were practicing in the training hall. At this hour, the hall was deserted, which was the way they preferred it. They moved together in unison, intricate dances of lethal skill, with and without various weapons. Argus's bare chest glistened with sweat and his well-defined muscles rippled with each movement. Reya wore a sleeveless top and short pants in dark green. Both of them were well-developed specimens of health and deadliness.

After finishing another set of movements Argus said, "Enough of this. It's time to have some fun." He was grinning. This was his favourite part of their routine.

"I thought we _were_ having fun," said Reya.

"Well, how about some _more_ fun?" He picked out two short staffs from the weapons rack and threw one to her. She caught it deftly and did a few moves with it.

"Show off," he said teasingly as he suddenly thrust forward with his staff and interrupted her movements.

She blocked instantly and countered, causing him to step back. "You were saying?"

"You can do better than that." He grinned impudently as he swept his staff towards her legs.

"You're just asking for trouble this morning." She was also grinning as she avoided this move and swept towards his in return.

"This morning. And every morning." Argus made an overhand strike. "And afternoon." Followed by a low strike with the other end of the staff." And evening." She countered each one and responded with a lunge towards him. He trapped her staff and took a step forward. "And definitely _every night_," he said suggestively.

"You're terrible," Reya said with exasperation as she knocked his staff aside and tried to rap him on the side of his hard head. He countered and said with an impish grin, "I _know_. Isn't that why you love me?"

For the next half hour, they sparred. The noises of staff hitting staff were the only sounds to be heard, other than their playful teasing. A shadow darkened the open doorway and paused there just out of sight, observing them.

As Argus made another countermove, he tilted his head a bit towards the doorway and then he made a slight incline of his head towards Reya. She nodded briefly in return; she had noticed almost as soon as he had. They continued to spar and tease one another; each movement bringing them closer to the doorway.

Before they got within striking distance, Sester stepped through the door.

"You caught me," he told them. "Coming for some exercise."

Argus's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why are you really here?"

"You've never come to exercise before," said Reya.

"There's always a first time," said Sester. "_Someone_ thought it might be good for me. So I thought I would try it." As he said this, he avoided looking at her.

Reya knew the _someone_, he was referring to. She had been the one to suggest it while they were both prisoners.

"Whoever made that suggestion obviously doesn't know you very," said Reya. "You would rather _die_ than wake up this early."

The look in Reya's eyes clearly told him that he should leave.

Sester said, "Well, I don't know about dying. Avoiding dying would be more like it. Isn't that what your exercises are about? Learning to defend yourself?" He was also here to have some fun; he wasn't about to go without getting what he wanted.

"You want to learn?" asked Argus. It was a question with a challenge.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't," said Sester.

"Argus," said Reya apprehensively. "What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry, Reya. It will be interesting to find out if psychostrategists _are_ all talk," said Argus. He had a smile on his face that did not radiate any warmth or fun at all.

Sester was in no way phased by his attitude. He liked a good challenge. "Oh good. For a moment, I thought I was here for some exercise. I didn't know we were going to be involved in the advancement of your limited knowledge," said Sester cynically. "About psychostrategists."

"We're definitely here to advance something," said Argus. He threw his staff towards Sester and said, "Catch."

Sester was proud that he, just barely, managed to catch the weapon without dropping it. Argus had not given him enough warning and it had definitely been throw at him, not to him. He grinned at the other man. Argus stared at him coldly. "This way for the lesson." He led the way towards one of the concentric circles marked on the ground of the training hall.

Reya followed the two antagonistic men. "Argus, maybe he should get padded up."

"Are you afraid I'm going to hurt him?" Argus asked.

"I _know_, you're not," she told him. There was a note of challenge in her voice.

"Don't worry. I won't hurt him," Argus grinned, "He _might_ hurt himself though."

"Argus. He _is_ going to get padded up. _Now_," said Reya.

Argus gave her a rebellious look. "Alright."

Reya directed Sester to the side, opened a chest and began rummaging around. She chose several brown pieces and handed them to him. "Here, put these on."

Sester received the items and looked at them curiously. "What are these?" They were made of a light and supple material which became hard if struck.

"They are meant to protect you. Put them on," she told him.

Sester looked across at Argus, who was staring at both of them. "Neither of you are wearing any."

"We don't need to. We both know what we're doing. Unlike some people," she looked at him pointedly.

"Believe me, I do know what I'm doing," said Sester as he put on the brown chest piece and snapped it into place.

"I certainly hope so," said Reya, as she handed him the headpiece.

When he was done, Sester picked up the staff and returned to Argus, who was still glaring at him from within the circle.

"Very fashionable," said Argus sarcastically.

"Yes. Reya picked it out for me," said Sester, refusing to back down.

Argus looked him over from top to bottom. "Yes. Did she also tell you how ridiculous you would look with it on? Put up your guard."

Sester lifted his staff and stared at it, wondering what a guard position looked like.

"Argus, maybe you'd better show him a few moves first?" remarked Reya from the sidelines.

Argus had an annoyed look on his face. "Follow these moves." He began to show Sester a series of blocks and strikes in a pattern.

Sester found it awkward to move with the protective gear on but after he got used to it, he was able to follow.

Argus stopped and said, "Repeat it." He stood to the side to observe.

One of Sester's gifts was perfect recall and he had no problems repeating the moves which Argus had shown him. After the last one, he looked expectantly at Argus.

The other man glared at him but didn't say anything. It had been a perfect display.

"He's not bad. He might make a decent fighter if he wasn't so lazy about exercising," remarked Reya.

"Since you're so good at repeating movements, let's see how good you are at using them," said Argus with a sneer as he stepped back into the circle. "Guard position."

This time, Sester knew what to do and brought his staff up to a ready position. Argus began slowly. He made exaggerated strikes so that Sester could use the skills he had just learned, to block. "You can attack _anytime_ now," said Argus in a bored tone.

Sester grinned inside the helmet; he had been waiting for this. He made a quick thrust forward with his weapon. There was the sound of a loud whack and Sester found himself on the ground, looking up at the ceiling. The wind had been knocked out of him. He rolled and tried to get up. Argus gave him a hand and said, "Did I say that with padding, I also tend to hit harder?"

"No, you didn't," said Sester, rubbing the padding over his chest when he finally stood.

"Again," said Argus. Again involved Sester blocking the other man's slow attacks then another whack and a little winded staring up at the ceiling when Sester attacked. Argus helped him to get up again. Sester was certain he was going to find a big bruise where he had been hit, despite the protection. The force of Argus's strikes seemed to go right the padding.

"Argus, maybe he's had enough lessons for today," said Reya as she came over to them.

Argus glared at Sester and asked, "Have you?"

Sester smiled inside the helmet; it was very convenient and gave him great scope for amusement to be able to hide how he was feeling without having to suppress it. He achieved what he had come here for. "Absolutely. The other lessons can wait until tomorrow. I appreciate the cooperation, Commander."

Argus almost growled at him as he said, "I don't know what you're trying to achieve but it's not going to work."

_It already has_, thought Sester smugly as he noticed the irritated look on Reya's face as she watched the two of them interact. He wiped the smile from his own expression as he removed the headpiece and handed it to her. "Thank you for your assistance as well." As he removed the chest piece, Sester grimaced. There was definitely some bruising.

"Are you alright?" asked Reya with concern.

"Nothing a quick trip down to the medical unit won't cure," said Sester. He nodded to Reya and then left while Argus continued to glare at Sester's retreating back.

"Did you have to do that?" asked Reya after Sester left.

"Yes, I did," said Argus forcefully. "You shouldn't trust him, Reya. He's up to no good. He didn't just come down here for some innocent exercise this morning. Nothing he does is innocent."

"I know. You don't have to tell me. I know him better than you do. But you didn't have to do that to him," said Reya.

At that Argus looked very unhappy. "Do you want to continue sparring?" he asked.

Reya looked at the time indicator on the wall. "We don't have time. We're meeting with my brother this morning. We have to get ready."

As he followed her from the hall, Argus thought, _I'm going to have to watch him carefully when he's onboard the ship. Maybe when Avon feels better, he can set something up. He won't trust Sester any more than I do._


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Fifteen**

Vila approached the door to the medical unit with apprehension. He hadn't been able to sleep all night. The events of the previous day weighed heavily on his mind. Vila wished he had his own Cally; someone who would spend the night with him so that the nightmares would not be so terrifying. He understood now a little of what Avon had been going through the last few years.

Sester had been right. The implanted memories still bothered him. They had been a part of his mind and feelings so long that it was hard to throw them off so easily. But Vila was determined to. He pushed open the medical unit door and went in.

Cally was sitting on the edge of Avon's bed, one arm supporting his head and holding a cup of water for him to drink.

"Vila," said Avon as he noticed him come in. He struggled up to a sitting position with Cally's help and leaned back against the wall.

"Avon," said Vila nervously.

_Are you up for this, Avon? _Cally projected the question to him.

Avon responded, _Yes. Putting it off would serve no purpose. _

Cally said, _You're still tired. You should rest one more day. _

_It's a condition I am very familiar with. Don't worry about me, Cally. I promise to rest if I need to. Can you leave us alone? _

Cally hesitated; she knew that Avon would probably not rest unless she was there to encourage him to. But this was his choice, she had to respect that. "Of course. I will not be far if you need anything."

Avon nodded. After she left the room, the two men stared at each other without speaking, neither one knowing how to start. It was a place they had never come to before; a moment of mutual truth.

"So, Vila. Shall I start or shall you?" asked Avon.

"You," Vila blurted out without thinking; spurred on by years of ingrained habit.

Avon smiled. "Of course. The problem is not who will start. But where to start."

Vila sat down on the chair vacated by Cally, "How about the beginning?"

"Do we have the time?" asked Avon in amusement.

"It's important, Avon. I really want to do this."

"Alright. Since you appear to have something in mind, why don't you start?" said Avon.

For a brief instant, Vila had a panicked look on his face at this suggestion. It was one thing to want to do this, but when it actually came to doing it, fear usually got in the way. This time though, he was determined.

Before Vila had plucked up enough courage to say anything, Avon said, "Perhaps I might have something that will help."

"You don't have a bottle of something hidden away somewhere, do you?" asked Vila hopefully. He looked around the bed.

"No bottle. Just something that Servalan said."

"Servalan?!" said Vila. He didn't think that the mention of their deadliest enemy would be of any help to anyone, least of all to him. "That woman never helped anyone in her life."

"I didn't say that _she_ would help. Just something she _said_ might help," said Avon. "Do you remember saying that the Federation tried to condition you not to steal, but they never succeeded?" Avon asked.

"Yeah. It never took. I always ended up stealing again."

"What if the conditioning was not to stop you from stealing?" asked Avon.

"Eh?" asked Vila. "That's not possible. I mean what else would they be trying to do?"

Avon told him about the conditioning performed on Deltas who were sent to the rehabilitation centres.

"I don't remember that at all," said Vila when he finished.

"No. You wouldn't. It wouldn't serve their purposes to have you remember, that the reason why you follow blindly, is because someone conditioned you to."

"The evil, rotten, manipulative…" said Vila angrily.

"Quite." Avon was watching Vila intently as the thief began processing this information.

"Wait a minute…that means. I'm not easily led? That was something the Federation did to me?"

Avon said, "That's likely. Servalan said that you escaped before the programming was completed. It may explain why you complain constantly but nothing ever comes of it."

"Do you think my being afraid all the time could be part of it too?" asked Vila. "I mean it would be logical, wouldn't it? They wouldn't want the Deltas to be brave and do something, would they?"

Avon could see that Vila wanted to believe it. Was it more useful to tell him the truth? That he didn't know. _Would affirming your hope, give you what you need to overcome your fears? _

These kinds of consideration would never have occurred to him before. Avon believed in cold hard facts; the truth without the taint of irrational sentiment. But being without hope for so long himself, he realized that sometimes there were things which were more required than truth.

_A brave Vila would take some getting used to. _

Avon said, "That is a strong possibility."

"I always knew I wasn't a coward," said Vila.

"Just overly sensitive?" asked Avon with light sarcasm.

"You don't have that excuse," retorted Vila automatically. The moment he said it he wanted to kick himself. There had been a brief flash of something in Avon's eyes, Vila couldn't tell if it was annoyance or pain, then his manner turned abruptly cold.

Vila was mortified. "Oh, god. I'm sorry, Avon. I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean to. It just came out."

Avon stared at him without responding. The false memories of Vila's hatred were still too fresh; and the real ones of Servalan's delight in telling him that it was his own fault even as she had Vila torture him.

Avon had reacted according to an old ingrained instinct; one that instantly put up thick walls, turned him cold and dispassionate and very capable of responding back with equal, if not more malice . It was the survivor; except that this survivor had not fared well at the Detention Centre. It had kept him alive but it had been little more than a living death; life without a reason to live.

He was trying to change that now, to find a different way to survive. Avon finally responded, "I would have said that once. To you."

Realizing that Avon was making an effort as well, Vila said, "Well, we both used to say a lot of things. I really _am_ sorry, Avon. I should never have said it now."

"Apology accepted." Avon shifted to a different position, his back was a bit sore this morning; probably a result of the stress the past few days.

It was time for some more truth. Avon said, "I was never very pleasant to you. Some of the things I said could have been…" The corners of his lips lifted in an ironic smile, "Less abrasive."

"I gave as good as I got," said Vila.

"Yes, you did," said Avon. "You showed distinct signs of intelligence, at times."

"So did you," said Vila with a grin. Then he turned serious again. "Avon. I never thanked you for all the times you saved our lives. None of us did."

"I never needed any," said Avon.

"I know and you never wanted any. You have a strange way of showing that you care," said Vila.

"It was self-interest, Vila. Nothing more," said Avon.

"'_I have never understood why it should be necessary to become irrational in order to prove that you care, or why it should be necessary to prove it at all_?' Do you remember saying that, Avon?"

Avon looked startled. "Of course. I'm surprised that you do."

"I didn't understand it then but Cally did. I asked her about it later. She said, that what you said, and what you did were two different things and that I should pay attention to what you do. I think she knew the truth about you from the start. She knew you cared about us."

"I never could hide anything from her," said Avon wryly. Though she had never mentioned it to him, he wasn't surprised that she had known even then.

"And then that creature in the underground room. Do you remember, Avon?" asked Vila.

"You mean that madman, Dorian? He was insane, Vila. You can't take what he said seriously."

"You're only saying that because he accused you of caring. And you would die rather than to admit it. The creature in the room. I think it could read our minds. Dorian needed people who cared about each other. The creature sent him to us. It knew you cared even though you would never admit it."

Even though Avon had wanted to mend his relationship with Vila, even though he was trying to find a different path, all this talk of caring made him uncomfortable. Vila was right; he would rather die than acknowledge it to anyone. He hadn't even been able to admit it to Cally yet. He had been like this for as long as he could remember. In many ways, overcoming this inability would be as difficult for him as it would be for Vila to overcome his many fears.

"And what are you admitting?" asked Avon.

"Me?" asked Vila.

"Are you admitting that you care?" challenged Avon.

"I thought we were talking about you?"

"Well, now we're talking about you," said Avon.

"But you haven't said anything yet."

"I know."

"That's not fair," said Vila. "Well, I'm not saying anything if you don't."

Avon glanced at the door through which Cally had exited earlier. He admitted, "I haven't told Cally yet."

"Oh."

"I have to tell her first," said Avon as he continued to stare at the closed door. He wondered where she was.

Vila nodded. "You should."

Avon "Yes, I should." He looked at Vila again.

Vila said, "I was never that much of a friend. You may have been mean at times but at least you saved my life. I can't say the same thing."

"I didn't expect you to," said Avon.

"But that's the thing, you should have been able to," said Vila. "That creature said we cared about each other, and that includes me. Maybe Dorian _was_ insane."

"There are many things we did, that neither one of us are proud of," said Avon.

"And many things I didn't do," said Vila.

"I'm sorry, Vila."

"So am I."

For a moment neither of them said anything, they only stared at each other, unsure what should come next.

Vila seemed to make up his mind about something. He said, "I want to start over again, Avon. I don't know what we had before but I want us to be friends. Real ones this time." He held out his hand towards the other man.

Avon looked down at it. He said, "You realize that this will not be easy."

"What's life without a little risk?" asked Vila with a grin.

Avon said, "I would like that." They shook hands.

**Chapter Sixteen**

Now that Avon and Vila had decided on a fresh start, there was a lighter atmosphere between them but also a certain nervousness. Each was aware of old behaviour patterns that neither wanted to carry forward. In a break during their conversation, Vila had left the room for a few minutes, to take care of some personal business.

The medical unit was still empty of personnel. Avon guessed that Cally must have told the others that he and Vila needed some privacy. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes; trying to replenish his energy. Cally had been right, he should have waited before doing this. The last few days had been both a physical and mental drain on his already meagre resources.

Avon tried to rest but he could not shake off a continued tension. The others may be happy with what had been achieved, but he wasnt; not yet. For him, the most important question still required an answer.

Vila pushed open the door and came back into the room. There was a bounce in his step and as he came closer, Avon could see that he was holding a bottle and two glasses.

"All this talking is thirsty work. I thought we might need some liquid refreshment." He handed Avon one of the wine glasses.

Avon accepted it and with eyebrows raised in a question asked, "Where did you get this?"

Strong and deft fingers worked the cork loose with a pop. He filled Avon's extended glass; the amber liquid splashed into it and seemed to sparkle when reflected in the light.

Avon studied the wine as he swirled it around in his glass, causing it to catch the light at various angles. He took a tentative sip; the taste was at the same time rich and subtle. He let it linger in his mouth for a bit before swallowing, savouring its delicate flavour; dry, with a hint of sweetness. "Very smooth."

"I thought you might like it," said Vila as he drank from his own glass. There was a look of contentment on his face as the nectar passed his taste buds and slid down his throat.

"You still haven't answered my question," said Avon.

"You noticed that?" asked Vila with a sly glance at Avon as he brought his glass to his lips again and took another mouthful.

"You stole it," said Avon dryly. It was not a criticism, just a factual acknowledgement of the source of their present libation.

"Steal is such a strong word. I prefer to think of it as creative borrowing."

"Well, as long as someone doesn't notice a bottle of excellent wine disappearing from their stocks," said Avon as he took another drink.

"They won't," said Vila with a suppressed grin. "I'm very discreet. Besides they have so many bottles, they won't miss one."

They both took another drink from their respective glasses and sat in companionable silence as they enjoyed the fine wine. After Vila refilled their glasses, Avon said, "We still haven't discussed what happened in the shuttle."

"I _was_ hoping to put that off," said Vila. "It still brings up the bad memories."

Avon took another sip of his wine. "We _need_ to find out what really happened."

"You always want to find out everything. But is it really a good idea?" asked Vila. His voice rose in nervousness.

Avon put his glass down and regarded the other man speculatively. "Are you afraid that I really did try to kill you?" His face was devoid of emotion as he waited for the answer.

"It's not that. Nothing could be worse than the implanted memories Servalan tried to feed us. Though those other memories you had were pretty funny." He laughed; it was a thin, nervous sound.

"They weren't for me," said Avon stiffly.

Vila grimaced, "I'm sorry. I forgot. You thought they were real." This was replaced with a puzzled expression as he asked, "How _could_ you think those memories were real? They were so strange."

During their discussions, he had regaled Avon with the humourous reactions they all had to the second set of memories. Vila did not notice the other man becoming less and less responsive during the account.

Avon shifted against the wall he was leaning against; its hard surface felt as uncomfortable against his back as he was currently feeling. If Cally had been there, she would probably have slipped a pillow behind him to make him more comfortable; but Avon didn't have the energy. With Vila's question, the tiredness began to weigh heavily on him. Avon answered, "The only way I could rationalize it, was that I must have been going slowly mad."

His voice was quiet and his face was very still. One could have mistaken him for an emotionless robot repeating something that meant nothing to it. Vila knew better now. In many ways, Avon was as full of fear as he was; except that he hid it better. Vila knew that the horror of losing his mind was one of Avon's greatest fears. He had witnessed a suicidal Avon when the analyst came back on the ship and realized that Servalan had almost destroyed his mind; when even the simplest daily activities were a struggle.

"I'm sorry, Avon. I shouldn't have kept going on about it," Vila said guiltily.

"You didn't know. Stop apologizing, Vila or I will have to ask you to leave." Avon wondered if he would ever be able to separate out his false impressions of what happened with what really did occur. That was why it was important for him to know the truth.

"I'm s…uh, I mean. Alright. You even make apologizing complicated," said Vila.

"Then don't do it," said Avon. "Or at least, don't do it that often. It can get irritating after awhile."

"Avon. If you want to break the blocks with our original memories, you have to go back into the chamber." The concern on his face was evident.

"I'm aware of that," said Avon. There was a frown on his face; it was not a prospect he was relishing. For an intensely private man, it was the ultimate invasion of his privacy.

"I wouldn't want to," said Vila. Once was more than enough for him. "Just the thought of that thing crawling around in my mind…"

"I'm not asking you to," said Avon. "And that is a completely inaccurate description of what it does." His voice trailed off tiredly. If Cally had been there, he knew that she would encourage him to get some rest. He closed his eyes.

"It's still creepy." Vila drained the last of the wine from his glass and poured himself another one. He was about to top up Avon's glass when he noticed the other man's closed eyes. "I should leave."

Avon didn't seem to hear him, his eyes remained closed. Vila said softly, "Avon?" There was still no response. _Cally isn't going to be happy that I tired you out_, thought Vila. He didn't think she would be pleased that he had given Avon alcohol either as he gathered up the evidence.

As Vila headed towards the door, he took a look back at the sleeping man, Avon was stirring restlessly. His eyes moved under closed lids and his breathing was faster.

_I forgot that you need your drugs._ Vila had never seen Avon undergo the nightmares which plagued his sleep. _Even sleeping is complicated for you_,_ isnt it__? __I'll go get Cally._

Vila hesitated. He lifted the bottle in his hand and looked at it. It was a simple thing for him to break into the cellars and steal a bottle of Athol's finest wines. He looked back at Avon. The sleeping man had his arms hugged protectively across his chest now.

_You shouldn't go back into the imaging chamber. Not yet. Cally is right. You need rest. You've gone through enough already._

Real friendship required more than just a shared love of fine wine. Vila knew that if it had been Ture or Allren, they would have been fighting each other to go into the chamber. They wouldn't have hesitated.

Vila looked at Avon again. _You didn't hesitate either. You never even thought to ask me. _

* * *

In a different part of Borel's headquarters, things were not as quiet or contemplative, but there was drama of a different type going on.

"Argus, I want you to stop being jealous of Sester. There is no need. Not unless you don't trust me," said Reya. They were both in their shared quarters, having an argument.

"I do trust you, Reya. It's _him_, I don't trust," he tried to reassure her. He had been trying to get her shirt off but had given up as she brought up the topic of Sester. Any mention of the psychostrategist always put him off any kind of amorous mood. He turned away from her and picked up his own shirt from the floor.

"Is that the reason? Or is it that you can't forget that I slept with him?" she asked.

"It has nothing to do with that." He began putting his shirt back on.

"Then what does it have to do with?" she asked.

Argus stopped what he was doing and looked at her, leaving his shirt open. "I'm not sure yet. But there is something not right about him. My sense of danger works overtime whenever he's around."

"You're just biased against him because of what happened between us."

A look of annoyance crossed his face. "Why do you always have to defend him?"

"I'm not defending anything. I just think you're letting personal considerations affect your judgement."

"_What_ personal considerations?" he asked, there was a hint of anger in his voice.

She put a hand on his bare chest and said softly, "Argus, can we stop letting Sester get between us? I promise you, I don't have any feelings for him. I never did."

Argus looked into her eyes and covered her hand with his. He asked, "Not even friendship?"

Reya hesitated.

Argus shook his head and pulled away from her. "You do, don't you? You consider him a friend."

"Are you going to dictate who I can or cannot have as a friend?" It was clear she didn't like this idea.

Argus turned towards her again, "No. I'm not trying to do that. I would never try to do that to you. But he's going to use it. He's already stirred up trouble. Just look at what we're doing now."

"We don't need Sester to stir up arguments. You can do that all by yourself _without_ any help," she said heatedly.

"And what about this morning?" asked Argus, fastening his shirt back up.

"You mean when you beat him up?" she asked sarcastically.

"I did not beat him up. If I wanted to beat him up, do you think he would still be able to walk? He won this morning. Don't you see? He _wanted_ your sympathy and he _got_ it."

"And he wanted you to act like a jealous idiot. And he got _that!_"

They both stared at each other; their faces were flushed.

Argus took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to let go of his anger. He said calmly, "I think we'd better stop before we both say something that we'll regret. I don't want us to fight over this."

Reya nodded slowly in agreement. "I don't want to either. What are we going to do?"

Argus sighed and put his arms around her. "I don't know. As long as he's around, there's going to be trouble."

Reya felt guilty that she hadn't told Argus about the two encounters in the corridor. She knew that telling him now would only escalate things. Argus was right. Sester had an ulterior motive to his actions. He had feelings for her; feelings which were not reciprocated and he knew it.

He was a rogue who liked to play games; but he had been compassionate and understanding at a time when she no longer wanted to go on. Reya had seen a side of him none of the others had; she could not forget his kindness.

She touched Argus's face and ran her fingers through his hair. "I will be careful of Sester. I promise."

"And I'll try to stop acting like a jealous idiot," he said wryly as he took her hand and kissed it.

"Do you want to try this again?" she asked as she began undoing his shirt again. He grinned.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Seventeen

"Are you sure you want to do this, Vila?" Garett asked as his assistants readied Vila to go into the imaging chamber. "I'm not sure how well this will work. We're still trying to understand all of the capabilities of this machine. I think I know how to do it but I can't guarantee anything."

"Now you tell me," said Vila. He wriggled around nervously. Every instinct was telling him that he shouldn't be doing this. Old, familiar fears nagged at him. He asked anxiously, "It's not going to fry my brain, or anything. Is it? I definitely draw the line at cooking of any kind."

"No. I'm fairly certain that the only thing that will happen is that it won't work, and the memory blocks will remain in place," said Garett reassuringly.

Somehow it wasn't all that reassuring to Vila.

"You must remember not to fight what we'll be doing. Just relax," said Garett. He gestured to one of his assistants who flipped several switches. The imaging chamber lit up and Vila was wheeled in.

"That's easy for you to say. You're not the one entering the chamber." Vila added in a mutter which he hoped no one else heard, "of death."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Garett, one last time. The sound pick-up system was very good; they had all heard what Vila mumbled to himself.

"No. Yes. I mean, just get on with it before I change my mind," said Vila with an uneasy determination. _I have to do this. If Avon's right and the fear is something the Federation did to me, then I can't let them win. I'm going to do this for Avon. For both of us. _Making a decision to fight the fear, did not mean that the fear would stop. Vila wished it did.

"Alright. I'm going to start the flow of drugs. I want you to relax. Just let us do the work."

**********

Argus and Reya entered the room and saw that Garett and his assistants were already working at the control panels. The figure in the chamber was bathed in various lights.

"You started without us," Argus said to Garett.

"He was in a hurry," replied Garett. "He wanted to get it over as soon as possible."

At that moment, Avon came in, supported by Cally. Argus did a double take and then stared at figure in the chamber. "Who's in there?"

"It's Vila," replied Garett. "I thought you knew. He said that you approved it."

Argus made a sound like a low rumble. "No. I didn't."

"What's going on? Who's in the chamber?" asked Avon as he came to join them and saw that someone was already inside.

"It's Vila," said Argus with consternation.

"Did you tell him to do it?" asked Avon.

"No. He was already in the chamber when we got here," replied Argus.

_Vila_. There was an unreadable depth in Avon's eyes as he stared at figure in the chamber; he knew why Vila had done it. It made him ill at ease to know that someone would do this for him. He wasn't used to a friendship where people actually did something for him, at an expense to themselves. He was aware that Vila didn't want to go into the imaging chamber again; he recognized the fear and uneasiness. It was why he had never considered asking him.

Despite Vila's acute aversion to danger or anything personally unpleasant, sometimes at the least expected moments, Vila did things that surprised Avon. At times, because of his fears, Vila was one of the bravest men he had ever met. Of course, he would never say that to Vila.

Cally put a chair down and looked at him expectantly. Avon stared at it and then at her. "I'm fine. I don't need a chair."

She said firmly, "Don't blame me if you fall over later then."

Avon gave her an annoyed look and sat down. * _This is embarrassing_, * he thought to her as she helped him.

*_ Not as embarrassing as falling down from exhaustion_. * She projected to him unapologetically. * _You couldn't even get out of bed this morning without help. And you fell asleep when you were talking to Vila yesterday. He had to come and get me. _*

There was a faint rebellious look on his face but he stayed seated. Avon glared at Argus, challenging the other man to say something.

There was a look of amusement and sympathy in Argus's eyes, which Avon found far worse. His lips parted in a snarl.

Everyone turned to watch the screen as images began to appear. As the scenes played out, it was clear that they were seeing the first set of memories; the ones Vila remembered.

"I thought we were going to see what really happened?" remarked Argus.

"It makes sense that they would use most of the original memories and only alter the ones they needed to." They all turned to look at Sester. He had snuck in again while everyone had been preoccupied with what they were watching.

"Yes. It would be the most effective way to do it," agreed Avon. There was an unpleasant look on his face as he watched Sester come towards them. The psychostrategist was unphased by the various unfriendly stares he was getting from almost everyone in the room, but he stood off to the side, not joining the group of observers.

The scene now showed Avon and Vila going to Malodar for the first time to meet Egrorian.

[ [ "There's no gun in this one," said Argus with surprise.

"Did you expect there to be?" asked Sester. ] ]

The scenes continued playing out with the Scorpio crew discussing the results of the first meeting with Egrorian.

[ [ "At least, these parts make sense," said Cally. "I would never have believed that you would not do your own research; on someone so clearly suspicious."

Avon didn't express it but he was even more relieved than she was. _So at least for that part of it, I was rational._ ] ]

They all continued watching a near-recreation of Vila's previous memories.

[ [ There was a faint smile on Avon's lips as he watched the interaction between himself and Vila on the screen as they went back to Malodar the second time. The ease in communication in the shuttle was very similar to what they had in the medical unit yesterday.

_Perhaps what we are doing now is not building something new, but reclaiming what could have been. _Avon wondered what would have happened if he had not led them all to Gauda Prime. His stomach twisted in pain at the mention of the name. He grimaced and his hands gripped the arms of the chair. _So many memories._

_Avon?_ Cally looked down at him with concern.

His eyes caught her worried ones._ Its fine, Cally. Just a stray memory. Nothing to worry about._

He could see that she didn't quite believe him, but decided not to press the issue. There was a softening in his eyes, conveying a silent appreciation.

_* You will tell me if something is wrong? * _she asked.

*_ I'll try._ * Avon thought to her. * _It's not something I am used to doing. _*

*_ Please try, Avon. _*

There was a gentleness to her concern. She always seemed to know when to respect his need to make his own decisions, without pressure.

*_ Alright, Cally. _* ] ]

As with the previous time, the observers seemed to lean forwards as the Avon and Vila on the screen came back to the shuttle the second time. They all nervously waited. The scene seemed to unfold in slow motion, but it was really no different in speed from the other ones.

They heard Vila's voice ask, "So what was that we gave to Egrorian?"

Avon replied, "Orac mark two. Just a replica I made a few months back. Contingency planning, Vila, and the contingency arose."

Vila's voice said, "But the thing worked!"

Avon explained, "Well enough to fool Egrorian, anyway. It was fitted with a voice box and a relay station, so that the real Orac could run it."

Vila's voice said accusingly, "You could have got us killed! Why didn't you tell me?"

Avon said, "Well, I didn't want to make you nervous, Vila. I was nervous enough for the both of us."

Vila's voice said, "You make contingencies for everything, don't you? Even things that _might_ happen?"

Avon said with a smile, "Ah, but this one did. We _know_ that Servalan is after ORAC."

"And _you_," said Vila's voice.

Avon looked as if he had smelled something unpleasant and his lips curled in a snarl as he said, "Yes. Me. It wasn't hard to deduce that she would keep trying until she got what she wanted. Egrorian was an obvious trap. I was rather disappointed. She used to be much more devious."

"Well, don't count her out," said Vila's voice.

"I don't."

"Just how many of these _contingencies_ have you made?" asked Vila guardedly. "And haven't told us about."

Avon smiled and turned towards him. He was about to reply when ORAC informed them, "The escape velocity of this vehicle is now confirmed at Mach fifteen. And unattainable."

Avon asked in alarm, "What do you mean, 'unattainable'?"

ORAC said, "Mach fifteen is unattainable on the present flight configuration."

Avon asked, "Explain unattainable."

ORAC said irritably, "I would think that the definition of the word would be obvious to someone of your intellect."

Avon said equal annoyance, "You know what I mean! Answer the question! Why aren't we able to achieve mach fifteen?" Avon's hands could be seen to work on the flight panel.

[ [ "He's checking the status of the ship," said Argus. "That didn't happen in the other two memories." ] ]

Avon's hands stopped working and he said, "There's nothing wrong with the ship. All systems check out normally."

ORAC said with irritation, "Of course, there's nothing wrong with the ship."

They could all see that Avon was getting angry. "Then you know what is keeping us from achieving escape velocity?"

ORAC said smugly, "Of course, I do."

Avon was getting increasingly frustrated. "If this ship goes down, I will make sure your parts are scattered into a million useless pieces before I let Servalan get her hands on you. Now tell us, you electronic piece of space debris!"

ORAC told them, "While you were in the bio dome, a mechanized autoloader gained unauthorized access to the ship and placed a speck of neutron material onboard."

"Oh, ORAC. You idiot!" exclaimed Vila. "Why didn't you tell us before?"

ORAC said, "You didn't ask."

"Tell us where to find this speck. And no more nonsense! I am not in the mood for it!" said Avon.

"It will not do you any good even if I told you. There is no possible way for you to move it. The speck in question weighs the equivalent of three tonnes," responded ORAC.

Avon looked as if he was ready to dismantle ORAC right then and there. The anger turned to determination as he said, "Vila. We need to divert all power to the engines. Quickly, get those panels open. We'll have to do it manually."

For the next minute, they could see Vila's hands open up panels and working furiously away. Then they sat back down.

Vila's voice said, "This had better work."

Avon said, "Have you cleared the governors?"

The scene tilted down and Vila's voice said, "I think so. Try it now."

Avon said, "Switching to manual. Maximum power on all drives."

The screen seemed to shake as the shuttle reached maximum power; straining to break free of the pull of the planet.

Avon said, "What's the position now, Orac?"

ORAC responded, "Escape velocity still unattainable. Elapsed flight time: nine minutes. Remaining flight time: twelve minutes."

Vila's voice was panicked as he said "Twelve minutes?"

Avon said "Fuel!"

[ [ At the side of the screen they could see his hands flick several switches as he dumped the excess fuel.

Everyone in the medical unit was tense, caught up in the action before them. ] ]

Vila's said, "It's no good. We're not going to get out of this one. Egrorian set us up. Avon, we're going to die."

[ [ They could all see the screen focus on Avon's face. There was no hint of giving up. He was still determined. His brow was furled in concentration as he desperately sought for a solution. ] ]

He said to Vila, "It's gravity that is holding us, right? We haven't enough engine power to lift us free. We must lighten the load somehow. We'll have to strip this shuttle down to its frame. Come on!

[ [ They could see Avon's hands pull Vila up. ] ]

Vila's voice said, "Where do we start?"

Avon said, "You start in the cargo hold, I'll start up here. We have to jettison every last nut and bolt. NOW, VILA!"

[ [ The screen followed them to the cargo bay as Avon and Vila began throwing items into the airlock and jettisoning them. ] ]

Avon was pushing in the tachyon funnel when Vila said, "Do you have to get rid of that?"

Avon said, "What use is it to us now? Stand back!"

[ [ They could see Avon close the door and presses some controls. ] ]

Vila's voice said, "Now what? There's nothing left to throw out!"

Avon said urgently, "Let's check with Orac. Come on!"

[ [ The screen followed Avon as he ran back to the flight deck. ] ]

Avon said, "What's the position now, Orac?"

ORAC replied, "Remaining flight time: five minutes and forty seconds."

Avon asked, "How much more weight must we lose before we can achieve escape velocity?"

ORAC responded, "Seventy kilos, Avon."

"Only seventy kilos... Vila, strip off the insulation material in the cargo hold. [ [ The screen turned towards the door as Vila went to follow Avon's instructions. ] ]

Avon's voice called out, "Vila!" [ [ Avon takes a small trolley and hands it to him. ] ]

Vila said complainingly, "But that's plastic. It weighs nothing."

"Get rid of it anyway." The stress on his face was evident. He was a man who would not go down easily.

Vila's voice said, "A kilo and a half if we're lucky."

Avon said, "Do it! We've got five minutes."

As the screen turned towards the door again Vila paused as he heard Avon say, "Tarrant. No time to explain. Egrorian tricked us. We can't make escape velocity. Bring the Scorpio into close orbit. We're getting rid of everything we can to lighten the ship. We're going to try to reach escape velocity but if we can't I'm going to try to land the shuttle. You'll have to come down to get us."

The door closed and they all saw Vila running to the cargo hold to strip off the insulation and dump it. When he returned to the flight deck, Avon said to him urgently, "Strap yourself in. I'm going to try to land the shuttle."

They could see the screen pan down and Vila's hands open up a panel. He took out two very familiar objects. Vila held up the objects as his voice said, "Avon."

Avon looked over and grabbed one of them with surprise, "Teleport bracelets! Where did you get those?"

They heard Vila say, "Egrorian said no weapons. He didn't say, no teleport bracelets."

"Contingencies, Vila?" asked Avon. The corners of his lips lifted in a stressed smile.

"Well, I can have them occasionally too."

Avon's face resumed its strained look as he said faced forward and began to steer the shuttle for a landing, "Unfortunately, we can't use them while the shuttle is at full speed. It's too risky. We'd slip out of the beam and be vaporized. Trying to land is still the best option."

"Assuming we don't crash. The atmosphere is poison down there."

"I remember. But it's safer landing at low speed and closer to the ground than at full speed from orbit. Keep your eyes out for a good landing spot."

"You mean one that won't get us killed?"

After several minutes of fruitless searching, ORAC reported, "Remaining flight time: two minutes and thirty seconds."

Avon said angrily, "I know. I know! Dammit, there must be a safe place to land!"

"I don't see one," said Vila's voice. "Avon, we're going to die." The screen focused on Avon's side profile.

"Stop saying that! We're not going to die!"

They saw Avon looked down at the control panel. Avon said, "We're at mach six. If we bring the speed down far enough…." Avon hit the comm switch. "Tarrant. There's no safe place to land. We're going to have to risk the teleport."

They could hear Tarrant's voice over the comm channel, "There's no way to get first line coordinates for a teleport and you're moving too fast."

"We have two teleport bracelets here. Lock onto the signal. I'm going to reduce the speed down as much as I can. Try to match us. It's time to see how good a pilot you really are," said Avon.

They could hear Tarrant say, "It's still risky."

"Do it Tarrant!" shouted Avon.

Tarrant's voice responded, "Alright. It's your neck."

Avon could be seen operating the shuttle flight controls as he desperately tried to reduce their speed. They could see Vila hand him a teleport bracelet.

Vila's voice said, "You know, Avon. If we get out of this, I'm the one who saved the day with the teleport bracelets." There was a click as Vila snapped on his own bracelet.

"Yes. You did. You're never going to let me forget it, are you?"

"Not if humanly possible. Avon. If we don't get out of this…"

"We are! Now shut up and let me concentrate."

The rescue proceeded without incident while the medical unit group watched. Avon and Vila appeared back on the ship. As they all gathered on the flight deck of the Scorpio, Vila told the others what happened.

Vila's voice said, "If I hadn't made contingency plans by sneaking the teleport bracelets onboard, we'd never have made it. Isn't that right, Avon?"

Avon stared at the screen. An amused smile curled his lips and touched his eyes as he said, "Well, Vila. I know I'm always safe, with you."

Chapter Eighteen

After he was released from the imaging chamber, Vila came towards the observers with a big grin which stretched from ear-to-ear. "Did you see that?" he asked with enthusiasm.

Everyone was smiling as well. Vila's joy was infectious.

Using the arms of his chair for support, Avon got up slowly. There was a faint smile on his face. "Yes. It was hard to miss from this angle."

"I was the one who saved the day," said Vila.

"Yes, and you promised never to let us forget it," said Avon. The faint smile never left his face.

"Not if humanly possible." Vila grinned, repeating the phrase he had used during the memories.

Avon told him, "We need to talk." Avon glanced at Argus, who nodded and began herding people out of the room saying, "Let's give them some space."

Cally lingered a bit by Avon's side. She touched his shoulder. * _Do you feel better now, Avon? *_

He looked up at her. She always knew when there was something troubling him. He nodded silently and thought towards her, * _Yes, Cally. I just need some time to talk with Vila. Find something that you like to do, and doesn't deal with worrying about me._ * There was lightness in the last sentence.

*_ Alright, Avon. Have fun with Vila. _*

Avon sent her a sigh and a mischievous, *_ If humanly possible. _*

Cally smiled in encouragement and then she also followed the others out. At the exit, she paused to look back at the two men. She knew that Avon found it difficult relating with people. It was one area that no amount of calculations could solve for him; it filled him with anxiety and when that anxiety was at its worst, it also made him extremely paranoid. His instinct was always to do anything to avoid these kinds of situations; to push people away, to make them not want to approach him. Cally could sense that it was different now; the old instincts were still there, but also a desire to reach out; two forces warring inside him. She knew that his rational mind had decided to do this; and once he had determined that, it would be done regardless of how he felt; of that she was certain.

**********

Now that they were finally alone, both men studied each other. The past few days, they had slowly been finding their way towards a renewed friendship; each one nervous about a past neither could remember clearly. But now the past was no longer a murky darkness. There had been friendship of sorts and the building of a successful partnership; with areas of both light and darkness between them.

Vila pulled up a chair and sat opposite Avon. They continued staring at each other, not quite certain what they wanted to do, but knowing that the truth they discovered about what really happened in the shuttle, would impact their relationship.

Vila was happy and was looking forward to the future. For him it was both about friendship and the discovery that the person he was, may not be who he thought. He was not easily led. And the bravery he showed at times may be more his real self, rather than the one who would volunteer everyone else to face danger, as long as it wasn't him. He was determined to reclaim the person he had been. The real memories of what happened in the shuttle had given him increased confidence.

Vila wasn't a fool; he knew it was not going to be easy. It wasn't one of his magic tricks that could make one trait disappear and another one reappear again. Each one would have to be fought for. The fear would probably never go away. But to have a friend who was undergoing his own struggles, made it easier. They would fight together.

For Avon, it was different. Registering the reactions of the people around him, Avon wished that he could share in their happiness. Sometimes, he wondered what it would be like to allow his mind to let go, to not see all the things which could go wrong; the infinite possibilities and solutions crowding in on his mind, all needing to be sorted out and analyzed. To stop thinking had always equated death for him.

Avon had thought that finding out the truth would give him some peace. He realized that this only gave him a half-peace. _This still doesn't resolve the most important question. _Until he had an answer, he could not put this to rest. But first there was a friendship to build.

Studying Vila's cheerful face, Avon knew that for him, everything had come to a resolution. He was not only content in what he had found, he was happy. Avon envied him.

Vila grinned and started, "I saved the day."

"Yes, you did. I'm glad it happened that way," said Avon. There was uncharacteristic warmth in his tone. He rarely felt comfortable enough to share something personal but he knew that it was a crucial crossroads in their association. What happened in the imaging chamber had opened up a myriad of new possibilities between them. Vila had taken the first step by choosing to override his own fears for a friend. The truth of that action was something Avon understood very well. It was time for him to do something which was just as risky for him. For Avon, anything done on a personal level was fraught with uncertainty and peril; anything he could not calculate all the odds to or predict the possible outcomes for was to be avoided at all costs.

"You are?" asked Vila with surprise.

"We worked well as a team in the shuttle. It was something…I liked that. That's why I always chose you to go with me."

"Are you saying that you liked me? That's why you always dragged me along?" asked Vila.

"Well, like is such a…."

"Embarrassing word?" asked Vila. He was trying not to laugh but only managed a slight smirk.

Avon looked at him blankly. It was so much easier when he didn't need anyone; when caring was dispassionately expressed in actions, rather than feelings or acts of sentiment. To let someone else in meant risk.

Avon said, "No. Not embarrassing." _Then why?_ There was a far away look in his eyes. A fragment of memory. A sudden stab of emotional pain. Longing. Loneliness. Fear. A woman's voice calling. _K_… He reached for the memory.

"Avon, are you alright?" asked Vila with alarm.

Avon was startled out of the recollection. He had almost made a mistake; he had forgotten to let the memory come to him. His eyes focused back on Vila. "Yes, of course," he said automatically. His face was a study in stoicism.

"Why do you always say that?" asked Vila.

"Say what?" asked Avon, not quite understanding what he was getting at.

"That things are alright without even thinking about it? Are you really alright?" pressed Vila.

"I wish I were," said Avon. He didn't elaborate further.

Vila stared at him for a moment, unsure what to do with this bit of revelation. He wanted Avon to go on but he didn't want him to feel threatened and clam up. Vila suddenly realized something. Being intimately acquainted with it himself, he recognized it in Avon.

"You're afraid, aren't you? That's why you push people away. When it's just you, there's no one else you have to depend on. Then there's no one to betray you or let you down or to use you or take away your independence. Or to hurt you, like Anna did."

Avon's jaw tightened and his face became hard and unreadable as he listened. After Vila finished, Avon stayed very still and only stared at him.

Vila thought, _Am I wrong? Did I make a mistake? _He had only wanted to break through further beyond the icy barrier.

Vila said, "I don't know if I was wrong in saying it. But I don't think I am."

Avon said in a quiet voice, "You're not wrong." Again he didn't say anything further.

Vila waited for a moment and then he continued, "I always thought that you were born like this. That you were cold and didn't feel anything. That you didn't care about anyone else, even after what Cally said. Then you told me about Anna. That look you got when you talked about her. I'd never seen it before. Even your face was different. Not hard like it is normally. Almost…" Vila was going to say vulnerable, but he knew that Avon would probably not react well to that, instead he said, "Well, I knew then that you never were as cold as you pretended; you must have always felt guilty for surviving when you thought that Anna had died because of you and you still loved her very much. I didn't really know how much until after you found out she betrayed you and you still couldn't leave her. How did you end up like this? Was it something the Federation did to you too, like they did to me?"

Avon looked startled. He had never considered this before. Until now, he had barely reacted; Vila was touching on too many things he would have preferred not to talk about. _Why am I like this?_

_Kerr_…the memory of a voice intruded into Avon's mind. It was definitely a woman. Gentle. For a moment, he could almost remember…something. _Don't reach for it_, he reminded himself but then it was gone.

"I don't want to talk about it, Vila. Not right now," said Avon. He was starting to get a headache.

Vila said, "I'm sorry if it brought up bad memories. I can't imagine…"

"Vila, stop," said Avon firmly.

"Alright." There was something else Vila wanted to talk about but had been hesitant to bring up. "Avon. The memories of the shuttle and Malodar aren't the only ones I have. I also remember being in a cell. And…I'm beating you up. I don't know where those come from or if they're just memories Servalan planted."

Avon hesitated and then he said, "It was my cell at the Detention Centre. The memories were real."

"I beat you up? Is that why I did it before in the medical unit?" Vila was feeling ill.

"_Servalan_ did it," said Avon angrily. "It wasn't your fault."

"But she used _m_e_!_ Why?"

There was a brief twinge of pain in Avon's eyes as he said, "Because we were friends."

Vila asked in a faint voice, "How many times?"

Avon grimaced as the memories of the pain resurfaced; it was almost as if he could feel it again. He turned his head away. "Enough."

"I hate her," said Vila heatedly.

"Not as much as I do," said Avon with equal passion.

"One of these days, we'll kill her together," said Vila.

"_I have to kill her_," said Avon. There was a frightening intensity in his voice.

Vila agreed, "You have more reason than any of us." Vila studied Avon for a moment. The other man looked tired again. He wondered if Avon would ever fully recover physically. Vila said, "Avon, I know that you don't want to let anyone in, except Cally. And I understand that. I'm not asking you to. But I want to be a friend you can depend on. I won't promise that I always will be. But I promise that I'll try. Servalan wanted to destroy us. She was able to use me against you. I don't ever want that to happen again."

Truth was such a rare commodity these days that when he heard it, Avon was always surprised. Vila wasn't giving a promise based on a fleeting sentiment. It was a real promise which recognized the reality of human weaknesses.

Avon said, "I don't know if I am capable of being the kind of friend you're hoping for. But I would like to try."

**********

Sester smiled to himself as he looked out over the balcony of his suite. The afternoon air was warm and full of the smells of living things. There was a pleased expression on his face. Since the encounter in the training hall, Reya and Argus had been together constantly. He doubted if Reya had told Argus about the encounters in the corridors. That meant that she was deliberately trying to avoid any situation where she could run into him without Argus present. Sester found that very interesting. Despite her protestations to the contrary, he knew there was something between them. From Reya's reaction to him, he knew that she was nervous around him; almost afraid. Sester wanted to know what the fear was an indication of. He had felt her rising desire when their bodies were almost touching. He wanted to know if it was just a physical attraction or something else much deeper.

Every instinct as a psychostrategist told him that this was not a good idea. But _he_ _needed_ to know. It was a dilemma; a puzzle to be solved. He didn't want to hurt her and he respected Argus; but the need to find out was something that would not let him go.

It was time to become even more creative.

He saw three familiar figures walked down a path towards the lake. It was Reya, Argus and Cally. They were talking together, laughing and enjoying each others company. Sester wished that he could be with them.

**********

Avon sat in the imaging chamber room after Vila had gone. His mind was busy planning. He had asked Vila to not tell Cally that they were finished, so that he could have some time alone. Avon sat down at the control panel. He looked over the controls and began testing some of their functions.

_Programmable inputs. Very flexible design. Similar in some ways to the Pleasure City technology. Good._

Avon set to work quickly. _One last question to be answered. _He knew that none of them would agree with what he wanted to do. But for their sake, and for his own, he had to do it. He knew he needed one other person to help. Avon smiled; he knew the perfect person. This person would not be able to refuse.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter Nineteen**

Avon locked the door. It was time to do what he needed to do.

Sester said, "I don't think this is a good idea, Avon." Avon had come to get him from his room.

"You owe me, Sester," said Avon with a snarl.

"Argus is going to kill me if he finds out I helped you do this. And Cally will probably provide the knife. A very dull one. Or maybe they'll take turns," said Sester.

"That's your problem," said Avon coldly. "Sit down." He was hard and unyielding as he pointed to the imaging control station.

Sester sighed and sat down reluctantly. Guilt was a powerful tool to use against anyone; which was why psychostrategists always viewed human beings as puppets. It dispensed with all of the inherent weaknesses of being human.

"I've set the imaging program to run automatically but you'll have to start the process manually. I have also set a coded lock on the program so that no one will be able to terminate it or go into the chamber once it starts."

He began showing Sester the controls. When he was done, Avon said, "Don't try to tamper with it. It might kill me."

"It might kill you anyway," said Sester. "These drugs you're using. They're set at too high a level. I've never seen this concentration used, even at the Detention Centre. And these fear drugs…"

"It's only temporary and I'm willing to take that risk," said Avon. "It's the only way to bring my mind to the state that I need it to be in."

"This is that important to you?" asked Sester.

Avon stared at him before responding. "I'm not here to answer your questions. Now strap me in."

* * *

Images began appearing on the screen; they were the original memories of what happened on Malodar and in the shuttle. The scenes unfolded as before. Sester watched in uneasy fascination. He understood why Avon wanted to do this; but he wondered what was motivating him. What Avon was about to do would touch on the some of his most horrific nightmares.

_What if you find what you fear the most, Avon? Then the nightmares will never end._

Sester looked down at the control panel monitors which showed Avon's life readings. He frowned, some of the numbers were dangerously high and the scenario hadn't even reached the most critical part yet. _This isn't good._

The flex screen showed the shuttle again. It was the second trip down to Malodar.

* * *

Vila was carrying a tray of food back to the imaging chamber. He had found a nice Athol girl in the kitchens who had fed him a delicious meat pie and some excellent cider. He decided that Avon could use some food too.

The door to the room was closed, but this was not unusual. He pushed it open with his elbow. It didn't budge. _Odd._ Vila applied his shoulder to it. The door remained closed. _Must be locked. _Vila had never known the medical unit door to be locked before. _Avon must have done it. What's he doing in there?_ "Avon let me in. It's Vila."

* * *

Sester heard Vila's voice. He thought ironically, _Of all the people to come now, of course, it had to be Vila. _Sester went to let Vila in. He knew that Avon would have strongly objected to his actions but Vila was a master thief, it wouldn't have taken him long to unlock the door. At least this way, he would retain a measure of control.

When the door opened, and Vila saw Sester, there was an instant look of suspicion on the thief's face.

"Come in," said Sester. He checked that there was no one else in the corridor and closed the door and locked it again.

"What are you doing here? Where's Avon?" Vila asked warily.

"Avon needed to do something. He didn't want anyone disturbing him," said Sester as he went back to the control panel and sat down again. He checked the life readings.

Vila nearly dropped the food tray when he saw what was playing out on the flex screen and saw Avon in the imaging chamber.

"Why's that on? What did you do to Avon?" he asked angrily. He put the tray down on a nearby table.

Sester looked up and caught Vila's eyes, "I told you, this was Avon's idea. He wanted to do this. It was important to him."

Vila wavered. He didn't trust Sester. "Why did he ask you? Why didn't he get someone he _trusts_?"

Sester smiled wryly, "Because he could only trust an enemy to do this."

"If you've hurt Avon…" the anger and threat in Vila's voice was clear.

Sester was puzzled. The files on Vila portrayed him as someone who was not capable of this strength of character. He was a person who avoided confrontations. _You must care about Avon to confront me like this._

He said, "Threatening me will not achieve anything. Avon has locked this program. No one can get into the chamber until it's finished. For now, the only thing _you_ can do is watch."

They both glanced at the screen, it showed the shuttle again and the second trip back from the planet. Sester looked at Vila again and said, "My guess is that part of the reason he's doing this, is for you."

"Me?" asked Vila in surprise.

"Yes. I hope, for his sake that this is worth it. He's taking a great risk."

"What do you mean?" asked Vila.

Sester didn't answer and only looked at the screen. The crucial point had been reached. "Just watch the screen, Vila."

* * *

Avon shook his head, trying to clear it. He found it hard to concentrate. His heart was racing.

ORAC responded, "Remaining flight time: five minutes and forty seconds."

_Five minutes, forty seconds. Think. Why is it so hard to think? _His head seemed to be pounding in time with his heart. The fear was so strong, he could almost taste it.

He asked, "How much more weight must we lose before we can achieve escape velocity?"

ORAC replied, "Seventy kilos, Avon."

He had a flash of déjà vu. _Can't think about that now. _The situation was desperate. They had to lighten the shuttle in order to achieve escape velocity. The shuttle's landing thrusters had been sabotaged. The Scorpio was too far away to be of any use. The only way to survive was to break orbit.

Avon said, "Only seventy kilos... Vila, strip off the insulation material in the cargo hold."

Vila raced to follow his orders. Something nudged at his consciousness. "Vila!" Avon opened up a panel. He hesitated as he saw the gun he had hidden there earlier. His mind struggled. There was a thought about the gun._ No. There's no time._ He took the small plastic trolley that was next to it and handed it to Vila.

Vila took it but said, "But that's plastic. It weighs nothing."

"Get rid of it anyway!"

Vila said, "A kilo and a half if we're lucky."

Vila's complaints when he was desperately trying think of ways to save them both were starting to grate on his nerves. "Do it! We've got five minutes."

Vila ran off with the trolley.

Avon said frantically, "Not enough! Not nearly enough!" _There must be a solution! There must be a way!_ He didn't want to die. "Dammitt, what weighs seventy kilos?"

ORAC responded in a matter-of-fact voice, "Vila weighs seventy-three kilos, Avon."

Coldness. _Seventy-three kilos._ It was so simple. Why didn't he think of it before? _I don't have to die._ Just a number. A solution to a problem. A _weight_ to be discarded. "Vila."

* * *

Vila and Sester watched with captive fascination as they saw Avon's hand take the gun out of the panel.

Sester shook his head sadly. There was a look of horror on Vila's face. He gripped the table that he had placed the food tray on.

They saw Avon's other hand grab ORAC. This was a new element.

"What's he doing?" asked Vila with fearful and tentative hope.

"I don't know."

They heard ORAC ask, "What are you doing, Avon?"

Avon's cold voice said, "What I should have done along time ago."

They were almost holding their breaths as they saw the cockpit door slide open and the screen image move past it. The screen moved slowly and silently along the corridor. There was a moment of awkwardness as Avon holstered the gun and juggled ORAC while descending the ladder to the cargo deck. At the bottom, he seemed to hold onto the ladder while his head rested on one of the rungs. They could hear him breathing heavily.

There was a warning sound; Sester glanced down at the panel. The heart rate had reached the danger zone. He grimaced. The scenario hadn't finished yet. There wasn't anything they could do. The end was near though.

* * *

_Have to keep going. _Avon straightened up and let go of the ladder. He drew his gun again and kept going. Each step was difficult. _I can't do this. I have to! _

Avon reached the airlock door. It slid open to his touch on the panel. For a moment he stared into the darkness of the interior. His heart was pounding so hard that it felt as if it would break free from his chest. He was almost paralyzed by fear. _No!_ Avon stepped through. He placed ORAC on the ground and turned to close the door. With his gun, he shot out the door panel control. He threw the gun aside.

ORAC said frantically, "Avon! You cannot do this! This is madness! You must survive! You must sacrifice Vila! It is the only logical solution!"

"Logic, ORAC? I told you before that you'll have to do better, if you expect me to kill Vila. Did you think that reducing Vila to a _number_ would be better? He is not just a weight to be discarded!" he said angrily. "Is that all your brilliant programming could come up with? You never understood me any more than the rest." _No. That's not true._ Sometimes he though that Cally had understood. But it was too late now, she was dead and it had been his fault. Everything was too late and his last act would be something that no one would understand. He laughed; it was a sound choked by fear, determination and a touch of madness. Avon found it ironic that his last conversation would be with a computer. "No more last words, ORAC?" There was no response.

Avon brought his hand up and slowly reached towards the airlock control. For a moment he paused and then he smiled and pressed it.

* * *

In the control room, several of the monitors were beeping loudly in warning and then there was silence. Sester looked in shock at the flat readings and then at the chamber. "His heart stopped!"

"What?" exclaimed Vila. "Get him out of there!"

Sester flipped a switch. "It's no good. The program is still running. It still has the door locked."

"But it's over!" Vila came over and looked at the control panel. The only thing he could understand were the life monitor readings. They indicated that Avon was dead.

"I'm going to try to unlock it!" Vila ran to the imaging chamber and examined the lock.

Sester said, "I'll go get help." He rushed off to find aid.

Vila was about to open the lock control when he heard a click. He tried the chamber's access panel. It slid open. Vila rushed inside, yanked off the drug lines and pulled Avon free from the chamber.

"Dammit, Avon. Don't do this!" He shook Avon's shoulder. Vila felt helpless; he didn't know what else to do. Medical aid was not one of his skills; he wished it was.

"Hang on! Sester's getting help." He lifted Avon's head and held him. "Whatever happened to, not having to prove that you care? You didn't have to do this! We would have believed you. I believe you!"

Healer Garett and his assistants rushed in with Sester in tow. They came over immediately.

Vila lifted his head; there was a look of stunned shock on his face; as if he couldn't believe what was happening. "Can you do something for him? He can't die." There was a plea in his voice; he couldn't accept that Avon would die because of this.

"We'll take care of him," said Garett. "Let go of him, Vila. Let us do our jobs. It's not too late."

Vila put Avon's head down gently and stepped aside. The Healer and his team began working on Avon with a resuscitation machine. Garett asked, "How long ago did his heart stop?"

Sester replied, "Just over two minutes."

"Good. No brain damage yet."

Cally, Argus and Reya rushed in. Cally had sensed Avon's emotions but had accepted them as part of his intense discussions with Vila; but she had become increasingly concerned. They were already on their way back when Avon's heart stopped. Cally had almost collapsed on the pathway; not understanding what was happening but knowing that something was very wrong. They ran the rest of the way back.

A distressed Cally asked, "What happened? How is he?"

Sester replied, "They're working on him now. His heart stopped."

She turned to Vila and asked again, "What happened? The two of you were talking."

Vila couldn't meet her eyes. "We finished. I went to get something to eat. When I came back, the door was locked. Then it opened and I found him here," Vila's head indicated Sester. "Avon was already in the chamber."

"What was Avon doing there?" she asked in shock.

The medical team were still working on Avon. They had opened up his shirt and placed something over his chest.

"Why was Avon in the imaging chamber? And what are _you_ doing here?" Argus asked Sester angrily. "Did you do this?" He moved threateningly towards the psychostrategist.

"Avon asked me to," replied Sester. "He knew none of you would agree."

"And he knew you would?" Argus's voice had dropped in tone. There was coldness in his face.

"What exactly did Avon do?" asked Reya.

"He wanted to find out something," said Sester. "The only way he could do it was to relive what happened in the shuttle. But this time he programmed a scenario that left himself no options."

Cally's face turned pale. She said in a quiet voice that was full of sadness and understanding, "He needed to know if he would kill Vila." Cally's eyes closed and her head bowed. She shook her head. "Why didn't you tell me, Avon?"

"Because you would have stopped him," said Sester.

Cally opened her eyes and looked at him angrily. "You should not have let him do this."

"I had to," said Sester.

Argus said, "No. You didn't." His voice seemed to get colder with every word.

"You still don't understand. But Cally does, don't you?" asked Sester.

They all looked at her. Cally was afraid that she did understand. She told them, "Avon would never have had any peace until he knew. We were all happy before, but I knew that he wasn't. Something was bothering him but I didn't know it was this."

"He did it for me," said Vila in a quiet voice. He was about to say something more but their attentions were turned to the life monitors as they began registering again.

Garett came over. "He's fine now. Still very weak but we were able to get to him in time before there was any permanent damage."

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Can I see him now?" asked Cally.

"Just you," replied Garett. "He's still unconscious. We're trying to flush the drugs out of his system right now."

After Cally went to be with Avon, Garett asked, "Now will someone tell me what on Athol is going on? Who fed him the drugs? Didn't anyone know that level would be dangerous?"

Sester repeated what he already told the others.

**Chapter Twenty**

Avon's mind slowly returned to consciousness. He spent a few minutes getting his bearings before he opened his eyes. The last few days had been a confusion of memories, real and implanted; and one of his own making.

_I didn't try to kill Vila. _That was the only thing he wanted to remember of the last few days. But it wasn't that simple. He had lived so long with something that wasn't real; he found that it was hard to accept anything else. His image of himself had been twisted by an enemy. He felt lost. The problem was the insidiousness of what Servalan had done. What she had made him believe was a distortion of the truth.

Avon knew the elements of his own personality which made what she had done so convincing. She had been right. In many ways, he was responsible for what she had been able to achieve. He knew that in order to survive, he could no longer allow her that advantage. He had to overcome his own weaknesses; the things he once thought were strengths.

For now, he could allow himself to experience a little happiness; but not too much. His tortured mind would never let him go for long. There was one fewer nightmare to haunt him; but there were still many others.

Before he opened his eyes, Avon directed his thoughts outwards. There was a voice he wanted to hear first. _Cally._

_Avon!_ The response was immediate. Her voice projected into his mind was a welcome presence. It radiated warmth, relief and joy.

Avon remembered saying something to Vila. _I have to tell her first._

His tired mind gathered itself and sent her a clear thought; one of warmth and light, something not tainted by darkness. _I love you. _

Her reaction of surprise was very clear. _What did you just say?_

Avon opened his eyes and smiled. "You heard me_._"

Cally was shocked, confused and filled with an indescribable joy. This was something she had been hoping to hear for along time. But not now. Just when she had thought she had lost him; when she didn't know whether to cry or be angry that he had nearly killed himself, he said the one thing she least suspected.

_You're surprised? _asked Avon when she didn't respond.

_I'm trying to decide_, she projected to him.

His eyebrows lifted in puzzlement. This was not the response he had been expecting. _Deciding about what?_

_Whether to kiss you or be angry at you for scaring me._

_Do I get a choice? _he asked teasingly_._

_I thought you had died!_

Avon could see she was upset. He realized that he should have checked if it was the right time to express how he felt about her. His eyes expressed his regret. _I'm sorry, Cally. I knew it would upset you but I had to do it. _

_You should have told me,_ she projected to him.

He reached out and took her hand in his. _I couldn't. You would have stopped me. I had to find out what I was capable of. I could not tell you how I felt until I knew. _

_But Avon, you already showed what kind of man you were when you came down to save me. Wasn't that enough? Why couldn't you trust yourself?_

_That was different. I thought I had a chance then. I misjudged Servalan and Sester, _explained Avon.

_Are you saying that you wouldn't have come for me if you had known? _

He squeezed her hand tightly. _I would have come. Even if there was no chance._

_Then why did you still have to prove it? _

_Because it is only an expression of sentiment. With this. Now I know. _

_Oh, Avon. _

Avon knew that she would have taken him on trust, but unfortunately, he couldn't. He had lived with this memory for so long, it had been like a poison that sickened everything it touched. Despite what he had done for her, it was still there. Confronting it head on, leaving no shadow of a doubt was the only way he could defeat it.

Now it was finished; he had overcome it. He could finally close his eyes to these memories. Avon was no longer afraid of having Cally care about him.

He let go of her hand and reached up to touch her face lightly. There was a light mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he thought towards her _Have you decided? _

_Decided what? _

_Whether to kiss me or to be angry with me. _The corners of his lips curled slightly.

She projected, _You're getting as bad as Argus. _

_I could not possibly be as bad as he is. _His sent her a lightly affronted tone, but there was a barely suppressed smile on his face now. He sent her, _Kiss me. _

_But there are people here. _

Avon lifted his head slightly and looked around. Argus, Reya and Vila were at the other end of the room, talking to Garett. _So there are. _He looked at her. _Does it matter? _

She bent down to kiss him. It was a kiss full of love, passion and desire; and it was reciprocated.

* * *

Argus, Reya and Vila had come to the medical unit in the morning to check in on Avon. Avon had been unconscious since being revived and despite Garett's assurances, they were all worried.

"You're sure he's fine? No brain damage?" asked Argus.

"Yes, Commander. We got to him in time. We were able to revive him without incident," explained Garett with great patience. This was the third time he had been asked this since they came in but Garett was used to this kind of concern.

"When can we see him?" asked Vila.

Garett replied, "He's still unconscious. You can see him briefly but it's best that he gets as much rest as possible. So try not to wake him."

"Do you know when he's going to wake up?" asked Argus.

"I think he's awake," said Vila. His eyes were wide and he was staring at something behind Argus. They all turned to look and saw Cally and Avon kissing.

"Maybe Cally is trying to wake him?" suggested Argus.

Reya said, "I think you need your eyes checked."

"Well, if he's still unconscious then he's doing a good imitation of being awake," said Vila with a smirk.

"I think we should all be leaving now," said Reya. She took the two men firmly by the elbows and pushed them towards the exit. Garett directed his assistants to do the same.

* * *

Servalan sat at her desk after Sester had given his report and signed off. She knew her psychostrategist. Though he had never revealed what he was thinking or feeling, she knew he had not been happy at what had been done to Avon. If she had bothered to be honest with him, she would have told him the truth, she had not been happy either.

The Federation President got up and walked over to the window overlooking the gardens. She remembered being angry after discovering that Avon had been able to warp the carefully scripted memories she had prepared for him. Servalan never liked being thwarted by anyone, not even someone she respected and wanted for herself. She realized that she had over-reacted when she had him repeatedly tortured and then subjected to the implanting process again. But his stubbornness had made her angry. In the end she had to give up; each time they had him recall the memories, he kept finding that damned box earlier and earlier. Eventually he would be finding it before he even went to hunt Vila. So she had the blocks placed and left him with the flawed memories; the ones which made him question his own sanity.

She had not realized what that would do to him. He had fallen into a deep depression afterwards and stopped responding to anything, no matter what they did to him. It was as if his mind and heart had died and only left a body. That was why she had sent for Sester, though she never told the psychostrategist this. Sester thought he was there to break Avon for her, and to an extent, that was her purpose. But it had not been her primary reason. She needed to draw Avon out, to give his mind a reason to fight and to think again; she needed someone who would challenge him mentally. And what better one than one of the most gifted psychostrategists of his generation. She gave Avon a playmate. Sester fulfilled her purposes even more than she had hoped. She knew that it would take patience on her part, but Avon was becoming himself again. His sneaky and clever strategy at Pleasure City, had surprised and delighted her; even though it had gone against her own plans.

Servalan realized that Avon had to be given time to recover from what she had done to him. She did not want him destroyed; she needed him to be dangerous again, to be whole again: physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally.

Emotionally. She wanted him to be able to feel again. That was why she had the damage the Federation had done to him as a child, repaired as much as she could; calling in a favour which had cost her a lot. It had made her angry to know what had been done to him then. There had been no one there to protect him then but she was determined to protect him now. The only one who would be able to hurt him now would be her and no one else.

For now she was surrounding him with people who loved him and would protect him so that he would heal and recover; so that they could prepare him for her. Adding Sester to the group would complete the team she wanted for him.

Servalan smiled conspiratorially. _Sester._ She knew he suspected her reasons for placing him on the ship but she knew he would do what she ordered him to do. In the end, she might be generous enough to give him the person he wanted; the woman he was trying not to be obsessed with. Cally, of course, had to die. Servalan would not allow any rivals; she was already fuming that she had to tolerate Avon's obvious affection for her. _Argus_. She smiled as she thought about Avon's protector and her reluctant assassin. He had too many people that he cared enough about, that he was very vulnerable to her control. She might keep him, if she could continue controlling him. _Vila._ Servalan was a bit puzzled by Sester's comments about Vila. She would have to have the thief watched closely.

All in all, Servalan was content. Everything was still working perfectly.


End file.
